Lady Victoria Eclectic Pagan's blog: "Humor"

Meet My Cats... Hello. My name is Uzumay, and my pets' names are Victoria and Eugene. They are the ones who give me food when ordered to, though they are a bit slow and often need to be reminded several times. I try to make the rules clear, but their comprehension is so limited. They have been telling me that you creatures don't understand our straightforward communications and that you prefer this complicated mess you call speech. Here is my first attempt to relay critical information to you using that medium; please respond and let me know how I'm doing. These are the Rules; please familiarize yourselves with them thoroughly: Petting: This is permitted when I am in the mood. Be warned that my mood changes from moment to moment. When I wish you to stop, I will issue a warning look, or perhaps a firm pat with my closed paw. Please take the hint; after that first warning it can get ugly. Combing: Not permitted. Don't even think about it. I do a fine job of my own hygiene, thank you. Chasing Strings & Stuff: When I was young & foolish, I used to indulge you sometimes with this human game. I am now mature and have more important matters to attend to. Like naps. The Sandbox: Please keep it clean. I hate having to poop on the bare floor because someone's not doing his job. The Patio Door: Should remain open at all times, regardless of the weather. I've tried to explain this. Humans don't understand the simplest things. When I am inside sitting by the door and speak my command to you, it means open the door. You seem to get that, but then after I've gone through it you CLOSE it again? How dumb are you? Then I repeat the command, understandably, from the outside. You open it again and then what? As soon as I go through, it's closed. Sometimes I've tried NOT going through after commanding the door open, but you just close it anyway. We need to work on this one. The Window: This was obviously put there for me to see when there is a dangerous invader, in the form of another cat, on the other side of it. It's quite the clever invention, actually. It serves the purpose as well of thudding in a most satisfying way when I hurl myself against it, growling menacingly at the intruder. Please do not be alarmed by this; I am only protecting our territory. Airlines Tags: Forget about catnip. These are the real treat. Biting and licking them is so satisfying. However, I do not appreciate your taking these objects with you and leaving me here to contend with catsitter pets. The latter are inferior in quality and will simply not do. Good help is clearly hard to come by. Please leave the tags in place for me instead of going out for new ones. The Car: Whoever came up with this infernal machine should be kept awake all night with catfights. And his (or her) clothes should be left on the couch to accumulate infinite sheddings. They should be cared for by catsitters forever. I think I've spent quite enough time at this. If there are any errors in the text, you may attribute them to my pet's inadequate translation or transcription abilities. I shall attend to more important matters, now that it's dark out. If you should happen by you may see me through the window, keeping watch. - Uzumay (& Milkman)