Adorablewolf's blog: "Me"

A Man and his Chili Went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that=2 0if you eat it again the next day, both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after 2 cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through t he small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestine, and before I knew it, I couldn't take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into the isle. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the 'grand mal' assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!', then quickly left. Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Safeway. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

Whole Again:

 

Here I was lying in bed trying to recover from another hapless night alone. I sit and wonder is it possible, could a man like me be alone forever. A diamond in the rough is what I have been called. I crave the nurture of a friendly face. Someone to hold at night, to show the affection and love a man like me can give. Does she exist perhaps she does if she does not what would be the point of anything. I wake up to each day with a thought that this could possibly be the day that I finally meet the woman of my dreams.

 

As I walk down the streets of uptown and pass by countless women, I think to myself could she be it or her or even her with that gorgeous smile and those eyes with the fire burning beneath them. I can only hope. Does she notice me? Do we make eye contact? As I have those thoughts suddenly she looks directly up into my eyes and instantly as fast as a lightning bolt appears and disappears I knew that she was the one. I could see the same thing in her eyes too it seemed. We pass by each other and we briefly touch arms.

 

The touch itself was the warmest yet the most satisfying touch I had ever experienced and this was just a passing of arms. The scent of her seductive and tantalizing perfume drew me even deeper and closer to her which nearly made me hard. I had to take a breath to realize that this was real and I had to remain calm. Her scent still fresh in my senses made me hesitate, I had stopped walking and looked over my shoulder. As I turned my head she too had stopped and was turning to look at me as well.

 

I then knew that we had made the initial contact that sends people to a place where few have ever dared to go. We both turned abreast and both of us smiled. I felt as if she was a bit timid, but I knew there was a lioness underneath that timid shy smile she gave me. As if on cue or rehearsed many times over we had both taken a step towards one another at the exact same moment in time. Time as it was had completely stopped with the exception of her and I in the world.

 

I was not distracted by the on goings of the people on the walk or the cars. The only thing in my world was her. We became face to face within an instant. She was so radiant, we nearly stood eye to eye I was a couple of inches taller than her. She was wearing a low cut white button up shirt buttoned about half way with a blue tank top underneath the blouse, with an adorable blue puffed mini skirt. The cutest thing that I had noticed was the fact that she had a small heart above her left breast which also had "love" written inside. It was as if I had taken a mental picture of her and filed it away because I never wanted to lose this moment in time.

 

I introduced myself and politely kissed her hand as she introduced her self as Aurora. Her voice was so soft and sensual. Kissing her hand and being able to touch her both of us willing set my heart beat racing. It has been so long since I have felt so alive. I felt I was in my own story. I was scripting everything as though I had dreamed and fantasized about this exact moment in my life. I asked her if she would be willing to accompany me down to the lake and we could sit and talk to one another. She kindly obliged in the request and said that she would love to.

 

Being in her presence was enthralling, her hair blowing so softly in the wind and the sun which made those gorgeous eyes just dance took my breath away. I still am almost in a catatonic state can this really be happening I thought to myself. She looked up into my eyes almost knowing what I was thinking and whispered in my ear "yes it is." I was dumbfounded. I have longed for a connection with someone you don't have to talk to by speaking but to be so in tuned with each other no words are required. I had found her and she had found me. Without even realizing where we were, we are down near the beach and sitting on a park bench over looking the beautifully clear lake.

 

We began talking and learning more about each other and just enjoying the time with her. She was so stunning I could not get over it or use to it. In conversing we discovered many of the similar interests including the fact we had gone to the same grade school as I did. My life had bounced me around and walking in so many similar paths, we never actually been in the presence of one another until today. We sat on the bench and talked and laughed we even cried together talking about our pasts and how we have learned from them. I asked if I could hold her in my arms before we had to part ways she without hesitation moved without effort and slid perfectly into my arms. It was like we were made to fit in every way, created from the same mold. Holding her in my arms I could finally see what happiness means. I looked down as she laid in my arms and softly kissed her neck, then slowly moved up and kissed her cheek. A tear fell from my eye landing on her hand. She looked up at me and said "Dan why are you crying?" I simply said thosewere happy tears because I have finally found the woman who has made me whole again.