restless21's blog: "Me"

If you can read this, you have a strange mind too Can you raed tihs? Olny 75 plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The ph aonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Sorry for the tears, and sorry for the lies. Sorry that your words lost all meaning, that I wouldn't deal, that I chose to live in dreams. Sorry I never measured up, but you're the ones who set the bar. Sorry there was no goodbye, but you missed the warning signs. I'm better than you saw, and stronger than you knew. You never found out about the stories, you didn't know I drank away. Don't blame me, you never asked. When there's nothing left to say, and all my dreams are gone, I'll raise another glass, to your rose-tinted glasses.

dare to imagine life cloaked in darkness where the lies of our secrets are quietly whispered in cryptic tones behind stark hung curtains that block out the light of truth each lie buried further from it's truth whisper after whisper within the siteless seclusion until it is no longer visible no longer recognizable no longer the lie but the truth smothered in secrecy

What am i supposed to do now? I have the same problems but just a bit worse leached on my insides, not even a shovel could break the heat. What do i do, Give up? Try harder? Have a helping side? Because to be honest i don't know anymore, i used to think i could do it all myself and didn't need someone else to carry some lack for me or help lift up my expectations. Now, i feel like I've let everything, everyone down. Even myself for god sake. I've let myself down in many ways possible. Hell, what am i doing now? Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing, ugh! I need some air, I need some oxygen in my lungs, I can't breathe around this situation, It's almost like I'm claustrophobic.I'll stop now, i got a million words to shed, but hey who'd care anyway

I am tired and sick and sick and tired of everything, especially me; To smart for my own good, I talk without being heard, and hear without listening; I just want to be loved is what I say but what I really mean is I dont want to be lonely; Giving my heart to dreams of what could be; hoping, praying but never demanding anything in return I want to be loved for who I am, what I do, and how I do it; but does this really exist beyond God? Im trying, giving up, trying, failing, trying, letting go, nothing to hold onto thats real; I live in my music, my books, my movies: searching for an answer...or perhaps just to know that I am not the only one... Needing, yearning, even making up answers to their hearts questions, but never quite finding the answers I am lost between what should be what I want to be and what actually is. I left no bread crumbs behind, so I am feeling around in the dark with only solemn prayers that the path I choose is the right one They Say I should be thankful for what I do have, that things could be so much worse, but what in the hell do they know seeing as how they haven't walked a mile in my shoes; No relief from the breadth of my heart and the yearn in my soul Mind constantly wrapping itself around the straws of understanding; Grasping for ANYthing to make it believe EVERYthing is o.k. Life chooses to give no explanations or make any apologies and time has simply left the building; my hiding places are being found out by all and so I stand: Naked Exposed Yet...still left fully unknown Change constant has become my own personal trap door from this; That is...that for which I do not, I mean refuse to face In full view, yet totally hidden will be my story always; For as the seconds turn to minutes, and minutes to hours and hours to days, I forget to remember to forget my past...lying dormant yet active always: Further into the abyss of my mind I fall, farther away from any chance of being understood I lay; There is life here...one day, but for today I am tired and sick and sick and tired of everything, especially me

I write about the truth, my reality, my life I share the inconsistencies and dissapointment in sight But underneath the letters, phrases, and pen strokes Live the secrets to the pain and happiness I invoke My heart is crying and my pen soothes its ambiguous beat But my soul creates a portrait that my words must masterpiece Underneath every line I pour out my disgust, love, and ambition I'm not solicitous with you, but my own apparition My pen cries the tears that create words of hope One day, inside myself, I'll learn to cope The reality is far from real, no problems exist with me I write down the pleasures, vexations, and scrutiny My journal, my paper, my pen, my words My tears, my feelings, my nouns, my verbs I can't scream, I can't argue, no point to curse I'm wishing for that voyage, for that journey I thirst "I must get away" reads my journal this day But in my diary there's no quest, it reads "stay" I'm a one man island, a shell with no turtle Do you understand me or the diary within my journal?

One.. Two.. Three; in & out-- come on darling, it's natural, you've done it all your life: Just breathe. The incandescent lights hang above my head shallowly bantering me with their existence, without them I'd see no face in the mirror, no body that I could mock or poke fun at, I think things would be better that way; Inhale-Exhale- put that down. I'm my biggest bully and the voice in my head bitches at me constantly- "Don't eat that." "You know it wouldn't hurt you to exercise." "Look at those stretch marks, you could have been beautiful." & I don't have the courage to scream back "I AM BEAUTIFUL" because even in my mind I can't speak what I don't feel is true. One more putdown. One more tear. One more night throwing insults at the mirror.

Do you really want to talk about it, What more could ever be said, There is nothing left to save here, You cannot reanimate the dead, We could run through all the clichés, Mix up colorful metaphors, You can drag out the usual soliloquies Of the same stale insincere apologies ; There is nothing you could say That would change my mind, No way to explain away the truth I struck myself blind to deny, All the lies you could color With the brushstroke of a smile, How you would cry to me While you brutally cut me Looking right into my eyes ; It was unforgivable, All the pain and misdirection While you formulated your plans, Just a link in your chain of deception, Always distracted by your slight of hand, You are unforgivable, All those promises that bore no reflection In an empty void where your soul had been, A transparent hoax needs no discretion, When the heart of a fool bleeds so obvious, I opened the door and you walked right in It was unforgivable ; I do not want to think about it, I was so careless and carefree, Years of mistakes wove me into a doormat So life could walk all over me, When did it all change, Who do I blame, When did I become a victim, How did I end up in this place, I use to know how to resist them, Now somehow I have evolved into their prey ; You knew all of my weaknesses, The path through all of my defenses, Knowing everything I had been through You would steal the rest of my second chances, In my honest confessions You saw weapons you could abuse, You were so attentive to everything I said, I thought it meant you really cared, To see the best way to use me You had to get inside my head, To find all of the scars Where I had stitched myself back together, So you could watch me fall apart When you pulled out all the threads, That was when you tore me down, Deconstructed my world Then ripped my life to shreds

My mind a corridor darkened and depthless infinite oaken doors line the crumbling walls each of them: containing not one; but two of the horrors I call thoughts, pondering fears damp carpets line the floor blood red in color and rough to the touch but enter the library that I call my memories spiraling bookshelves - in all directions neglected papers – strewn crinkled papers, underfoot dusty covers of old records deteriorating volumes of past lives in the back – a shadowy corner is where I sit tears running down my cheeks body shaking – sobbing as a film strip rolls over and over replaying the moments in which I dream I could live again These moments in which I have spent with you.

you look through the mirror hoping to find, that someone you were was lost in time. All empty spaces as your mind turns black, You knew when you started there was no turning back. You lie to yourself saying you'll leave this town, Crying to yourself and everyone who's around, Keep quoting your quotes and live for today, Have fun while it lasts you wont get out anyway. The lies pile up and quickly begin to spread, You believe all you hear; all the bullshit that you're fed. A heart disappears as the sun begins to fade, All your friends laugh and smile at the monster they have made. You say that you've grown up; you don't need me anymore, I laugh and pretend to believe you as your heart falls to the floor. Your tears hit the pillow as you find what's real, You regret your choices as the devil offers up a deal. Forget the past for it can never change, Remain humble for at times life can seem strange. Your greatest fear was always you'd end up alone, Now here you stand with no friends, no heart, and no home.