182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones - the ones in his pants.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman to death - over the phone.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Forty seven times.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns to dead.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you until your face meets you ass.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
He, who laughs last, laughs longest. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is death.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere - anywhere.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
An orphan once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
The Marines once claimed Chuck Norris kicked their ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital. The knife bled to death.
A statistician followed Chuck Norris around the nation for one year and found that 89 percent of deaths caused by Chuck occur between the hours of 4 and 5 PM. This phenomenon is known by all as "Happy Hour".
Before you die you see the ring...on Chuck Norris' right hand.
Chuck Norris and Dick Cheney have joined forces to make the ultimate killing combo. Norris roundhouse kicks people and Dick Cheney shoots elderly lawyers.
Chuck Norris can block a fatality.
Chuck Norris has killed more men than death.
Chuck Norris has neither run across an irresistible force nor an immovable object.
Chuck Norris once broke the neck of a passing stranger in the street. When asked why he responded, "He looked like a damn commie." Chuck then opened fire on a passing school bus with an M60 machine gun; this is thought to be the basis for US foreign policy to this day.
Chuck Norris once killed a man by simply showing him how to love.
If you call him "Chuckster" to his face, Chuck Norris will end you. Coincidently, he will do the same if you pass by him on his right side.
Mess with the bull and you'll get the horns. Mess with Chuck Norris and you fucking die a long slow horrible death that involves kittens, midgets, and Republicans.
No human has ever died out of old age. Chuck Norris just don’t like old people.
There is currently a bill passing through congress to force Chuck Norris to get a tattoo that says "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Chuck Norris has been known to cause severe roundhouse kick related injuries." The irony is, by the time you've read it; the secondhand roundhouse kick is already fatal.
When Chuck Norris has a bad day, people die.
When Chuck Norris has a good day... twice as many people die and a few things explode.
When Chuck Norris is feeling bored, he shreds on the guitar. When Chuck Norris is feeling happy, he shreds people.
When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simple lose their will to live.
When you die, the last thing you see is Chuck Norris.
