adrafalls's blog: "Me & Mine"

PROBLEM SOLVING FOR DRINKING Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training. Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass Empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar. Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: See above. Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face. Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror. Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through an empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with the bartender. Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures. Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action: Cover mouth. Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault: You're dancing on the table. Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking. Symptom: Beer is crystal clear. Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up. Action: Punch him. Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault: You have been in a fight. Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action: See if they have free beer. Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. Fault: The beer is too weak. Action: Have more beer until your voice improves. Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. Fault: Beer is just right. Action: Play air guitar. Symptom: Bed is cold, hard and wet. You don't recognize bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You've spent the night in the gutter. Action: Check watch to see if it's opening time.

*Reality is an illusion that occurs due the lack alcohol *Upon being told I have a drinking problem I gave careful consideration and completely agree. I've two hands and only one mouth *I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of Communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working *Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza *A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her *How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter *Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times Beer drinkin' don't do half the harm of love makin' *I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day *When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! *When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading *The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind *24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? *If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose *I drink to make other people interesting The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer *A drink a day, keeps the shrink away *The best place to drink beer is at home. Or on a river bank, if the fish don't bother you *There are two reasons for drinking: One is, when you are thirsty, to cure it; The other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it *Here's to a long life, and a merry one; a quick death, and an easy one; a pretty girl, and an honest one; a cold beer - and another one! *You can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party