MELYNDA's blog: "Me and My Shadow"

If you can read this through without laughing out loud.... well perhaps you should go yourself. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brenda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brenda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brenda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brenda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! TUESDAY : I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brenda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brenda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY : The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving wa ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Brenda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brenda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brenda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY : Brenda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brenda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. FRIDAY : I hate that bitch Brenda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Brenda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich! The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY : Brenda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me."

10th Place Goes to: 9th Place Goes To: 8th Place Goes To: 7th Place Goes To: 6th Place Goes To: 5th Place Goes To: 4th Place Goes To: The Bronze Medal Winner: The Silver Medal Winner: Her helmet is being worn backwards .... and finally, here is our 2007 Women Drivers Awards *** Gold Medal Winner *** WOW ! ! How the ... ? ! Oh never mind... CONGRATULATIONS ! ! This concludes the 2007 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony. Thanks to all our contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile

atheist vs marine Body: A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the plat form. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silent ly. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

(1)A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was phys ically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.' The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.' (2)A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently , she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what Go! d looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' (3)A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' (4)The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.' A small voic e at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' (5)A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.' (6)The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' It doesn't matter h ow many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh, too.

COPY AND PASTE THE LINK BELOW, TO SEE A MOST AWESOME CARD WHOEVER DID IT, DID A GREAT JOB http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1545489532

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill. These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing �to stop the attack! � Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.��This is not for the squeamish... * * * * * * ** * * * ** * * * * * *

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door. 3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. 7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight. 14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper. 15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of. 16. Place present on cut-to-size paper. 17. Lift edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry. 18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape. 19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon. 22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end. 24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper. 25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper. 26. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 27. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room. 29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials. 30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock. 31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!) 32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas. 33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job. 34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion. 36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked. 38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try to hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present. 39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the thing for you.