Today i look in the mirror and see someone I hate. For years I have been told I am nothing. That I am ugly and wortless. A cold hearted bitch. And today as I look not only at myself on the outside but also with in I hate who I am, and what I am. Call it a pitty party, or whayever you must but I need to vent and so I am.
I see a woman I do not like to look at. I have only caused pain and heartache. I blame a lot of it on my life before today. I have been abused mentaly and physicaly my whole life. And I believe that that has a lot to do with who I am today.
I see ugly, i see a woman who has caused so many people heartache. why. why do I do this. I have had twp men in my life that have been nothing but good to me. Yet I tore out there hearts and took a huge crap on it. Now I regret it. Can I change it, no. But I feel i deserve what I get. I do not deserve them at all. I deserve the unhappiness. The heartache, the pain.
Dealing with this today is hard for me because I usualy just drink myself into numbness. But I had to decided to get sober for my son. And now I have all this shit in my heart that I have no clue how to deal with.
The loss of these guys have made me realize my parents and exhubby's were right.
WOW. what a wake up call for me. I don't deserve them.
I deserve all the pain and suffering that comes my way. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be inlove. To find that someone to love me and marry me is a fantasy I can dream of. But shall never reach.
Lonliness consumes me
As my heart crumbles
I fall to my knees
Darkness wraps it's arms around me
Grayness is my life
Running in circles I fail
Coldness engulfs my heart
The rage sets within
my body become numb
Feelings excape my fingertips
I grasp for the light ahead
I fall never reaching it
No sound
No light
No emotions
No breath
Darkness
alone
cold
ME