In an unprecedented move today the Supreme Court of Omnipotent Creation, granted Cain a new trial. Gabriel, representing Cain, stated that new and astounding evidence has been brought forth. Cain, the first born of Adam and Eve, slew his brother Able, in the turmoil that followed an offering to Jehovah, gone awry .
A poor dirt farmer, Cain offered Jehovah: “...fruit of the ground”, while his brother Able: “...brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof“. Jehovah, apparently a carnivorous fellow, admonished Cain and refused to eat his veggies.
Upset over his brother’s one up, Cain tried to speak to Able. The story goes that while they were in the field: “Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him”.
Cain, the first born of Eve, and fraught with the responsibly of bringing the first pain of childbirth upon her, has pleaded self defense.
“Able was always mommy’s little boy” Cain stated. “He always got what he wanted, and dad (Adam) just let it happen.” Cain said. “I was suppose to be the shepherd , but no, Able wanted to be one. So mom took my sheep away and gave them to the little bastard, and handed me a shovel.” Cain went on to say.
“Well he was a spoiled selfish brat”: said Cain. “If Jehovah only knew what Able thought of him, he’d shit his heavenly robes.” Cain went on. “ The little bastard mocked him all the time” Cain said. “What he didn’t know was precious Able was a mean two faced son of a bitch! Literally” says Cain. “Mom was a whore and we both knew it.” Cain’s tone rising a little.
“Her and the serpent had a thing going on since the apple fiasco” he claimed. “Able wasn’t even my dad‘s kid, and I was gonna let the cat out of the bag, so he attacked me“ he went on. “ . “I wanted Jehovah to know about his, precious little Able” he said mockingly.
The trial is set for later this year and Jehovah could not be reached for comment. Omnipotent Press writer: John Manson