MASTER CROW's blog: "Love"

Three things that feel like love but are really very far from it. 1. Lust You know the feeling… that unexplainable and often sudden physical draw to another person that hits you like a ton of bricks within moments of meeting. This is the feeling that is all too often mistaken for “love at first sight” but that is really nothing more than an intense physical attraction. When we fall in lust we often think we’re in love for three reasons... You know the feeling… that unexplainable and often sudden physical draw to another person that hits you like a ton of bricks within moments of meeting. This is the feeling that is all too often mistaken for “love at first sight” but that is really nothing more than an intense physical attraction. When we fall in lust we often think we’re in love for three reasons; the attraction is instantly intense and therefore feels pre-destined, you are essentially strangers meaning that your idea of who the person is resides almost entirely in the realm of fantasy and fantasies always seem perfect, and finally, you have yet to really see the other person for who they are because you are so caught up in a whirlwind of desire that you see only what you want to see. If love blinds then lust gouges out your eyes and renders you an irrational mess. Overwhelmed by the physical allure people in lust can’t keep their hands off of each other, they think about and talk about one another 24/7. If you are inexperienced in matters of the heart it is hard to see that lustful feelings are only of a surface nature. Lust differs from love like night differs from day. When you are in lust you are still in the dark about the other person, they look good because you haven’t seen them in the clear light of day, but eventually reality will take hold. Only once you know the object of your lust better and see them flaws and all will you really know if you have found love. In the early days of a relationship lust rules and when the dust settles many people find they don’t really like the person to whom they were so intensely physically attracted. When this happens the relationship abruptly ends and leaves people wondering where the love went. But love is more than a physical longing, although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, and if all you have between you is attraction you’re not really in love. Really loving another person takes time, it takes perseverance and it can’t be based on physical attraction alone. Until you know somebody well you can’t really be in love. 2. Obsession Obsessive feelings are often mistaken for love because people rationalize that, “It must be love if I can’t think of anyone else.” Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around once people have seen each other flaws and all. In fact, obsession can be made worse with time while lust always fades. Love can grow out of lust but obsession kills love every time... Obsessive feelings are often mistaken for love because people rationalize that, “It must be love if I can’t think of anyone else.” Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around once people have seen each other flaws and all. In fact, obsession can be made worse with time while lust always fades. Love can grow out of lust but obsession kills love every time. The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession based relationship the more intense the obsession can become and the more damage is done. People in an obsessed state have a one-track mind where the other person is concerned to the point where they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person and on the relationship in general. Even so called unrequited love (love that is not returned) can become an overwhelming obsession. This is where obsession gets dangerous. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn’t truly exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid. So how do you recognize an obsession? There are signs. If all of your time and effort goes in to satisfying the needs of another or in chasing after another person then you are at risk of becoming obsessed. If one person is always trying to please the other person or if the relationship is without consideration and compromise then it could be based on obsessive feelings rather than real love. Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating and takes away from the psyche of the person caught up in it. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all your decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you are obsessed and not in a real love relationship. 3. Rebounding Everybody has heard of the rebound fling. This is a relationship that comes very quickly on the heels of another relationship ending. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends. Even people who wanted their previous relationship to end can fall for the rebound phenomenon. Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to being in a relationship and feeling in love and more than anything else they want to feel those things again. They convince themselves they are in love when in reality they are really missing the relationship they left behind. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they want their old partner back it just means that they want to be in a relationship with somebody… and in a rebound phase that somebody could be anybody. Rebounding is shady because usually one of the people involved has genuine feelings for the other and this person ends up getting hurt when the rebounder comes to their senses (sort of speak). You can never be open to a new love when a part of you is pining for one that has been lost. Rebound relationships are really just emotional band-aids and new love can’t be found when old love wounds haven’t been given time to heal. How can you tell when enough time has passed between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another? How can you protect yourself from a rebound-based relationship? The answers are complex. There is no proven amount of time needed to move on from a relationship and for this reason it’s hard to say how one can protect themselves and their heart from a rebound. However there are some very clear signs that you (or your new beau as the case may be) aren’t quite over a lost love. If the old relationship keeps coming up or interfering with the progress of a new relationship than chances are good that you’re stuck in a rebound. If the rebounder keeps rehashing problems from the past relationship within the new relationship this is a clear sign that they haven’t moved on enough to fall in love again. Finally, if there are unresolved issues from the old relationship chances are very good that the new relationship is a rebound. Bottom line, if you feel as if the old relationship is a third party in your relationship yours is not a relationship that is based on love. You can’t find new love when you are harboring feelings for an old love or when you are longing to be in a relationship. Love can’t be forced at will, it must be found, and that can only happen for real when our hearts and minds are free.

Love vs Lust An article about the differences between love and lust hardly seems necessary. When we look at the issues dispassionately, it is easy to see that one is almost the opposite of the other. But the key word is "dispassionately". Passions, or emotions, can blind us to the most obvious truths. Jesus spoke of an "evil and adulterous generation", and nothing could more aptly describe the world of the Twenty-First Century. Birth control and extensive media propaganda have made sexual promiscuity the norm. We have more than once been approached by unmarried couples from otherwise conservative religious backgrounds, who refrained from joining our community merely because they would have to stop sleeping together. What is happening in the churches today, that such behaviour is tolerated and passively encouraged? At the moment, there is worldwide scandal about the fact that clergymen in several denominations have for many years been engaging in sexual activities with parishioners (many of them children) with only mild disfavour expressed by their superiors. Some people have been shocked by this. But isn't this the logical extension of the demand for a religion that leaves sexual mores up to the discretion of each individual? Unmarried couples openly live together. Married couples cheat on one another, get divorced, remarry, and then start the process all over again. And the clergy either turns a blind eye or develops teachings to justify it all. So it doesn't take much for these experts at distorting the truth to come up with justifications for their own sexual adventures as well. Amongst social workers, paedophiles are notoriously famous for being totally incapable of feeling guilt for their behaviour. The rest of society gets quite angry about that. But only because we imagine that there is some huge gulf between their lust and ours, and between their guilt and our own. But is there? Lust relates to seeking selfish pleasure through forbidden means. But sex is deceptive in that it allows one to go through the motions of giving pleasure to someone else (at least in some forms) at the same time that one derives personal pleasure from such activity. For many people, that is the closest that they will ever come to love. And this subtle form of self-deception can last them a lifetime. We do not mean by that, however, that the relationships that they form will last a lifetime. Because relationships invariably make demands on the people involved in them, the novelty of selfish pleasure eventually wears off. The other person starts getting on your nerves. Your sacrifices go unnoticed. And their abuses of the relationship seem to increase. In short, you both discover that the relationship is costing you more than you are deriving from it personally. True love, of course, blossoms in such an environment. True love gives, expecting nothing in return. But lust wants out. The relationship ends, while the deceptions about lust being love continue. It can be done through the flimsiest logic. You tell yourself that you've outgrown the relationship, that the other person doesn't deserve your love, that maintaining the relationship is more than you can bear. And then you set off in search of a new "love" (read "lust"). Unfortunately, the pleasure that goes with sex is so intense, that it is virtually impossible to reason with someone who has recently started a sexual relationship. They become blinded to reason, lost in the euphoria of the new relationship. Some have learned when it was too late, but even those who "learn their lesson" often fail to graduate to real love. They often become bitter or depressed instead, swearing that they will never "love" again. They close themselves off from all feelings, or they replace the search for pleasure through sex with a search for pleasure through alcohol or through drugs... yet another form of lust. Love is not a feeling; it is an act of the will. You do not "fall" in love. You consciously choose to love someone, without thought for what you can get out of the relationship. Often there can be more genuine love between platonic friends, or even between perfect strangers than there can be between two people who have been blinded by their hormones into thinking that they love someone, when what they really love are the thrills that the other person is giving them. Sexual pleasure is probably the single greatest obstacle to true love, because it confuses the motive. This may be why God decrees that it should not even enter the picture until after two people have made a public lifelong commitment to stay faithful "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." These traditional marriage vows sum up the essence of love, which is a commitment to doing what is best forl the other person, regardless of what it costs the person who is doing the giving. Contrary to popular opinion, love and marriage do not necessarily go together like a horse and carriage. You can choose to love any number of people without having sex with them. But if you are going to have a sexual relationship with someone, then the minimal Christian requirement is that you commit yourself ot that person only, for the rest of your life. No loopholes. No escape clauses. No pre-nuptial agreements. One strike and you're out. Approached that way, you will be forced to take a slightly more sober look at the differences between your own love, and your own lust. And if you don't do it before you marry, you'll have a liftime to wish you had after.

Figuring out what to do on a Saturday night is the easy bit. The hard part is avoiding misunderstandings about what it is you're really after. Whether it's everlasting love or burning lust, you'll want to tailor your plans accordingly. The following guidelines should help you clearly and effectively convey your true intentions. ASKING HER OUT IF IT'S LOVE Call at least four days in advance, requesting the pleasure of her company. IF IT'S LUST Call her at least 20 minutes in advance, and ask, "Can I come over?" DRESSING FOR THE EVENING IF IT'S LOVE Maximize class factor. Channel Audrey Hepburn. IF IT'S LUST Maximize jiggle factor. Channel Pamela Anderson. EATING IN IF IT'S LOVE Cook most the meal yourself, but invite your partner to join you for the finishing touches, to give a sense of partnership. This meal should convey the idea that loving domesticity can be a feast for the senses. Choose a homey yet delicious menu, such as roast chicken or rack of lamb. Drizzle truffle oil over mashed potatoes, transforming this ordinary dish into a veritable bowl of luxuriousness. IF IT'S LUST Prepare appetizers before your guest arrives: finger food, nothing fancy. Keep the lighting low. The idea is that she may nibble, but YOU are the main course. EATING OUT IF IT'S LOVE Choose a restaurant based on romantic potential: soft lighting, somewhat quiet ambiance, a menu rooted in the Romance Languages: French, Spanish, Italian. IF IT'S LUST Choose a restaurant where you can order over-rich foods&emdash;oysters, foie gras, chocolate mousse&emdash;that spoil quickly, implying that this is a one-time opportunity, and there's no chance of a repeat performance. WHEN THE BILL ARRIVES IF IT'S LOVE Discreetly take it as soon as it arrives, and don't allow her to see it. Decline her offer to split it with you. After all, her company is payment enough. IF IT'S LUST Look at the bill. Then look at her. Say, "So. Are you coming over?" GOING TO THE MOVIES IF IT'S LOVE Ask him if there's anything he'd like to see. After all, how bad can Samurai Tomb Destroyer 4 really be? IF IT'S LUST Choose something boring. Sit in the back row. RENTING A VIDEO IF IT'S LOVE Go for a popular drama, comedy, or foreign film. IF IT'S LUST Reach for the box labeled, "Terms of Endearment." But make sure you've switched the video inside with the adult title, "Terms of Endowment." Once you've turned it on, feign surprise, then say, "Well, we might as well watch this one." GOING TO A PARTY IF IT'S LOVE Tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the room. Then take her up on the roof or into the garden to look at the stars. Kiss her on the lips. IF IT'S LUST Tell her she's the hottest babe in the room. Then take her into the bathroom. Kiss her everywhere but the lips. THROWING YOUR OWN PARTY IF IT'S LOVE Proudly introduce him to everyone as "Michael, my boyfriend." Don't invite ex-boyfriends unless they're truly good friends with no ulterior motives. IF IT'S LUST Just say, "This is Michael." Look uncomfortable. Make sure you invited as many of your exes as you could. If it doesn't work out with Michael, maybe you'll get lucky with one of them. CULTURAL EVENTS IF IT'S LOVE Surprise with box seats at the opera. Offer to buy her the libretto. IF IT'S LUST Surprise her with seats at a strip club. Offer to buy her a lap dance.

Steps 1.Step OneClarify what love is for you. Write down all your thoughts and feelings about what a loving relationship would be like for you. 2.Step TwoDistinguish between love and lust or infatuation. Lust is an intense sexual desire. Infatuation refers to the initial stage of a relationship, when you are "crazy" about her, but this feeling usually fades over time. 3.Step ThreeAsk other people how they define love or know if they love someone. 4.Step FourWrite down how you do feel about her. For example: you enjoy her company, have similar interests, feel safe, trust her, think she is attractive, etc. 5.Step FiveThink about how well the two of you relate to each other. For example: How well do you communicate with each other? How do you deal with conflict? Do you bring out good or bad parts of each other? Can you show different sides of yourself? 6.Step SixAsk yourself if you see and accept her as a whole person. Love isn't just loving the parts of her you like, but choosing to love her overall. Tips & Warnings!!! The infatuation phase of a relationship typically lasts about six months. You may think you are in love and she is perfect for you. It often takes more time to tell if you are truly compatible and whether you can really love the whole person, good and bad. Read The Art of Loving and other books about love. Wise people have been writing about it for hundreds of years. In our bookstore, look under psychology, spirituality or philosophy.