I've been thinking a lot about the concept of love lately...What does it mean? Does it mean different things to different people? Why is it easier for some people to feel and to express it than it is for others?
Love, for me, has always been a relatively easy emotion to come by, recognize and express. Granted, at times in relationships I may have confused lust or infatuation for love, or I may have given myself to someone undeserving of such heartfelt affection, but I don't consider my willingness to love a weakness.
It just means that I've had my heart broken a couple of times, without regret.
I always grew up knowing that I was loved. It was an emotion that was freely expressed in my home. Goodnight hugs were punctuated with an "I love you." Phone conversations ended the same way. I lived every day knowing that my mother loved me, and I her, even if we were apart or if we'd had a fight.
I know that many adults did not grow up this way, and that saddens me. I can't imagine going a day without telling my DAUGHTER that I love her. And nothing brings me greater joy than for her to tell me that he loves me, especially when it's unprompted and not followed up with a request for candy.
I even tell my friends that I love them, which some people may find strange. They bring me joy and provide me with support and enrich my life. Of course I love them, so why shouldn't I tell them so?
I recently read an article that succinctly defined love, and the definition resonated with me because of its simplicity and because of its applicability to all types of love, be it with a child, a friend, or a partner. The author wrote:
Love is a choice to be committed, vulnerable, and responsible to the one for whom you care.
I want to break down this author's definition a bit...
1. Love is a choice. I actually heard some doctor say this on a show many years ago when I was going through my split up and it stuck with me. Love is a conscious decision that we make about how we are going to feel and behave toward another person. Love doesn't just magically appear (or disappear) with a sprinkle of pixie dust; it's a matter of free will. Yes, love is an emotion, one that is sometimes overwhelming or even sometimes fleeting. But real love, the type of love that lasts, is love that you build on and work on each and every day.
2. Love means being committed to someone, being committed to his or her growth. It means that you believe in who they are and who they can become. It's being there for someone, and helping them become a better person. It's committing to that person not only to today, but to tomorrow, and beyond.
3. Love means being vulnerable. It means being willing to go through the ups and downs that come with loving an imperfect person, both the joys and the sorrows. Loving someone means opening yourself to happiness, but it also means being vulnerable to hurt. If you think about it, no stranger can hurt you the way you can be hurt by someone that you love. That's really the scariest prospect of all, isn't it? Isn't that fear the reason why some people choose not to love at all?
4. Love means being responsible for the other person, not in a literal sense, but in the sense that you are accountable for your behavior toward him or her. You are accountable for trusting and being trustworthy, and for communicating honestly and openly. You are responsible for considering the other person in your actions and decisions. You are responsible for the words that you speak, or don't speak.
We oftentimes think of love as such a complex concept or emotion, which it is... but it was interesting to read, contemplate and break down this author's definition. It made me realize that love is so much more than just a "feeling"; it's about unselfish behavior, commitment, and most frightening of all, vulnerability. It's about being willing to make the choice to give yourself completely in mind and spirit and to risk the chance of pain for the rewards of joy. Love is sometimes hard work, but it's rewarding work, with remarkable returns on your investment.
If you ARE willing to love, to give the greatest gift you can possibly give, shouldn't the people you love also be worthy of hearing it from you?
I think so.
So tell your sister that you believe in her. Tell your best friend that you appreciate him. Tell your wife that you are committed to her. Tell your father that you're there for him.
In fact, I think I'll tell my daughter tonight how much I love her...and I'll tell her again tomorrow...and every night after that. I don't think I can say it enough.
Readers...Do you believe that love is a choice? Do you have a hard time telling someone that you love him or her?
