Viper XpX's blog: "love and pain"

I gain but yet i lose----when i lose i hope to gain and sometimes i feel like i am making it--like i am actually moving towards something....but BAM another obstacle...i stay as silent as i can for fear of waking some sleeping anger in people--that seems to happen so much my feelings enraging something in people....so much so that i want to close my heart and board it up where it cant hurt anyone anymore---where it cant hurt me.....i love very deeply---to the point that it rips me apart inside when i feel out on a limb alone---i beg and i plead and i scratch every surface till everything is raw and exposed and still it isnt enough---i still stay pushed beneath the surface drowning on emotion always battling alone---i am broken i am sad and i am low---when i reach my hand out for some sort of savior to pull me to the surface---i feel weighted down to the bottom even more-----i dont know what to say i dont know what to do--i am lost inside my own self---trying to save everything that is good in me---there is so much inside of me---can no one see it but me???? why do we bind ourselves to our past and let it run our future??? do we not know all that we could lose give away and miss out on---by always living guarded...how can we ever be happy if we cant press thru the anguish we have experienced---its there for us to learn from to grow from---but yet we shrink inside of it as if it were some sort of plauge just taking us down deeper till we condemn our own selves to a lifetime of heartache and doubt---why do we not take risks---what is love but a risk itself always crying at the top of my lungs but noone listens---no one knows no one sees or they just dont want to-----I found something for the first time in a long time--like a fragile flower-but its tainted by the mistakes of others--and i am suffering and so is this delicate beautiful thing...so scared so protected that it wont even open itself up to recieve all that i could give---it is dying but is still to terrified to live......how do we get like this?????? I need this beauty---but my heart cant take it....i wins the battles in the end--and for brief moments i can reach for that beauty---but when i touch it...it hides again inside of itself....i need it i want it---i am living just for that beauty---i would give up everything for it----as fleeting as it is---i love every moment i get to experience it--but i know inside i cant go on like this forever.....one day i will make myself give up---i will be forced to walk away from it--not by choice--never by choice could i abandon something so amazing--but out of exhaustion.....out of always feeling alone in it---- i just want that hand in the dark--that certainty--i need it---but this beauty---i fear it wont realize it until it is far to late--and then i am left to ask--did any of it matter??? will that beauty weep at my loss??? will it know what was holding it once upon a time??? or will i be forgotten as it has been forotten so many times???....who knows only the beauty knows----but the one thing i am sure of---is that this beautiful things has touched me so deeply and i will never ever ever for as long as my life allows