Its been almost three weeks since my father passed away.I'm still grieving and trying to accept that hes really gone and that I'll never see him again-unless I die.I go to sleep at night in hopes that I'll dream about him.My dreams are a blur when I awake and I can't remember them now.I turn corners no matter where I go hoping to see him.When I cry I wait for him to appear and tell me that everything is okay,and that hes okay too.Everything reminds me of him.When I light a cigarette I remember when he smoked,or him telling me that he would die wanting a cigarette.He quit smoking a few months before he was diagnosed with leukemia.If I drink pepsi I remember not liking pepsi when I was kid,but drinking it after he got sick.Certain foods that he made when I was kid cause me to get upset.The pictures of him standing beside me when I was about four years old make me wish that I could turn back the hands on the clock to a time when he wasn't sick,when I was daddys little girl,when daddys laughter could make nothing else in the world matter.I miss him.Its so hard planning my wedding day knowing he won't be there to give me away.I have a little over to plan the first day of the rest of my life with the man that I feel my daddy loved,trusted,and knew was right for me.The wedding day is on our sons sixth birthday,our son that we lost almost six years ago.Our son that I never got to say goodbye to,or to be a mother to because he was taken away much too soon.I miss him too,but now I know his grandfather is with him,and hes being taken care of.The both of them are.I'm trying my best to move forward with my life because I can't go backwards and change what I have no control over.I can stay stuck in this one place and be this sad angry person for the rest of my life but thats not going to benefit me or the loved ones I have left.Its time I stop feeling sorry for myself.I had a great father that was always there for me.He was strong and loved life,he never gave up and I can only pray to be as strong as he was.Hes not suffering anymore,and hes happy now.I'm going to help plan my wedding,and I'm going to be okay.He'll be there,beside me like hes always been.
I love and miss you daddy.
03/15/44-10/13/2006 ~sleep well~ Love,
Teresa
