CappyHAG's blog: "lost love"

I used to be young, trusting, open and naive, but I am different now. My eyes tell the story of a broken soul. There are flashes of red hot anger, moments of quiet blue reflection, and tides of deep purple passion. The bits and pieces of my heart are held together by strings of hope and glued together with determination. I am a survivor, but sometimes I miss that wide-eyed trusting child I used to be before infidelity, lies, and heartbreak took her away. I will never be the person I was and I can only hope to become the person that I want to be. I want to trust again, to love without holding back. I want to throw my arms wide open and fall into our love with reckless abandonment, but I am not ready yet. Will I be ready before you give up waiting for me? I just don't know. I have to be patient and I refuse to rush myself. There is a plan in this life of mine; I just don't know what it is yet. So I keep struggling along trying to find the light switch, hoping that the path will be illuminated. I know that I will be okay because I have weathered many storms. I will not break again!

I was beautiful once.

Long ago my creator made me; he spent time to make me into exactly how I was meant to be. My edges were smoothed; my face took shape and I became a beautiful masterpiece made from loving hands. I came to belong to a man who loved me upon first sight. He wrapped me up and brought me home. I sat in the garden for all to see. He was so proud; he would polish me and show me to everyone that came to visit, but soon he grew tired of me. I was no longer the center of his attention and he found other things to admire and spend time with. I stood tall and proud through all types of weather. In the summer months, the hot blazing sun would burn upon my face and snow covered me during the cold winter months. Winds blew upon me, but I did not move. Rains pounded against me, yet I did not falter. I began to lose pieces of myself as the change in weather tore my outer shell apart; I became aged looking, but I was strong inside. I still stand tall in the garden while pieces of me litter the ground and I can hear the people say - She was beautiful once.

The morning sun is up and the light filters through our bedroom windows to lay upon you face.

I trace the outline of your high forehead, long nose, and thin lips.

I watch your chest rise and fall with each breath that you take.

I am amazed at this simple moment, at how far we have come.

Looking back on our past, I can see the rubble of the wars we waged; the broken pieces of my heart seem to litter the landscape and my tears could not wash it all away.

Your addiction was like an ever present storm and your lies lit up the night like bolts of lightening striking the ground. Your broken promises fell to the ground like meteors ripping through the earth.

But that is our past. I look to the future and it is like a quiet hill with a soft breeze. There is a big beautiful oak tree offering us shade from the warm sun.

I can't see what lies beyond, but I am content with where we are. This is our life now, one day at a time, living moment to moment and this moment is good.

Your sleepy eyelids open and you smile at me; I can't help but melt. We have come a long way and our love has weathered many storms, but today the sun is resting on your face, I am resting in your arms, and you are resting in my heart.

I wanted to share my happiness with you today-

but I couldn't because we've pushed each other away.

I wanted to give you a hug, a kiss, to hold you tight-

but I couldn't; I was afraid it would feel too right.

I wanted to whisper "I love you" in your ear,

beg you to stay and hold you near,

but we're not a couple anymore.

We're just two people who used to love before.

Before the drinking took you away,

before the anger and hate caused my heart to decay.

We were part of something great, a couple who said forever,

now we're better and defiant saying never.

You ask me if you can come home for awhile, but we don't have a home.

I wanted to say yes, but I become too worrisome.

You think that my lack of tears signals a lack of heart,

but I'm afraid if I cry that I'll just fall apart.

And all the kings horses and all the kings men,

will never get the pieces of my heart and soul back together again.

So I put a smile on my face and start my day;

There's work, housework, kids, baby and play.

I don't want to think about it, to make it real.

I just want to block it out so I won't feel.