71 days old 4 the addict name Carlton
The Higher Power deserves all that credit. Once I decided 2 stop playing with his gift,Life,and do as he said not as I want. Only then recognized I was blessed all the time. What I mean is not what I have, been, or screwed. The things I have done to myself, from using different drugs including alcohol. Not just the using how I used to later abusing all substances, including women. No one was exempt in the beginning especially in the end. At the end of my addiction I harmfully obtained money or drugs to feed obsession and compulsion. No one mattered, family, friends and especially strangers.
Strangers who used became my new family. Sometime they became allies, in the end they became the spitting image of enemies. They were just like me not physical, but socially. They too become cunning, infamous, and untrustworthy. If they came in your house, you better tell them to clap their hands and don't once stop clapping. A break in the continuous sound of clapping means most likely they took something. We are worst with one another. The diease forces us to wonder how I can get some or all of that. The diease don’t suggest sharing is an option. This motherfucker doesn’t come with a built in morals or compassion mode. You grow accustom to and being mentally and physically cunning for satisfaction. Could this obsess way of thinking be arrested or channeled to do good? Most probably would say no and some say yeah. I can say yes and no, because it is normally the same behavior without the use of drugs. Addiction converts this into evil, self centeredness, and plain and simple selfishness. We sometimes already acquired these traits as children. It doesn’t matter whether you have other sibling or just an only child, but if such things as sharing and share alike is never displayed in the home. Of course when a process of addiction occurs this same unnatural behavior is going to surface. And if u was granted the home training the disease will manifest this behavior to use as acceptance. Normally because so many of us were once the victims and grow long and tired of this process continuing, we learn since the addiction is not going to wear off but mature we can’t avoid these traits of animalistic not normal values.
Most people who grew up in addict’s havens most times display this same dog eat dog behavior and are clean. This is normally a process of I don’t want 2 continue to dwell in the last place finishing mode. I want to win. So they manipulate their inner self into believing I can handle this. Only until the any means possible situations incorporate them into becoming the victim of their own commonly used circumstances is when they want to cry foul. Do what goes up don’t come down or u believe it is not suppose happen to u?
I’ve been on the receiving end of being manipulated many of times clean. And when I wasn’t clean or even fresh, cause I was more then likely drowning my sorrows in the bottle, I use to always question why life like this for me is? In my eyes a lot of those I was viewing had their life together. Only if I could’ve been a fly on the wall and seen when they took off what I thought was the mask and seen how they handled life. They sort help from their Higher Power. Now I questioned do he answer? That is the answer only that person can answer. However, pray WORKS. Many of times I thought it didn’t or wouldn’t work for me, but when I look at how much and how many times I used for a feeling not knowing how lucky I was to actually wake up tomorrow. I know my blessings were there without me even asking him for it. Because anytime I inhaled or swallowed my drug of choice, it could have been my last breath. Grateful is just the word I know to use. My gratitude goes as far as anyone can see and beyond.
Just for today I know I am blessed. Why cause I made it thru all them yesteryears of self inflicted hell. The times I had things and just didn’t know how to use be grateful for what I had. I was thankful all the time, but was I following his Good Orderly Directions (GOD)? No. Could I blame fear for not knowing what to expect if I did? No, only if I knew fear was one of the tools the disease would use against me. The diseases don’t need permission and won’t ask.
Just for today the things I had yesteryear is all possible to obtain now that I’ve woken out of my dream state and stopped blaming, hiding, running, and looking outside of myself for comfort. I am and no longer the victim I claimed to have been. My hostages I have released and I have surrendered to what is unknown and no longer am I will to b a humble participant of what I can see and know is obsessively harmful. I am conscious of my surroundings. I can’t blame anyone for my self indulgence. I have always looked for combatants who were or worst then me. I was sure I could be there leader. It was easy. Neither of us had any self worth, direction, or common sensibility. The worst part of this disease it convinced me I was needed and I could and should be their leader. The only thing I didn’t govern most times was their use. But yes I told them when to show up, what to bring, and I controlled what they got if I went to get it. How I did that? If I went to cop, I would stop somewhere on the way back and reshape the bag(s). That is called robbing an addict and justify it as a payment. In my mind I figured if I didn’t I wasn’t going to appreciate no couple of rocks, leftovers or a hit for risking my freedom. Funny thing happened over the course of time. A couple times it happened to me and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt. I knew the game. I couldn’t prove it. And plus I was too shameful to accuse someone. Cause like the old saying goes- if u accuse someone of something you really trying to hide your own guilt. And I surely should have been tried, sentenced, and executed many of days for the shit I was trying to bury. Remind that trait about being able to play unselfishly with others. Well the diease casts that shit out the window. Everybody gets a turn. Either u going to victimize someone or show up when your name is called. Don’t try trace your roots back to childhood and figure that trait out. Once u get addicted to learning how to live as an active addict. All types of traits you will pick up a lot the way.
Just for today I will b unafraid. My thoughts will be on my NEW ASSOCIATIONS. People who are not using and who have found a NEW way of life. As long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear. As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger then those that will tear us apart ALL WILL BE WELL. Don’t let experience become your or continue being your teacher. Learn from me I already did it for you.
