The minutes near seven in the morning and I find myself glancing out the window overhead. There's a gentle breeze flowing through the tree branches and light is inching it's way. I sigh, theres a million and one things formulating within and yet I can't quite grasp or place a finger on anything. How many times must one start something before they bring themselves to actually finish? How many times must a person push and push until they take the plunge? I could sigh until i'm blue in the face, but in the end... i'm the one hurting, and i'm the one that has allowed myself to be in this position.
a dry wind blows right through me...
babys crying and I can't sleep...
but we both know, a change is coming...
it's coming closer, sweet release...
A letter addressed in my name awaited my arrival back in Lake. The words flowed together, the thoughts and emotions expressive enough to make one gasp, or at least me anyway. To know you've come in contact with someone who is you, completely you just a different gender and body...is amazing. Some of you have a clue of what i'm talking about, some of you not the slightest. It's been my luck that as soon as I acquaintance myself or become comfortable with something or someone, it backfires completely and I look like a fool.
This is not a circus, so don't play me like a clown.
I sit here, half dazed out-half aware of the cursor blinking. We become so obsessed with something because its not something we're used to. We become upset and hurt because we don't understand. We thrive on drama, it's something that keeps our blood from turning cold in our very veins. There is always someone willing to cause trouble, or bend over backwards to stop someone from being happy or doing what they want. We point our self-righteous fingers and gasp in shock when something goes out of the normality of our fucking societies. Who sets the standards for what's normal anyway? And what gives that person the right to do so?
The very fucking truth is, I'm damaged. I've allowed the very things I've looked down upon taint me and somehow become a part of me. I've allowed what people think effect me. I've taken everyone's shit time and time again, because somehow someway I thought I needed it to belong. But christ, I still don't belong... and may never.
We say things to people, and the next day pretend that we didn't mean them. There is truth in every little thing we say. We find some excuse and expect it to make everything better. Nothing makes it better, especially not some half-assed excuse that we allow to roll off our tongue. It all comes down to not being able to GO BACK, but to just move forward and try not to fuck that up as well.
You glance around, all feelings of unsureness surface, right down to the part where you aren't quite aware of the person you have been all your life. You grasp, your fingers clenching...you'd do anything to never have to let go. You'd scream, but would anyone even understand, and more so- do you even want them to? And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through this unclear mantle of wet lashes, and messy mascara that clearly stated "water-proof"-you begin to look at the world through a new view, a new horizon, new eyes. And it's there, that realizations become...
You realize that for years, you've been sitting around waiting and hoping for something to change, for happiness, or this sense of security and safety to just come with the next gust of wind, and it's time to stop-because the only way we truly have something is to work for and at it every day of our life.
You realize that you cannot project your needs or your feelings into a relationship. Just because of the man or woman on your arm, it doesn't make you any more intelligent, important, or more loveable. The same goes with a child bearing your name. To be someone, you don't have to rush off and have a child when you're just a child yourself. To fully understand relationships, we cannot go heart first, but head first... we must see relationships as they really are, and not as we would like to have them be.
None of this makes sense...
It's after eight in the morning, I feel sick.. and in need of yet another bath.
Excuse me while I do that...
xoxoxox,
.:.Jezsyk@.:.
