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Being in an online love relationship is a difficult, but very rewarding experience. Sometimes, as in many difficult experiences, negative thoughts can creep into your mind. If you find yourself wondering why you, or possibly even a friend, are in an online love relationship, take a moment and read through these Lovingyou.com user's thoughts and experiences for a few answers. "I believe that the best part of an online love is that the two people get to bond mentally and spiritually long before they ever make a physical bond. They get to know one another's heart and soul, and that is the most important part of any relationship." -Mary Sammons "Finally meeting them is the best... in person I mean." -Sandy "You both get to have your own space. You're not smothered, and you don't get tired of each other." -Charlene "We know a lot about each other just from talking, but there are still many things that we don't know and that adds a type of mystery to the relationship." -SAK "It lets me be who I want to be in the most open and honest way that I can." -allison "You can learn all about that person, and it's easier to share feelings with each other that you probably wouldn't if you met them somewhere." -rachel "Knowing that person more so than you would if you meet them somewhere else." -Anna "It's two things. The first is that because of the medium you (well we at least) are dependent on e-mails and certainly talk about a great many more things than we might have had we met at a bar or something. Secondly, that you can spend time with your beloved without having to dust or vacuum the place." -Spiffy "One of best things I have found out about in an online relationship is communication skills. You really learn how to express yourself fully with words. And when you do get to spend time together it makes it more special since you don't need to spend time finding out favorite colors, songs, movies etc." -Melissa Vladar "You get to 'know' the person without any pressures of sex or intimacy. So once you are together you will know what to do and it will seem as though you have been together forever. Online means no complications if you do not want them." -Adena "The best thing about being in an online relationship is knowing that you are loved for who you are, not what you look like." -S. Mazingo "The fact that even if you get into a disagreement, both of you don't end up fighting and hurting each other physically. Words are enough to end a disagreement." -Yewande Fasoranti "The best thing about being in an online relationship is the opportunity to know a person's heart, soul and character without the distraction of their physical persona. True beauty of spirit can make the most plain person into an intoxicatingly beautiful love." -Debra Williams "Learning about your lover much more deeply than if they were right next door. Having the chance to talk about what matters, their interests, instead of doing the things you'd do if he/she were right there." -Manny "The best thing about being in a LDR/online relationship is the communication and plans that both of you talk and make. You develop either great talking or listening skills." -Sandy
A mini-course on communication for couples... by Jennifer Good It's amazing, but if you really look closely you'll discover that people are extremely private creatures. For all that we seem to want to boast and have ourselves become acclaimed, we still tend to bottle our truest and deepest feelings inside. And, for what? Most often to protect our helpless hearts from heaps of pain, anger, ridicule, despair or ultimately heartbreak. But, what if keeping our inner selves hidden is what causes the pain to appear in the first place? Have you ever considered that preventing the people close to us from really getting to know us is what's keeping them from giving their all as well? Every person has an inner need to be heard and understood. The people who understand us best are the ones we consider our closest friends, and the type of people we tend to gravitate towards. So, it would make sense that if we took the time to understand our partners and visa versa we could create a relationship of true closeness and intimacy. We wouldn't feel the need to hide our real feelings, or keep our deepest dreams and desires hidden because we would feel safe in the knowledge that our partner would understand. For a lot of couples this may seem like an impossible task. If you've been together for any number of years, and communication is still your number one problem, it is definitely worth the risk to try and create a better verbal environment. To begin on the road to verbal bliss you'll need to check all emotional baggage at the door. It can't be allowed on this trip. What kind of emotional baggage? Well, first you need to strip away any "shoulds or should nots," or other beliefs. These are the statements that you hear cycling in your head when you're partner is doing or saying something such as: "He should know what I mean," "If he really loves me he should understand," or "She should know better than to do that." There aren't any prerequisite behaviors that you or your partner should have, other than a willingness to understand and listen. Everything else is just a made up excuse to get away with not using real communication. Next, you need to reenter the relationship with an open and trusting heart. You need to be able to begin these tasks without harboring negative or hurtful feelings. What has been done is in the past, and this is a step towards creating a new future. If you let the past in, you're only crippling your future. The first step towards improvement is to examine your current communication patterns. Below are a few questions to ask, and share your thoughts with, each other. This should be done without ANY accusations. It is a time for revelation and pattern changes. In fact, you may not want to do all the questions at one time. The best way to complete this "mini-course" is to handle one pattern each week. Below are the first three weeks of this mini-course to get you started. We will be including the next three patterns next week, so be sure to bookmark this page! Remember, this is an exercise for a couple to complete. You can gain benefit doing it on your own, but you won't experience the ultimate reward of true intimacy in the same way as doing this together. Negative Pattern #1: Are you belittling your partner's communication? Check the tone of voice you are using. This is the most common area of misunderstanding and invalidation. The surprising fact is that most of the time you won't even realize you are doing it. Sugar goes down a lot easier than spice. Make it a special point to practice kindness in the way you say things, even if you don't agree. To put this into practice take notice of how you react when you disagree with something your partner says or does. Does your vocal tone change dramatically? Do you act incredulous or as if your partner has grown horns and sprouted whiskers? Do you frequently find yourself saying no or other negative comments? These are not actions that promote a willingness to talk and grow together. It just makes your partner feel stupid and as if you feel you are better then them. If you do nothing else to improve your love life, just make sure to take care in the way you speak to each other. Talking It Over: How has this pattern made it more difficult to talk to your partner? Give each other three different examples of ways they could say things better towards you. Assignment: Get caught using the examples your partner has given at least 5 times this week. When you notice your partner making an effort to improve their communication tactics, reward them with an "I love you," a kiss, or other small acknowledgment. Practical Usage: When in a disagreement, use phrases such as: "I understand what you're trying to say, but I disagree because…," "Your viewpoint is important, but I still find that I like it better like this because…" Try to make sure your partner knows you do not desire to invalidate what they are saying; you just disagree. Negative Pattern #2: Are you always trying to prove a point in a discussion? Do your conversations seem to always have an ulterior motive? You aren't in this relationship to prove how worthy you are, or to see how well you can outwit your partner. An open debate is healthy, but not if every conversation seems to be about you becoming the winner. When you spend all your energy seeing what statements your partner makes that you can shoot down, or devising ways to get your point across, you miss the entire point of communication. It not only makes your partner want to withdraw from talking with you in the future, you also ruin the chance of really getting to know your partner's internal feelings about an issue and why they believe what they believe. You may feel like you're the winner of a conversation, but it's only a false victory. In the end, you become the loser because you'll have lost that someone who was willing to help you find your real victories. Talking It Over: Have you ever felt your partner had a hidden agenda when talking with you? Give two examples of this negative pattern and two different suggestions for ways you would have liked them to handle it better. Assignment: Instead of looking for ways to debate with your partner, search for the real meaning of what your partner is trying to say. Let your partner talk to you about an important issue or problem they are having for 15 minutes without you interrupting or saying anything in return. When they are done, see if you can reinterpret their root feelings about the problem, find any viewpoints your partner may have missed and help give some solutions. Then switch and let your partner do the same for you. Practice this at least twice a week. Practical Usage: Your partner comes home from work a little irritable. Make the time to give them a supportive hug and invite them to sit and talk about their day. Do not try to steer the conversation in any direction. They may not feel like talking about why they are irritable. That is okay! All you need to do is show that you care and understand that they aren't feeling up to par, and that you are there if they should need you. Negative Pattern #3: Do you maintain eye contact with each other when you talk? Eye contact lets the other person know that you value and respect what they are saying, EVEN if you disagree. Looking away, or even walking away, while your partner is talking is non-verbally communicating your lack of concern about their viewpoint in a situation. This trait is often used as a control mechanism. If you avoid the conversation or give the "silent treatment" then your partner may feel sorry for you or even just give in. Take an honest, inward look and see if this is your intent when using this technique. If you are, you're not reaping the real rewards true communication can bring. All you are doing is getting your own way. In the end your partner will just end up resenting you for not allowing them a chance to express their feelings Talking It Over: Do you feel your partner practices good eye contact and body language with you? Why or why not? Is the silent treatment a communication technique you use? Give each other two examples of disagreements that could have been handled better. Offer your own solutions for ways you can both handle these types of disagreements better in the future. Assignment: Practice talking while looking at each other. Make it a point to keep eye contact for as long as possible. When you notice your partner doing this with you, make sure to thank them for taking your communication seriously. Practical Usage: When your partner comes to you to talk about their day or other news they'd like to share, be an active listener. Don't do chores around the house, handle the kid's homework, or take phone calls. Actually sit for the few minutes your partner needs, and listen to what they are saying intently, paying close attention to your eye contact and body language.
Use the power of communication for you! by Jennifer Good Ask a couple what's the one thing they'd like to improve in their relationship and more often than not their answer will be communication. It seems the thing we take most for granted, our speech, is the one thing that has the power to build or destroy a relationship. If you find communication is an area you'd like to improve in your relationship, take a few moments and read over the following tips and ideas for a better relationship through communication. 1. Communication is a power - don't abuse it. As with any condition of power, the quickest way to ruin is by abusing it. Remember that your words have long lasting effects, even more so than you may realize. In the future, the reason why you were arguing or having difficulties may not be remembered, but the feelings and words you conveyed will be. If you feel yourself about to say something demeaning or unneccesary, stop yourself and don't say anything at all. Try other tactics like going out for a walk, writing in a journal, cleaning or doing something creative instead. 2. Communication is a power - use it! If you have a tool that will make you the wealthest person in the world, not using it would seem to be the most absurd thing possible. The same applies to communication. By taking the time to let the person in your life know how you feel and how much you love and cherish them, you'll be taking your relationship to a new level. Both sexes love to hear how wonderful they are, and how much they are appreciated. If you're not taking the time out to tell your partner these things, then you're wasting the best tool for your relationship that you have. 3. Unspoken communication. Have you ever watched a movie where the most powerful and moving scene was the one where no one spoke at all? Let this work for you the next time you want to truly convey your love. Spend some time everyday just looking at each other, not speaking at all. Use your other senses to express what you're trying to communicate. You might just be surprised at how much you enjoy this time together. 4. Communicating without realizing it! Sometimes I find the moments that ended up being the most important and special to me happened when I wasn't even aware of it at the time. Create these moments for yourselves by keeping engaged in activity. Don't just sit in front of the TV and watch show after show. Play board games, listen to music, give each other back rubs, talk about your dreams, play on the computer together, go for a walk, paint a room, wrestle... your options are endless. If you haven't guessed, the point is to do something that is fun for both of you! You'll find that the more time you spend together in activites, the less time or desire you'll have for communication problems.

10 Communication Blocks

Finding out where the breaks are... by Jennifer Good! Communication is often cited as the number one problem area in a relationship. If two people understand this, and are working towards having great communication, then how can they still run into problems? The reason is there may be many unknown factors contributing to the demise of a couple's communication. In this article we'll take a look at ten possible communication blocks that may be happening in your relationship. Language If you or your partner speaks a different first language, there can be a lot of semantic misunderstandings that may or may not be obvious. If you feel you're not being understood, really take the time to explain what you are trying to communicate. Culture With the Internet helping bridge gaps across territorial boundaries that once existed, this block is more important than ever. Just because you grew up with a certain philosophy about something, does not guarantee your partner did the same. Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking of or feeling about a certain issue. If you find yourselves on different sides of a disagreement, take the time to find out why they view it so differently. It could very well be they were brought up to believe things differently. Respect their choices and try and find some common ground you can both work from. Truth, Or The Lack Of One of the main culprits of blocking communication is the lack of truth and honesty. This is true even if you tell yourself that it isn't dishonest if you withhold a truth. For proper communication to be established, both parties involved need to be aware of everything relevant. Otherwise, one partner is always going to be hindered. False Pretenses This block is pretty self-explanatory. If someone tells you they are something they are not, chances are you're going to find out about it sooner or later, and not be too happy about it. Expectations What are your expectations of each other? How many times have you had disagreements about what you each expect from the other? If you don't clearly lay down what you both expect from each other in the roles you play (father, mother, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) you will run into this disagreement fairly often. Misunderstandings The bulk of disagreements come down to one single thing, misunderstandings. One person interpreted something differently; the other assumed they understood what they were saying. If you are in a disagreement find out as soon as possible what the misunderstanding is. You'll save yourself some very unhappy moments! History (Past Experiences) Most people apply the philosophy of let the past be my guide. Well this is great unless your past is riddled with mistrust, abuse or any other negative experiences. Remember your partner is someone new; don't compare him or her to a past experience. On A Pedestal If you find yourself thinking you are better (overall) than your partner, you're setting your relationship up for failure. How is it possible to accept any communication from someone you don't have respect for? Aloofness How do you kill a conversation in two seconds or less? Talk to someone too aloof to reciprocate any comments. Aloofness can indicate the person has shut down on some level. If you notice your partner doing this, try asking them more self-opinionated questions such as: how do you want to handle this, or what do you really think about this? Obviously this won't work if you ask them with an obvious attitude attached. Third Party How can you effectively communicate with someone if you have to, in effect, talk to two or possibly more people? This is the case of someone who's been third partied. Not only do you have to allay your partner's fears or concerns, but that of someone else's--usually without even talking to them. The most successful of relationships happen when the couple makes a strong commitment to never let anyone else contribute negativity to the relationship.
How do you know when you've found your soulmate? by Bob Narindra One of the most common questions we get asked at Lovingyou.com is "How do you know if it is really love?" Well, as you can imagine, this also happens to be one of the most difficult questions to answer! Love is such a strange, wonderful thing that nobody really has codified what it is yet. And to further complicate matters, there are so many different kinds of love: the love you feel for a friend, a family member, a sport or even a pet. This is such a crazy emotion that there is absolutely no way that I can definitively answer how you know it is love… but I am going to give it a try! Now, in order to find out if you love someone, the basic place to start would be to ask yourself, do you want to be with them? If the answer to that question is no, then it really can't be love. When you love someone, you want to be with them. Not just be with them, but share everything with them. You have a great day at work and want to rush home and tell them every wonderful thing that has happened. You feel excited at the prospect of just being in their company, just being close to them isn't enough, you want to be a part of them, a part of their life forever. You can't stand the thought of being away from them yet, when you are, you still feel that ever-present bond that ties you together wherever you go. You can almost feel what they are feeling. You feel like, with a little bit of effort, you can see what they are seeing and think what they are thinking. It is almost as if you both can occupy each other's bodies with complete trust and harmony. That to me is love. Now, on the other side of the spectrum, there are a host of emotions that people confuse with love. One of the most common is lust. There is a difference between wanting to sleep with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. Being overly dependent on the other person is also not a part of love. Some people fall into the trap of thinking they love someone just because they are afraid to be alone. They have become dependent on the other person for so much that they don't know how to make it on their own, or they would much rather be with someone than no-one. This leads to the old cliché, in order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. Well, we've all heard that before, but what does it really mean? It means that you have to be confident in your own ability and your own judgement. You really have to like yourself and know what you have to offer another person. There is no way that you can love another person if you are so stuck in your own hang-ups that you bow down and propitiate to the other person. That is, you do anything they ask and agree with everything they say out of fear that they will love you less because you don't do those things. Basically, the question of whether or not you are in love with someone is pretty cut and dry: you either are or you aren't… and deep down, you know the answer. You just have to trust yourself to recognize it.

Long Distance Journal

Buy a journal at a bookstore. Write about 5-10 pages about how much you love him/her. Then send it to her. At the end of your passage, ask her to write something, and then send it back to you. Send it back and forth to each other, and when you're finally together, you can read the journal together to remember the time you were apart. --submitted by anonymous

Romantic Text Messages

by Romance Editors of Lovingyou.com Showing your feelings has never been easier since the advent of the text message. Anytime or anywhere you can instantly shoot off a message across the globe to the one you love, letting them know they are on your mind. Unfortunately, it isn't always easy coming up with witty romantic words of love. So, to help ease your burden, we've come up with a whole host of romantic messages that will set your love's heart atwitter with delight. If you have a great message that isn't included here, let us know and we'll include it in our list! Happy Texting! ~ Let these words not only touch your eyes, let them travel through your soul, and let them rest in your heart as you rest in mine…I love you. ~ You're still the one… ~ Words alone will never be able to express the depth of my love for you. ~ In case you didn't know, I'll be loving you always and forever!! ~ Just when I thought it couldn't get better, you prove me wrong! I love you! ~ Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've done in my life. ~ Hand in hand and heart to heart my love for you shall never part. ~ Even though we are apart, my love you will never part. ~ I'll love the sun for days, the moon for nights, and YOU for forever. ~ Loving you makes my heart explode with happiness. ~ Rains fall, winds blow, the sun shines... it all comes naturally, just like loving you. ~ Simply said... I love you... ~ Being with you is like having every single one of my wishes come true. ~ Loving you has been the best thing to ever happen to me! ~ Just had to let you know... you're the best! I love you! ~ There is no long distance about love; it always finds a way to bring hearts together, no matter how many miles are between them. ~ You are the sun in my day, the wind in my sky, the waves in my ocean, and the beat in my heart. ~ I wish I was there to hold you tight instead of just send this loving, "Good Night." ~ Thank you for being the one who calms all my inner fears. ~ Your love is all I'll ever need.
Being in a long distance relationship is hard, but I've found that if you put the time and effort into it, it can be more than worth it. I live in WI and my man is in WA and both of us are huge movie fans so when we feel like doing something special together (despite the miles between), we'll grab our cell phones and go to a movie. Fandango.com is great because we can coordinate it so we are watching the same movie at the same time (time difference and all) and then call each other right afterwards to talk about it. Sometimes we even go to dinner together afterwards at a restaurant that exists in both our cities. We've since made it a habit, trying to always make our weekly movie date and it's something fun, inexpensive and special to try if you're tired of the same old thing. --submitted by Shelene WOW that is something I never though of...OOOOOOOOOOH TERRYYYYYYYYYYY when we gonna go on a movie date huh huh? :)

Showing the Love

I am currently dating a wonderful guy. However, we don't see each other every day. He's working in the city and I live in Long Island. We are in love, but I feel like I need to do something cute once in a while to keep it alive. I just don't know what to do. What do I send to show him how much I care and how much I'm thinking of him? Soon the long distance thing will be over, but until then how do I show him how much I love him? --Showing the Love Dear Showing the Love, One of the best things about being in a long distance romance is the opportunity for good old-fashioned romance. The use of mail is a wonderful and unexpected way to express your feelings to your partner. Sending your partner a love letter, a group of quotes, a poem or just a funny, romantic card can let them know they are on your mind. Other ways to show your feelings include: Make Custom Love Letter Puzzles You can buy "make you own puzzle" kits at most craft stores. Write a love letter or some type of personal message on the completed puzzle. Then send your partner the puzzle to complete and read the message. You can also decide to send them the puzzle pieces once a week or day to build up the anticipation. Sweet Treats for My Sweet If you know what little sweets your partner likes, send them a few in gift box. In the boxes write out little I love you messages on slips of paper for them to read. Journals for Two Purchase two journals. Send one to your partner with instructions for him to write a few words about his day or thoughts. You will do the same with the other journal. After about a month or so, mail each other your journals and continue your daily writing. Then, switch again.
I'm in love with someone across the country. We've been in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 years, and we've talked about our future together on numerous occasions. The past month however, things have been distant. We seem to argue a lot and today we mentioned letting it go. The problem is that we both love one another, but he questions whether he's still in love with me. I think it's only because of the distance, because whenever we're together, we're ecstatic. I don't know what to do. I don't want this to end, but right now, he's freaking out. What should I do to remind him of our love? My heart is breaking. -Saving Our Long Distance Romance Dear Saving Our Long Distance Romance, No one said long distance relationships were easy. If the distance is what's causing the problem, start focusing on ways to solve it. Can you visit more often? Do you both use web cams or send frequent pictures or videos of each other? When will you be able to actually be together? Just realizing there's an end in sight may be enough to ride out this storm. You've been able to survive three years together. How much longer do you need to go? Maybe what he needs is a little reminder of how special the relationship is. My idea would be to put together a compilation of emails and letters or other correspondence you've both shared over the past years. You can do this in the forum of a scrap book, web page or love journal. If seeing what you've shared over this time can't bring his mind back from his doubts, nothing will.
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