[Atlanta, GA] The United States Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia, declared on Friday that the "obesity epidemic" sweeping our nation is now contagious, due, in large part, to a phenomenon knows as EARS. Their recommendation: immediately quarantine the overweight.
In a press conference on the steps of their Clifton Road headquarters in Atlanta, CDC spokesman, Dr. Jerry Carmichael, revealed their newest findings in the agency's war against corpulence.
"Obesity, and to a lesser extent, morbid obesity, can no longer be defined as a personal problem." Carmichael says, "We now know that these diseases are not only spread, but exacerbated by human contact. This poses a significant threat to the health of the people of the United States, and falls within our purview. We are bound by a presumptive duty to take this out of the hands of the individual.
"E.A.R.S., or Externally Affected Rationalization Syndrome, is the process by which one person who may, in fact, be borderline overweight, looks at another who is grossly overweight, and decides that "I'm not all that fat," and makes the decision to have that second donut or the extra cheese on those nachos." said the doctor. "This mentality spreads like wildfire. Our natural tendency to overindulge when combined with EARS has created a healthcare crisis in this nation of unimaginable size.
"In the end, there really is only one answer. We can try to fight the fast food restaurants, the junk food manufacturers, and the all of the bakers and confectioners in the world, and it still isn't as effective against obesity as it is be to remove your opportunity to see someone fatter than you."
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security and several amiable U.S. Senators as yet unnamed, are crafting legislation that would quarantine anyone exceeding the National Average Height to Weight paradigm used by the CDC to determine ideal human body index ratio. Tent camps would be set up in major metropolitan areas, staffed by personal trainers, nutritionists, and motivational speakers.
One source, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed that original plans included contracting Dr. Phil McGraw to consult and speak, but given that none of the residents of these camps would actually have committed a crime, legal advisers pointed out that this might seem like unwarranted punishment.
Citizen groups are outraged, and call into question the science behind the Center's findings. They also point out that these plans offer no criteria for release from confinement, and since no arrest has been made, no right to legal representation, either.
"Why don't they just put the fashion industry in charge of it, or the media. They're the ones who don't want heavy people walking around in public." Said Trent Dansen 46, of Atlanta , "That's what this is all about, you know. The beautiful people don't want to look at the chubbies anymore, so they're turning their attack dogs loose. Well, I for one, am going to fight it."
Carmichael responds, "I bet it was a fat guy who said that."
