You're with your significant other, in bed, and doing what you usually do in bed when you're not sleeping. But, there's something wrong. You thrust (yawn). You grab (sigh). You lick (boooooring!) What's going on? Is the same old sex in the same old bed putting you into a coma?
There IS a solution! You don’t have to suffer dull intimate relations. One of the easiest ways to spice up the physical side of your romance is to switch locations.
Sex, like a novel, consists of characters, plot, and location. If you're not switching partners, or improving your technique, you're left with changing the locale. But don't be intimidated! You can start slow.
There are an infinite number of positions one can try in any given location. It's up to each couple to decide what's best for themselves. Each couple is like a snowflake, no two are physically the same.
baby steps
The first step is easiest. Next time you're caught in another boring lovemaking session, push your partner onto the floor when they least expect it. The surprise alone might keep your relationship cemented for a few months. Now, before the love of your life is able to protest, pounce!
You see how easy that was? Now we're making love on the floor. (If you're too excited to continue reading, take a breather and come back later. It only gets more intense from here on out.)
We should step back a bit. If your bedroom has wall to wall carpeting, you should be extra cautious of rug-burn. One way to avoid the dreaded sex-crazed rug-rub is to take precautions. The problem, if you're not aware, is that during especially intense lovemaking sessions it's possible to rub yourself raw against a rough environment. The danger is much reduced if love is made in the bed, but when love is practiced in the wild, skin can disappear quickly.
If your bedroom floor is bare wood, you must be careful of impact injuries. A single mistimed thrust could turn your sex from exciting to painful.
Some practitioners of intense, extra-bed sex prefer to remain relatively clothed in order to protect delicate flesh. And, most importantly, if you want to become an expert practitioner of extra-bed sex, you will need to learn how to complete the act fully clothed. For the advanced locations, nudity becomes almost impossible.
But if you're still on the floor of your bedroom and you haven't decided to return to the safety of your bed, and you haven't scraped substantial quantities of skin off your body, and you haven't stubbed a pendulous organ, then you're ready for step two.
The easiest room to migrate to after the bedroom is the living room. This is because lovemaking on a couch is similar to lovemaking on a bed. You can perform many of the same positions. For especially inept beginners, moving from the bed to the couch is not too challenging.
Before moving on from the couch, it would serve you and your lover well to learn how to make love while one of you is sitting up. Advanced locations will necessitate such intricate positions. If you have an easy chair, that is a natural progression. Your horizontal freedom will be limited thus pushing your unorthodox locational-sex-skills to new heights.
The next step is the kitchen. Some would go straight for the bathroom at this stage, but that is a mistake. Although it looks like a logical progression, sex in the shower is tougher than most realize. In fact, that is best saved as the final location before leaving your home. Think of it as graduation. First, you must learn to make love against the refrigerator, the oven, and the sink. The sink is, of course, most difficult in this room of unusual sexual positions.
There are many sink-sex positions to choose from. What you employ depends upon the dimensions of the sink and the couple. Obviously, there are things one can and can't do. Make sure not to slip or bang against the faucet. Accidents can happen.
Once the kitchen sink is mastered, it's a simple matter of moving to the bathroom sink. Oftentimes the bathroom sink is much lower in comparison. The height difference will allow for different positions. Sometimes it's fun to turn on the sink and get a little wet (see Fatal Attraction).
Next, some couples move to making love on top of the toilet. For some, however, a lack of housekeeping skills will make the toilet an extremely unattractive arena for lovemaking. I suggest it be skipped in such circumstances.
If you are intent on making love on the toilet, the sitting positions first learned in the living room may come in handy. If you are extremely ambitious, one partner might actually be able to use the toilet for its intended purpose during the intimate act. There is a high-level of difficulty for this maneuver.
Once inside the shower you will feel a sense of accomplishment. You will have almost learned every skill you'll need to tackle sexual situations in the wider world. But don't neglect the final step. Due to the level of difficulty, most couples will only fondle, soap, and wash each other in the shower. Sex in the shower involves standing and a wet floor. Be very careful. Some couples will retire to the shower floor in order to complete their training. In a smaller shower, leaning against walls can facilitate penetrations of all sorts. Just don't slip!
If you've mastered the fine art of intercourse in every room of the house, in every position, and on every appliance, you are ready to move on. You may want to have a little graduation ceremony. Or not.
Step two, the great outdoors
The most popular place to make love in the great outdoors has always been the car. Many of you may have already perfected automotive intercourse while still in high school. For those of us who were unfortunate victims of chess club and marching band, these skills will have to be acquired.
First know that many of the skills from the couch transfer to the car. There are many similarities.
Most prefer the backseat to the front. If there's an extraordinary amount of room in your car — allowing both of you to lie down as if in a bed — you're cheating. Sex in a car is supposed to be cramped and difficult. Some high school kids try and fail—fail—to complete intercourse at all! And if you know how earnest the typical high-schooler is when it comes to sex, you know how difficult this locale can be.
Choice of car is obviously important. Depending on the relative sizes of you and your partner, some vehicles may be too small. The idea is to find a car just big enough, but not too big. SUVs are cheating!
Parking the car is actually the most difficult initial hurdle. You want to find a spot that's private, but not too private. One of the reasons car sex is so exciting is that you're in public and someone might see. You could drive out into the middle of nowhere with only the trees as witness, but then what's the fun? No, much better to find a spot like a turnout, or a park, where cars are going by. At night (warning, day sex in the car is for top-level black belts only!) no one can really see what's going on while driving by. Be warned, however, watch for police! Exposing yourself in public is illegal almost everywhere. Again, remember lessons about preventing sex-crazed rug-rub: keeping the clothes on is a good idea.
The car is also a good learning tool. You can drive around town looking for secluded spots. You might even become bold enough to get out of the car and do the nasty in a park, in the woods, or maybe even in a cemetery.
Cemeteries aren't for everyone, but they can be exciting. There's nothing like hiding behind some tombstones and making love on a burial plot. For extra credit, try during daytime.
For the exhibitionist, try sex in the car at a car wash. When you come out, don't be surprised if the towel guys are applauding.
One important thing you need to learn from car sex is how to quit and pack up if any people come near. It's an important skill you'll need to move on to advanced locations.
Step three: Advanced Locations
If you've just about worn out your backseat, and your car is starting to get a little funky, you might be ready to try some more advanced locations. These locations aren't for everyone. For some, the excitement will be too much, possibly leading to heart attack (please check with your doctor before making love in these on any other locations). But, if you're up to it, and you feel the need for even more excitement, get ready for the Advanced Locations.
The next place to move after your backseat is most likely the public restroom. Some might be a little squeamish, but you don't have to find the filthiest john in town. How about this: You and your partner go to a fancy restaurant and, halfway through dinner, have a quickie in the old can. Nice eateries will usually have clean, nice-smelling toilets. Most couples prefer standing up, but with enough knowledge in the sexual arts, some sex can be had on the commode itself. But such positions are not for novices.
If you're both in the bathroom, the restaurant is likely to think you jumped out on your bill. It might be better, if you're intent on kinky toilet-sex, to duck into a big hotel while out. Most hotels have beautiful accommodations in their lobby restrooms. Just don't get caught! It's generally safer for women to enter men's rooms. You should secure your stall when the restroom is empty, but once in the act, an occupied next-door stall is half the fun. Whether you want your neighbor to catch on or not is up to you.
Some other places you might find around town are museums and libraries. These places can be fairly desolate, especially if you live in a place where everyone's at the shooting range on a Sunday.
Sunday? Try your local church! This location is always a favorite with the local clergy. Some churches have cemeteries too!
The beach provides many opportunities for naughty outdoor sex. Many couples know well the joy of making love under a blanket, in full view of hundreds of people. A little odd, especially if children are present, but very exciting. And hey, no one knows what's really going on under there, right?
For a little more privacy, try wading into the ocean. The deeper you go, the more concealed your naughty behavior. Make sure not to lose you swimwear!
Rooftops can be fun: a view of the city and hardly anyone around. Just don't get too close to the edge! If you have a balcony, that's a good place to practice before moving to the advanced location.
If you really want to try something dirty, make love in an alley. To study up, see 9 1/2 Weeks. People pretty much expect to discover a couple having sex when they enter an alley. It's no big deal. But, you still don't want too many people around. Chances of getting caught are high in an alley. Make sure you're an expert at packing up quickly before trying this extreme location.
Nightclubs expect people to try something. So they're watching you. If you've mastered bathroom sex, you could try it here. Nightclub bathrooms are usually filled with people, but depending on the crowd, people might not care that you're having a little fun in front of them. A club is also an excellent place to make out in front of other people if you're a bit of an exhibitionist. If you pick the right kind of club, you might actually be able to complete the act without anyone much caring. But this is, of course, for experts only.
Some couples will make love in a hot tub while not alone—even though they're not swingers! Again, another class-move for exhibitionists. You have to be comfortable with your tub mates, but it can be fun. Some would rather go it alone. And, like the beach, no one knows what's really going on under the bubbles.
If you somehow have access to a sauna, that can be a wonderful location. You have to be alone (unless you're a professional exhibitionist).
Many a teenager has tried movie-theater sex. It seems easy on the surface, but you have to be fairly alone. It's not easy finding a movie no one wants to see. When you go to the theater, you could ask the cashier what the least popular flick is before buying your ticket.
A difficult location is the elevator. It's practically impossible unless the place is deserted or you press the emergency stop button. But, a diligent couple can get some good fondling in.
Don't forget to have sex on some stranger's bed at a house party. There's nothing like the feeling of desecrating some anonymous person's sheets. But why the bed? By now you should be at a higher level and could try something as difficult as a closet. Or the bathroom (make sure there's not a line out the door).
Some Final Words...
You should have no trouble in these locations if you've trained well. Remember, always be prepared to put things away and vacate the location on a moment's notice. It's good to have a Plan B. It's also good to travel light. Underwear can slow you down. Like in the most competitive sporting competitions, fractions of seconds count. The second it takes you to finesse you way out of your underwear may have been the extra second you could have spent with your hands in your partner's parts before that old lady walked by.
Sometimes, especially in a vulnerable place, you'll be too scared of getting caught to enjoy yourself fully. Learn to embrace that fear —that's what makes public sex fun. Then again, maybe public sex isn't for you. You could play it safe in locations that have a lock on the door, like bathrooms and cars. Or maybe the floor is enough excitement for you. For most, moving into the shower will probably be as kinky as things get — so don't be intimidated. You're not trying to please anyone but your partner and your inner rock star.
If you've done nasty things in all these locations and you're still bored, maybe you need to start jumping over cars on a motorcycle. Try using a flaming ring and wearing a cape. And then try making love on the motorcycle at the same time.
