I can no longer stand to breath. I hate the fact that I exist. For a while now, I've laid off blogging and tried to keep a more positive outlook on my future, and the events emcompassed in it. However, it just seems to me, that no matter how much investment I place in myself, no matter how I try to make things better for myself and the ones that I care about that I cannot get from out under lackluster weekend style friends, and associates who would just as soon strip mine me for every valued piece of Phreze they can take, without having to do the laundry that comes with such an undertaking. Fine. Fuck it. The world wins. I refuse to exist here anymore. I refuse to allow myself to continue to think that I am more than I am. I hold my finger up for the world to see, and I am not taking it down for anyone. It is my last great act of defiance.
Between friends trying to convince me that they are still friends, other friends who just have nothing to do with me in general, all the friends that claim that "I" am the one that abandoned them, the ones that steal from me, the wife who cheats on me, and expects me not to notice, the school work constantly suffering because I can no longer concentrate, the children who are out of control and let's not forget our illustrious legal system, for without them, there would be no grotesque miscarraiges of justice to talk about, I am just fucking done. I can't take this shit anymore. Everyday that I awaken, I find myself wanting to curse my maker for allowing me to wake another day. My food doesn't taste the same when I eat, my days are a little darker than everyone elses. Even my cigarettes have taken on the acrid taste of life-loathing. There is nothing that I experience in life anymore that brings me joy. Even my children, who should bring me happiness whenever I think of them simply reminds me of how much they have and would suffer with me as their father. I'm not normal. I'm not right. I'm not even a person anymore. And for the first time, I am finally willing to accept that. So, to recap tonights final scores it's Existence - 1, Phreze - 0. There will be no rematches.
