CoLa's blog: "LMAO"

You are a Coloradoan if:

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.

2. You know what the " Peoples Republic of Boulder " means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.

6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU Victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of 20 beers and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a ' Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a "fourteener" is.

24. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Republican in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. You know who Alfred Packer was and what he did.

28. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was.

29. SPF 90 is not out of the question.

30. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

31. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

32. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

33. A full moon has never kept you awake at night.

34. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

35. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.

36. You think a red light means three more cars can go. 3

7. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

38. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.

39. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.

40. You know where the real " South Park " is.

41. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on Sight.

42. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.

43. You've 'checked for ticks'.

44. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

45. You've gone snow skiing in July and.....

46. You've played golf in January and.....

47. They were in the same year!

48. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans

49. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is 50.

And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.

Recently developed Barbies for Colorado market...

1)The Castle Rock Barbie-This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom,she comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags,a Lexus SUV,a long haired dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house.Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with augmented version...

2)Denver Barbie-The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit.She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation.Traffic jamming cell phone sold seperately.

3)Downtown Metro Barbie-This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9MM handgun,a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows,and a meth lab kit.This model is only available after dark,and must be paid for in cash(preferably in small unmarked bills)..unless you're a cop,then we don't know what you're talking about.

4)Pine Creek/Cherry Creek Barbie-This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.Included are her own Starbucks cup,credit card,and country club membership.Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private school Skipper.You will not be able to afford any of them.

5)Limon Barbie-This pale model comes dressed in her Wranglers 2 sizes too small,a Nascar t-shirt,and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder.She has a six pack of beer,and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set.She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet haired Ken's butt when she's drunk.Purchase her pick up truck seperately.

6)Pueblo Barbie-This tobacco-chewing brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high heeled sandals with one broken heel from when she chased drunken Ken outta Peyton Barbie's house.Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans,fake fingernails,and a see through halter top.Also available with mobile home.

7)Boulder Barbie-This doll is made of actual tofu.Has long,straight brown hair,archless feet,hairy armpits,no makeup,and wears Birkenstocks with white socks.She prefers to be called Willow.She does not want nor need a Ken doll.

8)Widefield Barbie-This Barbie comes with stroller and infant doll.Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass.Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available but have been difficult to locate since the addition of the infant.

9)Trinidad Barbie/Ken-This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken and back again with simply adding or subtracting multiple snap on parts.

 Original List

 1.Handsome

2.Charming

3.Financially successful

4.A caring listener

5.Witty

6.In good shape

7.Dresses with style

8.Appreciates finer things

9.Full of thoughtful surprises

10.An imaginative, romantic lover  

Revised List (age 32)

1.Nice looking

2.Opens car doors, holds chairs

3.Has enough money for a nice dinner

4.Listens more than talks

5.Laughs at my jokes

6.Carries bags of groceries with ease

7.Owns at least one tie

8.Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9.Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10.Seeks romance at least once a week  

 

Revised List (age 42)

1.Not too ugly

2.Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3.Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4.Nods head when I'm talking

5.Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6.Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7.Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8.Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9.Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10.Shaves most weekends  

Revised List (age 52)

1.Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2.Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3.Doesn't borrow money too often

4.Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5.Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6.Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7.Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8.Appreciates a good TV dinner

9.Remembers your name on occasion

10.Shaves some weekends  

Revised List (age 62)

1.Doesn't scare small children

2.Remembers where bathroom is

3.Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4.Only snores lightly when asleep

5.Remembers why he's laughing

6.Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7.Usually wears some clothes

8.Likes soft foods

9.Remembers where he left his teeth

10.Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72)

1.Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

 The Ten Commandments - but they are double-spaced and written in a large font, so they look like ten.

* The loaves and fishes would be replaced by pizza and chips. 

* The Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

* Paul's letters to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to the Romans.

* Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

* The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather finals.

* Tower of Babel blamed for foreign language requirement.

* Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a freshman.

* Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at the University of Phoenix. The English professor gave his class this exercise: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the 'tandem story'. The process is simple: Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students; Rebecca and Gary. ---------------------------------------------- The Story, first paragraph by Rebecca: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ---------------------------------------------- Second paragraph by Gary: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17" he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ---------------------------------------------- Rebecca: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ---------------------------------------------- Gary: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ---------------------------------------------- Rebecca: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ---------------------------------------------- Gary: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels. ---------------------------------------------- Rebecca: Asshole. ---------------------------------------------- Gary: Bitch. ---------------------------------------------- Rebecca: DICK! ---------------------------------------------- Gary: Slut. ---------------------------------------------- Rebecca: Get ed. ---------------------------------------------- Gary: Eat shit. ---------------------------------------------- Rebecca: FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ---------------------------------------------- Gary: Go drink some tea - whore. ********************************************** Professor: A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.

One evening, while thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take an inch or 2 off of your butt!"! My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer, "What is this?" I said to myself as a little dust cloud appeared when I shook them out. "Connie", I hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied..... It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Colorado Market: Arvada Barbie She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is cause he's always hunting. Highlands Ranch Barbie This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Englewood Barbie This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Colfax Barbie This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Cherry Creek Barbie This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. Commerce City Barbie This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchuse her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker bsolutely free. Aspen Barbie This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available. Thornton Barbie This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Commerce City Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player. Boulder Barbie This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. Ft. Collins Barbie She's basically Boulder Barbie, but with all the accessories of Highlands Ranch Barbie, plus a kayak and mountain bike. As for Ft. Collins Ken, I would expect his accessories to include a teeny tiny little Ph.D. diploma in entomology, which enables him to double as a professional fly-fishing-consultant action figure ($1200 graphite fly rod and miniature accessories licensed from Orvis sold separately) [Thanks to Scott Crawford] Aurora Barbie This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Greeley Barbie This Spanish Speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken. Four Corners Barbie This Barbie is the only Native American Barbie, She sits in a booth and sells Native American Art for large sums of money to tourists. Rifle Barbie This Barbie comes with various bruises and several restraining orders. Front teeth missing, but optional denture is available as well as broken down barrel horse and shot glass collection. Glenwood Springs Barbie This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.