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jimmy's blog: "Lmao"

created on 10/12/2006  |  http://fubar.com/lmao/b13188

g/f or wife appcation

tell me.... BASICS: Name: Age: Location: Height: Hair (color and style): Eyes: OTHER: Are u a virgin? 1. Where would we go on dates? 2. Who is your favorite rapper? 3. Do you drink/smoke? 4. Do you like the rain? 5. If so...would you play in it with me? 6. Would you give me a lap dance? 7. Would you like for me to give you a lap dance? 8. Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together? 9. Would you kiss my neck? 10. Do you play any sports? 11. If so...what? 12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother? 13. How would you rate your kisses from 1-10? 14. Favorite body part on you? 15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? 16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, prick, slut etc)? 17. Would you give me a kiss just because? 18. Would u sleep in the same bed wit me? 19. Would u take me home to meet your parents? 20. Would u have sex with me? 21. If so, whats the soonest into our relationship you'd have it? 22. Would you tell your friends we had sex? 23. Would u let me touch u wherever? 24. How smart are you? 25. Do u have a specific body type that u lyk? 26. If so wut is it? (fat, skiny, chubby, athletic,etc)? 27.What would u do if i cried? 28.If i were 2 ask u out what would u say? 29.Would u makeout with me? 30.If we got to the point in the relationship where I told you I loved you, what would you say? 31.Would u ever cheat on me? 32.Would u ever trust me? 33.Do u consider yourself to be, cute, fine, ugly, average,ect.?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are >> > things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down >> and now >> > published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm >> while >> > these exchanges were actually taking place. >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? >> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. >> > ________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? >> > WITNESS: July 18th. >> > ATTORNEY: What year? >> > WITNESS: Every year. >> > _____________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? >> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: This my asthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? >> > WITNESS: Yes. >> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? >> > WITNESS: I forget. >> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you >> > forgot? >> > _____________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? >> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. >> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? >> > WITNESS: Forty-five years. >> > _____________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that >> > morning? >> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" >> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? >> > WITNESS: My name is Susan. >> > >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in >> voodoo? >> > WITNESS: We both do. >> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo? >> > WITNESS: We do. >> > ATTORNEY: You do? >> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. >> > >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his >> > sleep, >> > he doesn't know about it until the next morning? >> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? >> > >> > >> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? >> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. >> > >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? >> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? >> > WITNESS: Yes. >> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? >> > WITNESS: Uh.... >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? >> > WITNESS: Yes. >> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? >> > WITNESS: None. >> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? >> > WITNESS: By death. >> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? >> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. >> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a >> deposition >> > notice which I sent to your attorney? >> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed >> on dead >> > people? >> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go >> > to? >> > WITNESS: Oral. >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? >> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. >> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an >> > autopsy on him! >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? >> > WITNESS: Huh? >> > ______________________________________ >> > >> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check >> for a >> > pulse? >> > WITNESS: No. >> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? >> > WITNESS: No. >> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? >> > WITNESS: No. >> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you >> > began the autopsy? >> > WITNESS: No. >> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? >> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. >> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? >> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and >> > practicing law

Hotel room

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Good Evening" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic Sir, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Subject: FW: Life Explained On the first day God created the dog. God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." ****************************************************** So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

Dear Alcohol, hell yeah

Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? (ok... not so much exes... more like good friends that wake up just to talk to me when I drive home!) 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. ( or SAUSAGE!!... yes, I really mean the food sausage!) 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover mobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Fbi job opening .....lol

FBI Job Opening For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!
Read This...It has gotta to be one of the saddest things I have read :'( (take time & actually read this) 8th grade stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didnt notice me like that, I knew it. After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to know that I don`t wanna Be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and I don`t know why... 11th Grade The phone rang. on the other end it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. after 2 hours, a drew barrymore movie, & 3 bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to kno that I don`t wanna be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and idk wHy Senior Year The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is Sick" she said; he`s not qonna go. well I didnt have a dAte and in 7th qrade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom niqht After everything was over I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her, She smiled at me I want her to be mine, but she doesn`t think of me like that and I kno it. then she said "I Had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to kno that I don`t want to be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and I don`t kNow why Graduation Day a day passed, then a week, then a month. before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an anqel up on staqe to qet her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didnt notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, you`re my best friend, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the Cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to know that I don`t wanna be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and I don`t know why A Few Years Later now I sit in the pews of the church. that girl is gettinq married now. I watched her say "i do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that and I knew it. But before she Drove away, she came to me n said you came!" She said. "thanks!" and kissed me on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to know that i dont wanna be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and i don`t know why }]| Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a qirl who used to be my "best friend". at the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her hiqh school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn`t notice me like that, and I know it. i wanna tell him, i want him to kno that I don`t wanna be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don`t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me...I wish I did too. I thought to myself, and I cried

Only if they knew

only if they knew Boy and a girl, the best of friends. From elementary to high school from beginning to end. Through all those years their friendship grew. They both felt the same, but neither knew. Each waking moment since the day they met. They both loved each other sunrise to sunset. He was all she had in her terrible life. He was the one who kept her from her knife. She was his angel, she made him smile. Though life threw him curves, she made it all worth while. Then one day things went terribly wrong. The next few weeks were like a very sad song. He made her jealous on purpose he tried. When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied. He played with jealousy like it was a game. Little did he know Things would never be the same. His plan was working but he had no clue. How wrong things would go, the damage he would do. One night she broke down, feeling very alone. Just her and the blade, no one else home. She dialed his number, he answered, "Hello" She told him she loved him and hung up the phone. He raced to her house just a minute too late. Found her lying in blood, her heart had no rate. Beside her was a note, in it her confession. Her love for this boy, her only obsession. As he read the note, he knelt down and cried. Grabbed her knife, that night they both died. She was found in his arms, both of them dead. Under her note his handwriting said: "I loved her so, she never knew. All this time I loved her too."

This is sad!!!!!!

Jill and James have been going out since 7th grade, now they are in 11th grade. Jill has been thinking of breaking up with him. One Friday afternoon, on their 5th anniversary, Jill and James where talking over the phone: (Phone ringing at Jill's house) Jill: Hello James: Hey Baby Girl, how is it going? Jill: Alright, u? James: Pretty good, so are u still up for the movie? Jill: Im sorry i can't go, i promised my little sister that i would take her out to eat today. James: That sucks Jill: Im really truly sorry James: Its all right, so can u got tomorrow then? Jill: I cant, sorry, i have to go with Alyssa and her boyfriend to the mall. James: U know, it seems like u have been avoiding me this past few days. First u cant go out to dinner with me because u have a paper due, then u cant come over because u are to tired, and today during passing periods u totally ignored me. I had something i wanted to give to u. Jill: Im sorry, im not trying to avoid you James: U know what, I'll just talk to you later, im going out for a drive. Love you! Jill: Im Sorry James: Oh by the way, i bet u dont even know what today is.(hangs up the phone) Couple of hours later Jill came back home and found a gift along with a card for her on the kitchen table. She opens the gift and finds a beutiful necklace, then she opens the card and reads: "Happy 5th anniversary, I love You! P.S: I'm sorry for the way i acted over the phone." Jill takes up her gift and the card up to her room and goes to sleep. ***1 am in the morning***: (phone rings at Jills house) Jill: Hello James brother: Hey Jill my brother got in a car accident and is in the hospital. Apparently he was going over to your house because he wanted to give u a little note he wrote for u Jill: OMG!!! please could you pick me up and take me there? James brother: Ya, ill be over in a 10 minutes. ***10 minutes later*** James brother picks her up and takes her to the hospital. When they get there she goes straight to James room where the doctors are putting a blanket over his face. His parents are crying. His mom walks up to Jill and hands her a note. Mom: Here i think this is for u Jill opens the letter and reads: "I love you" I love your smile I love your kisses I love your sensibility I love your hair I love your touch I love your smell I love your warm hugs I love your everything about you I love you Never forget that p.s: with out you I would DIE!" (Jill then starts crying and collapses on top of his body.) Jill: (crying and in a whisper) I'm sorry, I love u, please come back.

paster and an nuns ass

paster and an nuns ass A Pastor wanted to raise money for his Church, and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he Might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS! The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT! The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS! This was to much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN! The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $ 10.00! This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE! The bishop was buried the next day.
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