ever since i was young being the oldest and only girl put in a position of certain powers and responsiblies that i really did not want or need i wanted my freedom and do whatever i pleased but that never came everytime i tried to walk outside the box something or someone pulled me back in as if this powerful magnet wouldn't let me stray too far. i grew up in a family where my mother who took care of 4 children a husband who cheated and drank a widowed grandmother who had moments of dementia and clarity and it was too much for my family to take sometimes so they put her in a nursing home my mom could not handle the children let alone and aging mother so as i got older i had to keep an eye on grandma when she was home and 3younger brothers as gram got worse more and more gram stayed in the nursing homes shuffled from one to another and with a 5 th child in a already strained marriage didn't help i was old enough to help in caring for him to my parents he was just another kid by then i understood also my parents marriage was one sided and my mother not smart enough to realize this or other matters all she cared about was my father lied about her never having to work and that he never loved her he finally told my mom that the day they buried my grandmother by than it was too late and my other gram was getting ill and again i had to split my time caring for my brothers and the house school was just a place to spend away from the chaos i began to shut down i spent less time with friends and more being a care giver outside my family i didn't have anyone to talk too so i went into therapy i had no peers any more no outside freedoms i took my baby brother everywhere mom worked dad screwed around than he finally gets a job in my senior year as a custodian i split my time now careing for my other grandmother who was dying not only that my father had his first heart attack so i gave up plans of ever going to college after graduation so i work care for my family til i finally start going out at 20 very innocent, trusting, shy and very needy of affection i grew up so isolated in a grown-up world i didn't know about men sex or love no one showed me told me the difference so i became so wild and sought situations i had no control over and was used over and over til i shut down again closed my world again my dad hated my mother my family fell apart my brother was killed and the question was it suicide? my father would verbally beat down all my brothers and all but my youngest brother had drug and or alcohol problems. by than i reconized this also in my self with me it was sex to numb the inner loneliness and pain. Shuting down was a protection from the depression and the fact that i felt trapped being unable to exscape my family every time i try to they pulled me back maybe i needed them but i wanted out by time my 2nd brother commited suicide that i had enough i left i lived on my own but i would still run home because my father could no longer care for himself and my mother could no longer handle him he would drink not eat for days pass out and resent my my mother even though i hated my father i felt i still had a duty to help my family but i also wanted a life of my own i was in love with someone who didn't love me i would always check again and again but i knew it wasn't real but all my attempts at finding real love failed someone would try but it was always one way they would become obsessed i'd run away or i would start to love someone and they didn't love me therapy became a way of life but not a answer to my many problems dealing and going forward i would start something only to end it because my mother or a family member believed it was a waste of time my strenght though this was my best friend she taught me so much about my self i never knew exsisted but she had her own demons to deal with and walked away because i couldn't handle what was happening to me when my dad died i made the biggest mistake of my life i moved back home i had a choice i made the wrong one i could have left completely but again my mother needed my help and the fool i was gave everything i had back to her. I lost myself again i quit school a second time i gave up i lost myself and got pregnant this time i kept it believing i would never really have a life outside my family r ever be in love again or anyone loving me i devoted my life to my baby i got fat felt ugly and than one day met and married a man i never loved but thought would give me a new life but after i married my mother became strange in behavior and very sick in health i too started to get very ill i got fatter and sicker too my mind was going i worked hard to be a good wife mother daughter i worked in a place i hated more and more but i gave my all to everything till one by one things fell to pieces my marriage was a lie i was used and my mother blamed me and when i left my husband i was the one who didn't try hard enough. i tryed to please her and help her little by little i getting more and more depressed my job ended i tried a third time to go back to school it was going so well i began to see some light i was in a affair which brought me back to life made me feel beautiful sexy and smart but it was getting worse at home my mom began to verbally abuse me and my daughter to the point of i feared my daughters mental health but no matter what i did to please my mother the more hateful she became i did not realize how sick her mind was all i knew i did the best i could and could take no more by than i had nothing going as far a a real job i was more concerned about finishing school and my child i was at a point of killing my mother i couldn't handle it i put myself in the hospital to keep me from killing her i left that day and went into a homeless shelter to save my life and the next 6 months was hard i reconnected with the love of my life hoping for it to work out it didn't i had to quit school i gave up everything to start again i did for 2 years still not working but i went back because again my family needs me but now this time i know what is wrong my mother has dementia and she has no choice but to accept my help but i feel like i will never get off this merrygoround till it is my turn to lose my mind become unable to care for myself.
I am so afraid i will have this awful disease if i don't make changes in my life. i don't want to be alone. i want to love and be loved.I have read some of the causes of dementia and my chances are good but I also am making healthy choices not to get it i write i keep my mind active and my body sound but is it enough i try not to let my depression take my life over and i am kind to everyone even to the people who have hurt me i believe and hope that all that is happening a test to better life around the corner.
you may ask why did i write this? its because i need to exerise the demons and release them to the either so they can't hurt me anymore and sometimes its just to get it out of the way so i can go on. i know there are horrible things worse than what i gone though but this is my little horror and a fear my child will have to care for me when or if happens to me i hope and pray it won't but if it does she knows more about it and can cope better than i am it hurts me deeply that this never ends for me iknow running away and dreaming doesn't change things but i know i am trying to look for solutions to my problems and the current issues that are concerning is am i doomed to become my mother or am i going to be free one day to have a life of my own will i be loved and am i able to find love happiness be able to find success and a real purpose to a life so stunted by failure and loss
