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Weregarou's blog: "Random Thoughts"

created on 12/31/2008  |  http://fubar.com/random-thoughts/b268798

Living for the "Now"

Over the past year I've had plenty of time to do some soul searching and introspection. I evaluated and re-evaluated my life and the decisions that led me to where I am today. I found that there are dreams that I haven't realized, but a majority I have. I found myself lamenting the things that I didn't have or that I lost along the way. I mourned them as I would mourn the loss of a realative. It hurt to think that I failed to attain my goals, especially when I compared myself to those around me, from the rich and famous to the homeless man down the street. Slowly, I began to realize something. It's a simple thing, really, but it's one that escaped my notice for a very long time. It may have escaped other's as well, which is why I'm writing about it. I realized that true happiness comes from the "now", not the "then". While this may seem such an obvious statement, can anyone say that they truely appreciate what's happening at this moment in time? What is the "then"? Well, the "then" is either the past or the future. It's either things that have happened or yet to happen. I found myself in an isidious trap, looking to the past to know where I came from, and looking to the future planning where I wanted to be. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. It's something we all should be doing to some extent. We have to know where we've been to help know ourselves. We have to know where we're going, else we drift aimlessly through life. The trouble is, we can get so wrapped up in these things that we forget all about the "now". What do I mean the "now"? It's very simple and yet the hardest thing that I've had to accept. The "now" is quite literally this very moment. Not the time that it took to read the last word I just wrote, but the time it takes to read this very word. I hope this is making sense. I've realized that the "now" is virtually an instintaneous flash of time. It's so breif that it barely registers. So quick that by the time I even think of it, it's already slipped into the past. Now, here's the trick. To truely live in the now, it means one can't think of the now, instead focus on what's going on around oneself, both in the world, and within. It's a tricky concept, but with work (and I'm still working on it), it can be done. I realized that this is so important to being human and actually LIVING rather than existing, that it's something I'm dedicating my life to. I want to explain how I came to this realization. Let me start by saying my life hasn't been the easiest. I grew up hard and experienced some of the worst that humanity has to offer. I won't go into detail here as that's not the point of my message that I'm writing, however, it is my foundation. Growing up for me was a constant struggle for emotional survival. I very rarely had the opportunity to just be a child, instead I always had to be on my toes and think about how I was going to avoid beatings and other forms of abuse. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I didn't. This survival mentality stuck with me through my time in the military and didn't finally start fading until my mid-twenties. After that, I still didn't feel like I could relax and enjoy life. I was an adult now, and had to behave like one. I fell into the trap of being on the quest to be successful and find a wife. Again, all my thoughts and energy was spent on that, with none for my own happiness. I can remember times laying awake at night, praying, no pleading with God not to let me end up homeless and alone. Unfortunately, I was so desperate to find these things, that I made poor choices. I found dead end jobs and dead end women. In affect, I found other ways to oppress myself, and while in these situations my energies would refocus and desperately try to make them better, believing they were bad because of things I was or wasn't doing right. I blamed myself when things went bad, and praised others for when they were good. So my battles raged. Then came the most devasting thing I had ever lived through. I had always thought that I was unbreakable. That I could live through anything and be stronger for it. Well, fortunately and unfortunately, I ran into something that did break me. It happened when my son's mother left me. Honestly, and this may sound terrible, but I didn't really care that she left me, but what I did care about was that she took my son (and now forbids me to see him and I can't fight it because I don't have the money to take her to court). Because of my past, living in foster families and being adopted, I couldn't deal with it. I attempted suicide, and damn near succeeded. It was a miracle that my attempt was discovered, and I don't say that lightly. I was staying with my biological parents and the first night I took 52 muscle relaxers (it was a brand new perscription that I had gotten two or three days before). I had put the pill bottle in my pocket and set myself up under a blanket in the living room with the tv on to appear that I had just dozed off. My biological parents had gone somewhere that morning, before the pills had gone to work, and I watched them go without saying a word, knowing that it would be the last time I saw them. Well, somehow, the pill bottle fell out of my pocket after I had passed out. To this day, I can't figure out how it happened, but it did. A friend called just as my biological parents were walking in the front door. They were able to wake me up a little, but I couldn't hold the phone, let alone talk. That's when the pill bottle was discovered. So, a long story short, I was taken to the hospital and after a couple of years, diagnosed as bipolar. Bipolar. Now I had a name to put to the anguish I had always felt. It explained why I could be as depressed as I was for as long as I was. It explained why I would have great days, where I was extremely hyper, and it explained why I could never just stop thinking and enjoy what was going on around me. It also explained some of the decisions that I made that seemed to cause my plans to blow up in my face. Now I'm stable, haven't had an episode of extreme hyperness or depression for just over a year now. This brings me to now. The past year, as I mentioned, was a year of reflection. I've evaluated where I've come from, and where I intend to go from here, but all this introspection led me to realize that all my life I haven't ever stopped and looked around at what was going on right here and now. I am thankful for so many things now, that just thinking about them is overwhelming. I'm thankful that I have a son, and I know that I will get to see him again. I'm thankful to be alive. I have found myself stopping to admire a rose blooming on a bush. I amired the delicacy of it, how frail it seemed, and yet hardy enough to withstand the winds, rain, birds, and insects. I amired how it spread it's petals arching to the sun as a lover arches under the sensual touch of their love. I walk out onto my porch now, and while I hate the cold and the snow, I can't help but find my breath taken away at the sparkling beauty as the sun turns the snow into a field of diamonds. I look at the mountains and see the evergreen trees draped in the snow like being wrapped in a delicate shroud. Even watching the snow fall is majestic in itself. Light flakes slowly drifting down from the sky to land lightly on my eye lashes like an angel's kiss. I turn to my dog and I see him smiling and listen to him bark and growl as we play. He throws himself into it with abandon. Nothing else matters to him then. His muscles ripple and bunch as he leaps around, and his barking almost sounds like laughter. It is these little things that can only be appreciated when I am living in the "now". Lately, I have been watching a lot of tv. For awhile I was watching a lot of shows about real life murderers and the crimes they committed and how they were solved. I've been watching other shows where it describes horrific events from massive volcanic activity to doomsday comets striking the earth. For awhile these things threatened to overwhelm me and send me into a hopeless depression. I began to wonder what's the point? I mean, our lives as a person is such a delicate thing, much like the rose in full bloom, that it could be snuffed out in an instant. But, I didn't succumb to the despair, instead in all the horrors I found a reason to live. I began thinking of God and his message for us. Now,not everyone is Christian, and that's their choice, but I feel that this is a message for everyone. I have to write this from a Christian perspective as that's what I know. Those that have a message involving hellfire and brimstone are not people that I choose to associate with. Not because of them per se, but because I have come to an understanding that God wants us to have a good, no, great life. He has given us everything we need, and the intelligence to not only use it, but to discover the hidden treasures that He has placed in the world. He gives us blessings every day. He lets us know that He's here with us, and that He's given us another life after this. Why shouldn't we enjoy the life we have now? I'm not advocating sin, don't get me wrong, but I am saying, live by the few rules that God (according to the original hebrew and greek bible) has for us, and rejoice in the "now". I've said this before, and I can't stress this enough, learning to live in the "now" is difficult. Regrets of the past tend to creep up, and worries for the future can swallow us whole. However, with discipline and the concious decision, when things are difficult we can refocus back to the "now". Don't get me wrong, the "now" isn't some mystical happy land. Sometimes it can be quite painful. During those times, understand that the now is just a fleeting moment, and the pain and, or troubles will pass. If emotions of anger, sorrow, or any other come over you, let them run their course. Don't try to push them away and pretend everything is ok when it's not. Living in the "now" doesn't mean try to be happy all the time, it means milking every experience at that time for all it's worth. Feeling every nuance of every emotion. Tasting every subtle flavor of your favorite food. It means taking nothing for granted, and notice everything. Living in the "now" also means gaining the ability to choose. Not just the usual choices of what to order in a restraunt, but also choose how we act and react now, at this moment. If something has upset us, and we don't want to be upset, we can choose not to be. We can decide if this is something really worth being upset about, will it really affect our over all happiness, or is this a small thing? Again, and I can't stress this enough, don't deny the emotions. There's no such thing as a "wrong" emotion. If it's how you feel, it's how you feel. For me, when I'm in the "now" and I get upset, I let it run its course. I really FEEL it. I explore it and ride it like a river, but I'm always going upstream, searching for the reason I'm upset. I'm looking for whether I'm upset because of the current situation, or is there something more to it? I have found that sometimes, what I thought I was upset about wasn't it at all, it was something completely different. There are other times when I feel things, happiness, anger, sadness, or whatever, for no reason what-so-ever. I don't know if this is something other's go through or not, but it is something that I tend to go through semi-frequently, and I think it's because of the bipolar. When I feel that way, I let those around me know, and let the waves of the emotion wash over me, savoring how they make me feel. Why would I savor those "negative" emotions?Well, I've learned that they are two things for me. First, they are an affirmation. They remind me that I am alive! Feeling bad isn't bad, it's part of the human condition. Living in the "now" means being able to accept them and revel in them just as much as one would do joy and happiness. Don't get me wrong, allowing yourself to feel the emotions and milking them for all they're worth is not an excuse to act out on them. Striking out at people physically or verbally is still not acceptable. And even when we live in the "now", we still need to be aware there are consequences to our actions and decisions. What I'm advocating, and desperately trying to explain, is for us to let go of worrying about what tomorrow will bring. Let go of what yesterday did or didn't do for us, revel in today, and not just today, but this very moment in time. Notice everything, feel everything. Don't just live to achieve one's dreams, but live for the moment. There have been times when I've gone on auto pilot. Times where I'm not really thinking of anything and just being. For example, when I walk to or from the store in the summer. I live on a very quiet street, where I can walk down the middle of it and not have to worry about a car coming. I have blinked suddenly and realized I didn't even notice that I had walked the distance. I remember leaving the house, but I don't remember walking the distance between the house and the store. I was in auto-pilot and forgot to appreciate what was going on around me or in my mind. These are the times we need to avoid at all costs. That's a moment of life that I will never be able to experience again, and I missed it while I was there. Live in the "now" and not the "then". Life is to frail and short to miss anything. At any moment our time here can end. Looking back over our lives and finding ourselves asking, "Where was I," relizing that we missed our own lives, is the saddest thing in this life that I can imagine for anyone. If we don't live "now", then there is no point in striving for our dreams as we won't live them when we get to them. We'll miss them because it will be in the "now" and we'll have new dreams "then". I hope I've explained my philosophy adequately, and I would be more than happy to elaborate on it, or just discuss my insights with anyone. Drop me a line at anytime, and if I'm around, I'll respond. Happy New Year, everyone, and may 2009 be better than all your years before. May all your hopes and dreams not only be realized, but you're able to relish in them in the "now".
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