Apparenly i had this hi5 account that i forgot about, just started playing on it again, and reading through my blogs... it's insane...
May 25th, 2005
Well, I don't lindon will be talking to me for a while. I really pissed him off last time we talked... it's just so annoying that he seems to think I am his personal "booty call", as i put it to him. He loves me, can't date me, and wants to have sex w/ me. Not happenin in this life time. It seems like i go over this same thing every fucking day!!! Except he hasn't talked to me in 2 days... *lol* I don't think he will talk to me anymore. Then only thing he ever has to say to me is "hey lets have sex"... and frankly, I am sick of that bullshit. It's like, he has no fucking respect for me at all. Ahhhh, the joys of men, and their endless bullshit. I swear I need to just get him out of my life completely. I never seem to do it... WHY?!?!!? Why is it that I cannot seem to get someone so mean and cruel out of my life? I deserve so much better than him, even he has admitted that. I don't deserve to be put through all of this bullshit. He doesnt love me. He says he does... i know better... I just don't get how he can sit there and have sex w/ me, and not form any kind of bond with me. So, i asked him. His reply... it's unreal "What makes you think I don't?"(um the fact that you continually have sex w/ me, and refuse to date me, blah blah blah blah... tell me you'll never date me and STILL want to have sex with me, um THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT YOU PSYCHO FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!) anyhow back to his reply "It's a matter of realizing it and what will become of it. Then you have to figure out what to do from there." LOAD OF BULLSHIT. I gather that means, he has sex, decides if he wants to date me, decides no, and figures out he's great w/ just having sex w/ me till he gets another girlfriend. Jesus fucking christ. I have to find the most evil men to date don't I?!?!?!? I mean really... lets look at my track record! Dennis, dear god is psycho... look at the shit he has pulled, and lindon, well really they are the only 2 I have carried on "serious" relationships with. And jesus, had I known then what I know now, I would have never started speaking with either of them!!! I mean, really, who would?!!?!? Men are just plain fucking evil. They seem to just look out for themselves, and decide they don't care who they hurt during the mean time. Just as long as they get what they want, and with the running trend I have with guys, it's just to get in my pants... it makes me so sick. I know I set myself up for this shit, but it's like, i wanted lindon to love me, and be with me, so in my not working mind, I just had sex w/ him thinking that eventually, he wouldn't want to lose me, and wouldn't want to just "have sex" that he might actually start loving me, and wanting me in his life, on a more regular basis. Did it happen, OH HELL NO. I just wound up hurting more than I did when we broke up. I have been in love with this guy for 5 years now, today. I always wonder if he ever really loved me, even then. It's all about sex to him now, so why should I believe it wasn't all about sex then? Jesus he'd had sex w/ one person before me, like a couple of times, and god, that should not even count, ick... his ex g.f was, yuck. Regardless, we had sex, like, everyday... almost literally. sometimes, a few times a day. He's even said "he's not had that much sex since then". So does it all make sense now? yeah i thought so too. Its hard loving someone who doesn't love you back. I wonder if you can ever stop loving someone? God knows I am tried hating him so many times... and in a lot of ways I dispise him... i wish he weren't real... thats why i dont understand why I continue talking to him. I think it's just to torture myself... honestly, i do... i really feel like, I just love to fuck with myself. I read back over this journal, and it's like, why the fuck do I do this to myself? Why don't I just, STOP talking to him, and pretend he is not real. And in talking with him right now, i really don't get why i have bothered with him. He is cruel and heartless... I need to make a support group consisting of myself and this journal, and read it every day, and remeber why I hate him... so, I shall... I am going to have to... I can't keep doing this to myself... i don't deserve it!! I just don't....
May 20th, 2005
So, to begin this week, my bank lost a wire transfer my grandpa sent me. Not a $50 transfer, no no no, my bank lost 11 GRAND!!!! Just disappeared. GONE. Well, I finally got it all sorted out and had to drive to the city to go pick up a cashiers check. I am SOOOO closing my checking account with that bank, the dumb shits.
Then, I bought a new phone from Cingular, it's one of those V551 phones. It is so awesome and so pretty... i Have T MOBILE service, and guess what Cingular doesn't wanna give me the freaking code to open up my phone. GREAT huh? So i am stuck with a $400 phone that says "enter subsidy code"... which hopefully i will get today. But still, it's major annoying!!!!
THEN, post all of that... I have basically stopped talking to Lindon, a fwe words here and there, but for the most part, I don't talk to him. I was going to head up there a few weeks ago, and go stay the night, (this was before the no talking movement took place) and I was like, ok, no that's just stupid, all that will happen is I'll have sex w/ him, and not gain anything from it. He doesn't want to be with me. OH SURE, he says he loves me and all... but, he doesn't wanna date me. So ok, fine. But then today he is all like hinting that he needs to get laid, hint hint at me to come up there and have sex w/ him, and I am sitting here thinking, OK, you tell me you don't want to date me, although you love me, but you'll never be able to date me, but hey i should still come up there and randomly have sex with you when you need to get laid... I'm like, OH MY GOD, i am soooo not some hooker... nor am i some booty call (god i hate that word). I do not get him, like, he expects me to be his own personal little whore. I am like, ok, NO. I mean, he is AMAZING in bed, and I SOOOO would go up there to just have sex with him every day... but it's like, I've really grown up since we started dating the first time, and through all the shit I have been through with him, I just want to have a boyfriend. I want someone to hold me, and caress me, and actually, MAKE LOVE to me, not just some gyu who fucks me when he's horny. Oh my god that was so like, highschool. But somehow he is stuck there. I don't like just having sex w/ guys. I would rather be in a relationship w/ someone. I would like to think that this guy I am havnig sex w/ wants more from me than that. I don't think he has any idea how much that hurt my feelings. Of course, i won't say anything, I may just cease speaking w/ him again...
April 29th, 2005
SOOOOO.....
I am in love with a freakin weirdo....
ok, so he ignoes me sometimes, and then decded he never wants to talk to me again because i talk to ryan...
but, i ask him last night if he loved me, and also if he saw "us" going anywhere... i told him to be honest whether he thought it would hurt my feelings or not...
what's he say... verbatim from the text message
"Yes, I love u, but i don't know what will come of it" it being, us...
so what's that mean? Hell if i know....
so, on with the drama w/ Lindon, and I will cont. my plans to go spend next wed. night up there with him... having sex w/ him like i usually do...
whats weird, i was like, pregnant w/ lexi during all of those!!!!
April 28th, 05... bad bad bad day for robin... u guys know...
texted w/ lindon for like, 5 hours last night... he texted me when he got off of work at 8... and i fell asleep at 1... so we texted for like 5 hours.... And, I am STILL back to square ONE with this bullshit... why the FUCK do I talk to him? I start getting to the point I am over him, and on my whole, NO LINDON conquest thing... then i chit chat w/ him, and then BAM, this bullshit!!!!! but it was quite interesting this time... it first started off with me texting him earlier yesterday why the hell he suddenly (again) decided to hate me... so he texted me back when he got off work and was like "I don't hate you what the hell are you talking about" then i explained how he just stopped talking to me all together, and how i thought it was stupid how he just STOPS talking to me... and then he was all like "i do to talk to you" and i was like UH WHEN? it's been like a month! then he brought up his cell phone bill (that i pay the texting charges on cuz i said i would cuz he is not bright enough to get a texting plan!!!) but his texting bill was like 44 last month, i paid 50 of his bill... ok, and like, i am SOOOO not the only person he texted on his last months bill, and the ONLY texting I did w/ him at all on this months bill was LAST NIGHT.... but anyway!!!!! I am very perterbed.... and his whole bill was like 143 something right? so i paid 50 of it, that left the 93 his bill is usually 60 something, well he used the net didn't realize he had to pay for it, and got ring tones, but like, when he said "my bill is 111" i corrected his saying he owed 93 right now and thats cuz i already paid 50 on it... then he was like well why was it so high then, so i had to explain to him about cingular and how they fuck u in your ass for every charge they can (i worked/ and am about to work again for CING, they pay their employees well to fuck people in the ass) so REGARDLESS, he was acting like i was lying, I am like, dude, 50 bucks or a 100 i told you i would pay the texting charges why the hell would i lie?!?!?! i mean that's so pathetic... then it got into him being all like "you know what we forgot to do last time you visited"... background info... we have sex, everytime we get around each other... kind of like, cats in heat... *(i hate dogs, hence why i said cat)* ooohhh, or bunnies, period.... we used to say that... **sigh** anyhow... so we talked about that whle us and sex thing... which is like, oh my god totally amazing because he is like, oh my god amazing in bed... but see thats not the point here.... god i miss him... but anyways~ so like i was talking to him about a certain guy, who if he reads this knows who he is... who i do need to thank, although, will never speak to again because he is a fruitloop... and not a good one... but he said to me (this guy, not lindon) why i want to bark up a tree and chase a guy who doesn't want to be w/ me, when i have a guy in front of me that wants me... so as insanely pissed off as that made me, because dear god i love lindon, and you will find out later in this story he does in fact "love me too"... but it made me really think... i mean, outside of the fact that i try to make him out to be perfect, but he's broken my heart like a million fucking times.... i am just not sure WHY i keep "barking up that tree" w/ lindon... i just do not fucking know. And so, i told him that last night... which really hurt his feelings, or so he says... and he said it felt like he was losing something, like something was slipping away... and i so badly wanted to be like, UM YOUR PSYCHO STALKER YOU'VE HAD FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS WHO IS INSANELY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND WANTS TO BE WITH YOU!!!! by this point its like 12, texting takes longer than a convo.... so i am like, yeah you're losing me... and explained to him that it's too hard loving someone who doesn't love me back, and he was like i never said i didn't love you... and i was ike, UM yeah you did, when you said "i really care a lot about you, ect ect blah blah blah, but don't love you like you do me" um... yeah i think that sums it up for me!!! although i'm just a chick, haven't taken the "translate men speak" class yet. I explained to him that, i mean, hello, I am about to be a mother, of 2 kids, not just Tash now. I mean my own two little girls. I need to have a stable life for them. I can't keep dragging my children in and out of a man's life. I mean Tash asks me alot "Where lindon go?" What the fuck should I say?!?!?!? When she asks where her daddy went, i tell her work, or Daniel, my brother, he's at grandpa's, Koety is in the city... when she asks those questions about those people, i can tell her where they are and when she will see them again.... we see them every weekend! But Lindon, on the other hand, in the past 9 months I have seen him ONCE, and that one time Tash was with me. She had a blast up there though. She played some of the cutest games w/ Lindon and Trent. She just thought they were the coolest people alive!! It was so so cute. And that was like, about a month ago. And she has asked me a million times since then "Where Lindon go?" She just does not understand it. But anyhow, we started talking about how, like, i can't just "be friends" with him... which is basically the status I have had w/ him for the past 2 years. It hurts hearing him tell me, he can't date me for one reason or another, then turn around, and surprise!!! he's got a new girlfriend... it really hurts.... and then when they split up it's back to the whole "us being friends, and sleeping together".... i hate it.... it really starts making me sick when I think about it. The fact that this has gone on, off and on, for 2 years now. Well, sorta. We were "friends" and just talked and hung out in Feb. right after Tash was born... in 03, but actually slept together that May. He totalled his car too... but reagardless.... how funny... i never realized it... but, i believe that was May 13th... maybe 15th.... We started dating back in 00 on may 26th... same month. How funny... It sucks so much because I trully love him... But i just can't see him start dating other people. Or god forbid, get married... that would kill me... and he even asked me... "even if I was with someone else"... i am like, DUH!!!!!!!!! I could be dating the bestest guy in the world, and really be in love with him... but I will literally DIE if he gets married and it's not to me!!!!! which will never happen, so I am like, thinking that the best idea is for me to just, go my own way. Do my own life, with out him in it... i mean that idea kills me to think about my life with NO lindon in it... but i can't just keep on playing this game w/ him. it's really breaking my heart. I just DO NOT get him. It's like, he says he loves me. He says that, it really hurts him to hear me say that i have to remove him from my life... but he just fucking cannot be with me... couldn't 2 years ago, and can't now... and I asked him, how long will I have to go through this? He didn't answer and I fell asleep so I am assuming he either fell asleep or decided to, STOP TALKING TO ME ALL TOGETHER... again... I am like, ok Jesus lindon, work with me here. Just tell me what the fuck is going on?!?!?! But, that is another of the Lindon mysterys that will never be solved.... HE doesn't even know what is going on. It's going to so suck one of these days if I finally find the perfect guy to date... and actually start dating him, and even possibly fall in love w/ him... and then Lindon goes, OH no... now i wanna be with you... will it happen? God I can dream can't I? more than likely he will never figure out anything that involves me... and he'll get married one day, have kids, blah blah blah... probably be really very happy... And ya know what sucks... I will still love him with all of my heart. I fully believe that in life, you are meant to be with ONE person... that ONE PERSON is your soul mate... but sometimes, that one person had a different person who is their soul mate... and you just never get that person. Destiny is all about choices we make... there were so many small decisions that had I made them differently, Lindon would not exist in my world. But for some reason, he does, and he is the greatest Love of my life. I've dated other guys, gotten married... tried everything to get over him and move on... but I can't, he is always there in the back of my mind haunting me... in a good way, though. I love him, so so much. I just don't know what else to do at this point... besides just give up... I don't want to... but I can't keep living my life based on his actions, or lack there of... i can't force him to want me... and I know he wants to have sex with me, figured that one out easily enough... but for some reason... he just does not want to date me... just at a wierd time in his life....thats what he's been saying for 2 years now... But realistically, I don't think he will ever be at a right point in his life to date me. I have a 2 year old girl, who yeah adores him, but he has no idea about being a parent... and about to have another baby... he would DIE trying to take care of a newborn, although they are so so much fun!!! I can't wait to have this one!!!! But, no man is ever really "READY" for parenthood... they make themselves ready for that one... and besides that... there's too much long standing drama between him and I...BECAUSE when I was 16, i was a bitchy girlfriend... oh well... maybe one day this guy will walk into my life who is exactly like lindon, except, WANTS to be with me... i guess I will hold out hope on that one, because I am losing faith in him... *sigh* till the next time
April 17th, 2005
Last night I watched the notebook... That was the saddest movie I have ever seen. I cried through like the last 40% of the movie... And all I could see watching Noah's face, was my ex. (Lindon)
I think I have gotten to the point with him, that I have given up. I mean, we have been doing this on again off again bullshit for so long now. (5 years actually) I am finally sick of dealing with this shit. It's like, he can never make up his fucking mind what he wants. One minute he is telling how he still loves me and cares for me, and how he could see us (him, me and my daughter Tash) being a family, and all this other bullshit. Then literally the next day STOP talking to me all together. The past 2 years have been this game where "he isn't sure WHO he really wants to be with." Like, he has 60 girls, and he's playing some reality game show to choose which one he wants. He keeps telling me, he's just not sure if he really WANTS to be dating anyone at this point in his life, and then BAM... he has another girfriend. And i am sooo not even joking. It's like this constant game where he is just leading me on!! I hate it. But it's like, I really want to believe that one day he really will love me... but, its geting the point, i don't think he means anything he says. It's like he just enjoys knowing I am totally in love with him, but he doesn't want to date me. I just DO NOT get it. I really trully love him, though that's what so bad about it. Every time I date a guy I compare that guy to Lindon. When something bad happens in my life, and I run to him, he can just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok, and I really feel like it will. I feel safe when he holds me. And even after everything we've been through, I still get butterflies in my tummy when I am around him. I just don't understand how I can hold a guy in such high regard, who honestly treats me like shit. It's like, he just drags this game on... I don't know if he finds it funny, or if he's so confuased about everything. I mean, you would think after 2 years you could decide if you wanted to really date someone. But, since he started the "i just don't want to date anyone right now" thing, 2 years ago... he has had, that i know of, like 3 or 4 girlfriends. One of which actually had the audacity to tell ME that I was trying to use my daughter to get him back. I was like, oh hell no you nasty little HO. I mean, what kind of sick person says that shit?!?! seriously? With all the stressful bullshit I go through with him, for some god awful reason, I stick around, dealing with the bullshit, hoping that one day he will wake up and go... wow, i really do want to be with her. So far, it hasn't happened... and I don't think it ever really will. I am getting to the point, I really don't think him and I will ever be together again. he is the greatest lvoe of my life, and I think I have lost him completely. Which really fucking sucks ass!!!! I just don't know why i can't move on. It's not like I haven't TRIED to move on... I got married, pregnant, had a baby... dates different guys... nothing has worked... I love him now, if not more than i did 5 years ago when I fell in love with him. Yet, still this constant game with him, that I am sick of playing...
On a different note, Dennis (my husband) and I actually aren't at each others throats. Normally we fight like cats and dogs but the past week not so much. I also found out that I am expecting a baby girl in late august. So I will have 2 little girls. I am pretty excited actually.... I mean two little girls... i want to dress them alike for pictures and stuff like that... but... i am the cheesy mom who would do stuff like that to my little kids. Tash will be 2 1/2 when this baby is born. WOW!!! I actually cannot wait. I miss having a baby around. Tash has become so independant and smart... I mean she talks all the time, sings songs, well, twinkle twinkle little star, the itsy bitsy spider, and a couple others. She will hold her little babies and sing rock a bye baby... it's so sweet... she's just such a big girl now... she tries to be a big girl and do stuff with out mommy... she potties in the big girl potty all by herself... it's just amazing... she's so smart!!! We work on flash cards, say our alphabet, and count to ten. She usually won't get past 10 though. She can say words for all her letters (a- apple, b- banana, and so forth). It's so much fun teaching her things and watching her learn. I remember her being this tiny little baby who could not do anything by herself, and now, she's growing into this little person who wants to do everything by herself... with out me... its heart breaking... so about damned timed i had a new little one... but once this one gets to be about 2, Tash will be about 5... they'll be getting ready for school!!! And I don't wanna have like 50 kids, so I will just deal with having my two little ones. God, they'll fight over clothes and make up and all kinds of crazy shit. And then fight over boys... OOHHH!!!!!! god this is going to suck having two little girls.. why couldn't i get lucky enough to have one boy and one girl? My mom had me and my little bother!!! Oh well... it sure will prove to be quite interesting.
God I am turning this into a novel!!! I just really feel like talking a lot today I guess!!!
I read a poem last night, it really fit with the mood i was in about lindon, and I thought I would put it on here. The author is Terry Barnes, it's in his book "From the heart"... a friend gave me the book and this poem called the black porcelain rose really reminds me of lindon....
