I am starting to feel old chains sneaking around in the darkest recesses of my mind. The same chains that weighed me down so much what feels like so long ago. I can not say I know what is making this happen. Hell, I do suppose it would be me. I seem to have this tendency to give out far more than I take in. I spend all of my energy and willingly give it to everyone and everything around me. This such as focusing and retaining my energy levels are becoming much more of a hassle as of late.
My mood began to dip and I decided that writing may be an answer, or at least a way to vent whatever it is that is weighing me down. In a way I feel as if this veil that has been preventing me from reaching myself has thicking and gone from translucent to opaque. Blocking off everything rather than simply hindering me. Yet it is simply this moment. I know I have plenty to be happy for, or even grateful for. I mean, I am safe and will be warm for the winter. Although, I do feel the road calling t me again. The constant change of scenery, surroundings and people. I do know that I have a tendency to end up where I need to be, I also have a good idea of what is needed from me where I currently am. I simply must focus and clean house. Mentally, before I can be of any use to those arund me. Sometimes it slips my mind to take care of myself, when I worry so much about those around me while I see mistakes made around every corner I know that n one is perfect and that most will learn from their mistakes. But what about those that seem so utterly hopeless? Like trying to reach someone that's surrounded by a brick wall simply because it is more comfortable and safe-feeling to themselves. I cant say I know how to reach the one I am thinking of now. I'll call her Mimic. Every time I talk to Mimic, she appears to be listening, and evn gives some more or less fruitful responses, yet doesn't do a single thing to help herself and doesnt even seem to take what I say to heart, or even to mind. She even breaks down into tears for the strangest of things. Usually I am able to connect with people without even trying or actually meaning to. for some reason this is very different. it is almost like Mimic is out of my reach. There is only so much I can realistically do for Mimic when Mimic will not do for herself. You can lead the horse to water, but you can not ake it drink. I dnt know how exactly to approach this problem. I want to help Mimic grow and get past all these walls and barriers that she has trapped herself in. Creating a world for herself where no one else is accepted. Sure, it is comfortable, yet it will do Mimic no good. Not only that, there isnt even must of an age difference between Mimic and me, but I am treated more or less like a parent, or a very disliked babysitter. Anotherthing would be the one I shall call Maple. Maple is very gifted, yet strains for things that I do not believe are important at this time. All of Maple's energy is being spent and used focusing on distant problems, rather than anything close by. Spending all the time and energy on distant issues will not help dear Maple grow either. It is as if she has her walls as well, yet she allows just a single window, where other people's problems are visible as well as her own, and instead of reaching out and taking the lead, or control, Maple wrries from the supposedly safe confines of her walls. There is so much potential in Maple, yet she is blind to it, as well as Maple's own will. All that needs to be done is to apply the answers that have already been lai out in front of the window, and things will fall into place, as they often do. Perhaps it is fear of failure? Lack of faith in Maple's own abilities? Honestly, I can not say that I know. I am beginning to feel more and more drained the longer I remain in place. Losing some faith in myself as well as my own abilities to help, even though I know that they are there and that I am more than capable to take care of the tasks at hand. Though at the same time, it is not my place. I should be willing to let those around me fall to see if they can learn and grow from the mere experience of falling alone. The only problem is that I fear that they may fall and continue to let themselves fall more and more, always believeing that rock bottom has been hit when things can always rather steadily get worse and worse as time progresses.
The next though on hand will involve one that I will call Fallen. I know I am needed in aiding Fallen, although he seems to have no desire to have me involved. Not only that, Fallen wont even speak directly to me nowadays. It seems to only be through this or that person, to be reayed in this or that manner. And I am only reached when n one else can be. Where is the faith? By this, I mean the faith in me. I know full-heartedly that I am a particularly important part of the puzzle that makes up Fallen's trouble, yet either he seems to be blind, or unwilling to believe it. It is as if ties are being attempted to be cut, whether it is supposedly 'for my better' or some other reason. If something is aflicting Fallen, all I get is something along the lines of I am fine, ect. Sure, there may be reasons that are more or less understandable to not have me involved. But excuses are like assholes, we all have them and they all stink. How can I continue to have faith in myself when someone I care deeply about seems to have dwindling faith in me? Maybe not in me specificall, but my capabilities or my purpose. I cant say I know exactly, I just do not see why some doors would be opened only to slowly close themselves in my face. Fallen has been trying so painstakingly hard t avoid direct contact with me that it makes me wonder whether or not I should even try to make contact and shatter this distance that is forming between us. I never desired to have such a distance, yet it still seems to be happening. Fallen is closing himself off while leaving hismelf exceptionally vulnerable. Fallen is not superman and can not help everyone, just as Maple can not do this as well. All I suppose that I want is the knowledge that I can be confided in as I once was not even that long ago. The only way for me to be able to fully assist Fallen would be to know the complete extent of the affliction and the tolls that are being taken on him. I know that the answers to things are always simpler than they seem, considering the fact that humankind has a tendency to constantly overcomplicate things. Yet these answers are so very elusive to me right now it isn't even funny.
Oi. I've lost track of this and gotten distracted, I shall try to get some rest.
Alright, I will give a warning. Seems only right.
I will rant and rave about what I so desire to. Anyone who has a problem with it, there is a handy little button on the top left corner or the screen called a back button. So be sure to use it. I am not here to say I am right and everyone else is wrong. Honestly, it isn't my place to judge. It is, however, my place to rant and rave on what I so desire.
On that note, I have been trapped. By circumstance and blindness. How can one be blind to the simple matters of survival? One should be happy when one's offspring is able to eat three meals a day and have a bed to rest at night. Ideally you would want to take care of your own better than you would take care of yourself. You wouldn't let small insecurities cloud your mind, and your heart. How is it, that once I start to shrug off some of the chains that bind me, I end up being the one at fault? When in truth it isn't a situation to be said his or her fault. I dont cast blame.
Also, I shy in the face of anger. You raise your voice at me and mine hides under a rock. I can not be expected to be able to handle such things when that has been what has been used to terrorize me most of my life. My mother screamed at me constantly when she was under the inf;uence of her vice. My uncle would just yell if there was any disagreement. My aunt yelled out of hate. Anger is something I can not handle very well and as much as I have been doing my best to work on it, I wont be perfect immediately. It's a simple matter of fact. You dont just obtain perfection once you have seen a problem.
I've been doing what I can to take care of myself and those around me. There haven't been lies, just lack of actual knowledge. Tell me to be truthful and not taking the truth is something my uncle was very good at. I find no point in making things more difficult than they need to be. If you ask me a question and desire honesty, I give it. It is as simple as that. If I do not know something, I'm not afraid to tell you. Yet if I am called out on being sneaky when I seriously dont have the knowledge to give you, I cant say I know what to say.
I have pretty much been on my own as long as I can recall. When I lived with my mother, she wasn't sober enough to really be a mother. I took care of my two brothers. I acted in the place of mom where mine could not. Living with my uncle? That's just being around a domineering person when tries to lock you away. As soon as I could, I got out of there. Hell, I used to couch hop constantly. I would go throughout the whole day and people would ask me whether or not I had a place for the night and I never had an answer. Even when the sun started to set. I still found a place every night.
Not once was I left outside becauseI was able to tell who of my FRIENDS I was able to trust. Just as I do start to make friends here, I am blamed for being sneaky when my only other option is to sleep on the floor and stare at a wall. Not the most ideal situation, mind you. I have just been getting out and about. For the first time in FOUR MONTHS. I dont see how making friends and spending time with them, especially when they can help in providing three meals a day and a roof for the night.
My health as of late hasnt been too good. While I am somewhere I stare at a wasll, I get maybe one meala day, if that. Cant sleep until past six in the morning. Cant get the energy to want to move. My tremors have been getting worse. Never have I experienced tremors as bad as I have here. The worse case of them triggered a panic attack that left me recouping for three days. But once I find somewhere to stay for the time being. Where my tremors have gone down, I havent been exhausted. I have been doing something productive at that. Why cant that be seen or noted? I've been having serious anxiety issues and that doesnt seem to matter.
All that seems to matter is that I stay in a box with no way out and to smile while chains are being wrapped around my wings and trapping me. All I want out of life is hapiness and freedom. To think it would be something hard to obtain. I cant even decide what I want to do with my life. There are so many ideas floating around in this twisted mind of mine. Owning a bar, a flower shop, or going out and just taking care of my own damn self.
In life, you are meant to stumble around blindly and feel your way through until it is over and you are free to choose the next move. In my opinion. I do believe that you choose the lessons you want to learn for each life. How else could such creatively fucked up shit happen to one person? Then again, nowadays things are about who has it worse off. People only care for themselves and take from others whenever possible.
That is just plain fucked up. I live my life helping those around me and giving as much as I can. I give everyone a chance to show humility, kindness, or love. I do believe that everyone has that in them. Sometimes it just depends on who you are as to whether you can draw that light out of people. I share and I do what I can for those around me.
Now, once I start trying to do for me, shit starts to hit the fan. In more ways than one. I am not usually able to do things for myself easily becauseI worry more for the well-being of those around me. That is how I let myself waste at time. Emotionally and physically. Even tonight would be an example. I forgoed a bed for the night to try and connect with him and all I get is silence and being told that I would basically be left behind.
Quite frankly, being threatened with being abandoned isnt even my biggest problem with it. It's the fact that the threat wasnt even directly given to me. Oh no, can not talk to me. I chose to go for a walk today rather than following a ball of flaming fury around and being yelled at again. Not necessarily something I can handle. I cant take anger or negative confrontation very well. Can you blame me? When that is mostly what life gives me, and I still make lemonade with those damn lemons.
Sometimes I dont even know. Hell, I used to be one o fthe most pessimistic people I knew. Well, for myself. To see the change in me is kind of funny. From someone who constantly looked for the gloomy cloud of despair to one who just enjoys the sun and happiness while its there. Most people who have been in my situation come out quite differently. More of a monkey see, monkey do sort of a concept. I constantly surprise myself. I have let myself shatterinto pieces, I have picked up the pieces and put them in place again too. I have been working on learning how to bend rather than break.
I treat things I can not handle with patience. You're pissed off? I will generally give you time and space to breath. It doesn't mean I dont love you. It doesnt mean I dont want to be here. It doesnt mean that I will suddenly decide to stay stranded. But if I am forced to be stranded, I will work with what I have irregardless. Where everyone else has failed me and turned on me, I have managed to stick in there before. I can do it again.
Although it will be painful, I will be damned if I am trapped again and again. I will not be the butterfly caught and pinned in a glass case. I will continue to spread love and hope into the world because, in my opinion, there is never enough. When I am lacking in love or hope, all I have to do is remember that there is an innate will to survive in every creature. It drives the predator to the prey, and the prey to try to flee. Everyone has a will to survive, they just let it be clouded and weakened as time moves on around them.
Mortality is something people should really stop worrying about. You live, you die, you go where you go. Whether you come back or go into the golden gates of Heaven(Or the fiery pits of Hell. ; ) ). I believe I have come back, I will keep coming back. I do not believe one lifetime is enough to learn the lessons there for life to teach you.I have put some of the hardest lessons in my path to learn for this walk. A lot with something as simple as love.
As well as family. I have learned that your family isnt always blood related. Often times, it is the people around you who manage to steal away your heart in a way that no lover can. As that is a different fashion of love altogether. Though one shouldn't smother those around them with what they believe love to be. Afterall, who likes to be smothered? It is as bad as simply being trapped. Well, one can be trapped by such things at least.
I believe I have just about rambled myself out for the time being. Once more, dont like whta I have to say? Use your back button. If you're that horrified, then use the X on the top right corner. That has a tendency to work just as well. For everyone else, thank you for your time. Whether or not you can consider it well spent, is up to you.