Lifestyle Funnies Blog by stormdreamer
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never hear a sub say to their Owner 10: How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer? 09: Yeah, right... SPANK THIS! 08: Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right? 07: God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you! 06: And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle? 05: Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps? 04: Spanking? I-THINK-NOT! 03: Who died and left you in charge? 02: Do your own damn laundry! and the #1 thing you will never hear a sub say to their Master... 01: What do I look like, your maid?
If you have ever gone to a play party in curlers and a kerchief, you just might be a redneck sub. If you count your spankings "1...2...3...the next number...the next number...the next number...", you just might be a redneck sub. If your safeword is "cut it out or I'm tellin' Ma", you might just be redneck sub. If you know what your Mistress expects from you by the way she belches, you just might be a redneck sub. If your master tells you to fix him a steak, and you start by loading the shotgun, you just might be a redneck sub. If fulfilling your master's every whim means picking up a 12-pack and changing the TV channels for him, you might just be a redneck sub. If you have ever been bound and gagged in the bed of a rusty pick up truck,you just might be a redneck sub. If you have ever tried to brighten the dungeon decor with a pair of pink flamigos, you just might be a redneck sub. If you have ever had to use your safeword in order to spit tobacco juice, you just might be a redneck sub. If you have ever used nipple clamps in order to remove tics from master's huntin' dogs, you just might be a redneck sub.
HOW DO DOMS KNOW?? Psst.... There is a super-secret school all Doms attend. Knowledge of this kinky institution is a closely guarded secret. Revealing its location is punishable by death! Nah, you say? It must be true. How else would they all know? Know that exact tone of voice that turns the simplest request to a command. No matter that i'm dead tired and feeling entirely unsexy, The Tone curls around my belly, slides down and starts the juices flowing. I hate that! Then there's The Grip. Natural and unobtrusive as breathing, His fingers twine in my hair, effortlessly gripping and pulling me to Him. This instantly transforms my knees and will to jello. I'm helpless to resist as He guides my head to the location of His choice. Sigh! But then the worst is The Look, a piercing study that bares my every thought to said Dom. The Look conveys a stern reminder of His Dominance and my submission. Rational though instantly ceases and I fall prostrate, kissing His feet. They all know this! Must be that school. But don't tell anyone you heard it here!
S.A.M. Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM. Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play. Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign) In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore. During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you. If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed. If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!' Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair. Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party. Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword. When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...' Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me). Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together. Become prone to incessant giggling. If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes. Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off.. Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving) When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters. If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear. Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment. Learn the following phrases: Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself! What do I look like, your maid? This isn't a restaurant. In your dreams! Who died and left you boss? I don't think so! Homey don't play that game. Yeah, right! Use them as often as possible. Only speak in movie quotes. Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer. Send your dom/me an invoice for your services. After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!' Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut. Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word. Starch the floggers. Whine. Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory. Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)
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