xXGRIMNIRXx's blog: "Lifes rough spots"

I know this doesn't get read by many people but i just want to say this; sometimes i wish that i could be in love with someone who i know i want to spend the rest of my life with and who will make me undeniably happy but those make for high standards but damn it why cant i finally be allowed to smile for once? That is all that i ask for. Someone who will not run out on me or treat me without any form of respect or regards for how i feel. Someone who will be there for me and vise verse? I am so sick if being sent packing or finding a person only to realise they are not the one. Its like my whole life has been nothing but disappointments and regrets. You think you have finally found the person you were looking for only to spend time with them and learn that it had all been wasted. I will say that i have matured alot over the years and have come to realise the person that i want to spend time with and what i want in that final relationship. I am just afraid that like the rest of my life it will never happen and i will end up alone once more. Even now i am in a relationship that i no longer want to be in. My heart has been wrung out and hung to dry once again and all i feel anymore is alone and emotionless. Honestly im tired emotionally and mentally and want this all to end so i can smile and laugh once more but i can't...im stuck in a cell that i cant get out of like a caged 'animal'. If only i could be saved once and for all!

I have gotten to the point where i don't even want to be here anymore. I just want to leave and never turn back. After 6yrs i regret now not doing what i should have done then, but my heart wanted me to stay. So i stayed only to come and regret it now. But i think its because my heart has been ripped so many times that i just cant take it anymore. The love i once had has slowly faded away to almost nothing now. So, now after so long im giving up and packing my heart up. What once i thought would end up being a good thing only ended with my heart torn. Why continue feeling the end coming? Why have that feeling that its nothing but a 'friendship' now? what is stopping me from leaving? Whats keeping me here? I no longer feel the love from the other anymore, and they show no expression to change that feeling. I have been asked "so whats keeping you there?" and i ponder over it continuously asking myself the same question when its obvious that she doesn't want me anymore...

There have been alot of times that i have felt alone, most of the time while i am single or depressed. I know there are others out there who feel that way quite often. Wishing that they could find someone who is willing to date and makes them feel happy and good. Me, I feel lonely even when im married. There have been times when i will go to bed wishing that i had someone who would cuddle up with me all night rather than sleeping on the far end of the bed. There have been times like even now that i feel alone while my wife 'needs to get out of the house' and im here. Honestly, i would love to have some me time and get out of the house away from this life for a bit. But i dont. Why? because honestly i dont know enough peaple other than work who i could go visit. I am one of those people that would rather stay home and do other stuff. However there are those moments when being lonely realy sucks and hits hard, making me wish that i had someone in my life who would appriciate what i do for them and return the favor. Or someone who would allow me to have fun and goof off being myself. You know?! Honestly, its pretty sad when your married and your with someone and you still feel alone. Let alone being single wishing you were with someone...It's strange how life turns that way huh? but what can you do but listen to friends advice and just deal with your feelings... as i like to say 'to learn is to experience'

Ever have one of those days when it seems like everything is against you? yea me too and today has been one of those days. Lately i have been feeling some what depressed due to money, bills, my cars brakes being out, and work being a pain in my ass. Dont get me wrong the day started halfway decently until work started piling up on me, making me feel like a piece of crap as if im not worth anyones time. which happens on occasion with my job and the employees being the kind that have favorites (actually the bosses). Anyway, after i got my car fixed yesterday i paid the mechanics and got to work only to find one of my hubcaps was missing. and no i didnt find it so somebody either stole it or it just 'happened' to fall off amidst my travel. so between work and my personal life realy sucking right now it kind of started pushing on the depression again..which i hate cuz it makes me want to get good and drunk. Now i know everybody has those days, with some ppl having more than others, but when it startes dipping into depression it never turns out good..so, im hoping that something realy good will come around soon and make this damned depression and stress disappear. ya know?!