Isilwen Elven Goddess's blog: "Life"

So I thought about what I wanted outta life and the answer to the question would be that I really am not sure. I know that I am in love and the fact that I am next to impossible to getting pregnant makes me cry. I am sad and worried that I will never again have a chance to have another child. I know that I want another child more than anything, but the simple fact that I can't get pregnant without help makes me so depressed. How could someone want to be with me and know that I can never have kids again. It is a 1 in 10.000 chance that I can even get pregnant. So what is a woman like me to do when in the last year alone she lost her one and only son to natural causes. All the pastor said is some bullshit about the time of life and how his time was up. BULL FUCKING SHIT!!! He was 10 months old for fucking crissakes. Who is to judge the determinacy of a full life. Surely not me but he was my angel and best friend. I am not sure how I keep going because in truth, I feel like a quiter, and like I was unworthy of such a gift. Well I guess just because I tried my damndest to be good mother, that God damned me to be unfit. Now ask me if I give a shit? go on ask me! Yes and No. I give a shit because I am not good enough, even though we have fathers molesting the children, mothers as well, we also have rapist, sadist, and the pure evil of man kind running around aloud to have there kids!! Well the other half is no because I am a torn woman and you know what I was the best mother I could be. So Fuck no what does a lonly mother do. When she has not the child that she should care for. How to live, How to breath, These thing are like but a dream to me.

This is a new blog for me since like feburary but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. I feel like I have a whole where my heart should be. He has taken the breath away from me and I feel like I am dying and I want out. Have you ever cared so much that it gets to a point that there is nothing left of you because you have given all you are to show someone how much you care? Well no more. I am starting over and starting new I want something better for my life and I am tired of feeling dead. He says that I kill him daily... Well I hate to break it to him I have died ever day for the past year and he has done nothing to take the pain away. I don't hate him. I am just angry. He wants another woman, someone as he puts it that won't hurt him or betray him. WELL HE BETRAYED ME SO MANY TIMES....... , why does it matter anymore but apparently to him it does. He has feelings for another woman and wants someone with a better body, pretty, and younger. I am too ugly, too fat, and just not enough for him. Well thats fine because I am enough to please my self. And that is all I care about at this point. To those who know me now they know my daily barage of hate and anger I am put through by him and I am leaving for home. I am going back to georgia for a fresh life. Maybe I might see old friends hopefully I will meet new friends, but I know that I will not ever find a reason for nothing but the need of family right now. I love my family and one day I wish to have one of my own but we will see what GOD has in store for me. I wish this man that I speak of goo luck in the future and the only other advice I can give is to grow up and fast. goodbye for now my friends. Heather Lisa Marie Lane Zielonski

I sit in the bed and think about the path that my life has taken. And I wonder what could be different. I wish to change nothing from before. Just now. I wonder if there is a bigger plan for me. And if there is if there is more for me to accomplish before I die. I would like to think that this is true. But I often have my doubts as everyone does. Life is what we make it. And I have decided that my life is ready for a new turn. A new direction. A new path. One that is not often taken. A road not often forged. I will forge on and not fret for my new comfort is that God is and always has been with me. I was just to blind to see. I hope that this new passion for life. Is not just some random fad that will fade with time. I want to live again and truely live. -Heather Zielonski Teach Me How To Live, Teach Me How To Be Free, For Freedom Isn't Truley Free.