Babs310 Bartender for BBW World's blog: "Life"

For this supposedly being such a happy time in my life it has been nothing but miserable. Babies are suppose to bring people together, but instead it is endless fighting (not because of the baby). I'm sick of it all, I tell him to leave, even though I really don't want him to, but either way right now I am miserable. I can be in a fine mood, but he drags me down into his "I hate my life" mood. He got pissed because I said he was going to be just like his father, who is close to 50 and still wanting to party like he's 20 and with 20 year olds, and the he is going to abandon his kids - that may have been harsh, but at the moment it felt true. He wants to have the life he wants *with out me* therefore without his child, if it weren't mostly for me pushing and supporting him and giving him the means to, he would not be seeing his daughter now. So what the hell does that say? He may not move across the country like his father did, but none the less. The thing is when we fight like this, a while later he says he is sorry and didn't mean any of this, I know this time is different, and part of me doesn't want him to apologize and have every thing be peachy keen, because it always gets right back to the spot we're at now, and have been a hundred times. We were fighting a lot before I found out I was pregnant, and for a while things were fine. I never pictured myself in this scenario, being pregnant and the father wanting to leave. But, when your young you never picture the worse. Its 5:30 am and he just left saying he will be back at some point. Whether that means later today, this week or what, I don't know. I want to go to sleep, but know I won't be able to with all this weighing on my mind. I guess thats about all my drama.

I know I've been pretending myself for long enough along with him. . . It was different before. Now there will be someone else to think of, and why would I want to raise my child in a pretend happiness? For once I am not just thinking about myself, but he just see's it as me being selfish as always. I don't want my child to turn 18 and have his or her parents up and split up because we don't have to pretend to be happy for him or her anymore. Why in the hell would I want to fucking do that? I'm trying to grow up, and plan how I want to raise my child, and I don't want to raise it in a life of make believe.

Winter is over, and people are coming out of hibernation, and during the winter there isn't much to do around here, besides have alot of sex. Therefore there is usually quite alot of pregnant people running around. Me included. Yeppers. Pregnant I am. My parents & sister are excited, along with Chris's family, his Dad was shocked, especially since he knew that me & Chris were fighting alot. So, I've got to quit smoking, that will be pleasant. Can't dye my hair - which I was suppose to do a normal color for a wedding & a family portait, oh well. And all the fun stuff happens in the summer!!! Especially the FAIR!!! No rides :( oh well, I can still go and eat! I am still going to go to concerts, since the Family Values Tour is coming to my neck of the woods, and I am psyched to see Hell Yeah, Fly Leaf & Evanesance. The Doctor said it was fine so kick ass - but I've got to be good - no fighting at the concert 0;) Hopefully its a girl, so I can put my Little Mermaid stuff to use! But either way I will be happy with whatever I get!! Thats all for now, check in occasionally and I'll make updates!!