soulsinger's blog: "life"

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student - but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee as hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

OK. The evidence is compelling - and the evidence proving that Global warming is not 'man-made'. we don't even contribute. I am a 'green' person. I believe in recycling, preserving & rebuilding the rainforests, clean air, mankinf living in harmony with it's surroundings (oommmmm). But the effect of anti-emissions policies is having a negative effect on the global economy and teh developing world/ Here are the facts; 1) The western world takes it for granted that 'global warming' is ebing caused by greenhouse gases. 2) greenhouse gases are natural gases that exist in the troposphere - up to 20km into the atmosphere. 3) CO2 is an example of a greenhouse gas. This makes up a tiny percentage of the atmopshere (less than 1%) 4) other sources of Carbon dioxide emmission include - Volcanoes, Plants, animals, the oceans...all of these vastly outweigh the amount that mankind contribute. Mankind's emissions take up about 3% or so of the yearly carbon emissions. Conclusion; CO2 Emmissions barely contributed by Mankind 5) Global warming caused by greenhouse gases would see a rise in temperature at this level. 6) Would it surprise you that the temperature at this level remains constant? conclusion; Global warming not caused by greenhouse gasses 7) Data Shows CO2 levels rising and falling with global temperature - going back thousands of years. CO2 lags behind temperature slighlty. Conclusion; temperature rise caases higher CO2!!!! 8) Data shows Sunspot activity and global temperature correlate axactly. 9) Sunspot activty sends a solar wind that reduces the volume of 'cosmic particlce' entering the atmopsher. These particles are vital iun the formation of cloud. so - sunspot activity, less cloud. The cloud cover reflects the heat and light form teh sun. Les cloud - more sunlight - more heat at ground level!!!!!! 10) more heat - higher Co2 emissions from the sea (with a time lag). Conclusion - Sunspot activity is largley responsible for the current and previous increases in global temperature, which in turn causes any increase in atmopsheric CO2 levels. When putting these facts together, it seems pretty evient to me that the current emphaiss on taxation, and focus on CO2 emoissions is a complete waste of resources. Whilst at the same time, the developing world is held back for fear of incresing CO2 emissions. The world's economy is suffering. It it well known that the amount of sunspot activity over the past 2 decades have been considerable - hence the recent trend in higher global temperatures.. QED

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." "I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage." "Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence." "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off." "The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?" "I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall." "Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant." "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." "Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother." "I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers." "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared." "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink." "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces." "Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away." "I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much." "The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous." "Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it." "I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night." "Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife." "I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction." "We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house." "This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

funny love quotes "It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers) "Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." ( Lord Chesterfield) "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry) "Splendid couple - slept with both of them." (Maurice Bowra) "My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson) "She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse) "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen) "It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill) "I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Bankhead) "I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry 'Henny' Youngman)

love quotes "Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." (Bertrand Russell) "Come, let us make love deathless." (Herbert Trench, 1901) "And so to bed..." (Samuel Pepys not exactly written originally in a love context, but it works...) "All's fair in love and war." (Francis Smedley, from his novel 'Frank Farleigh', 1850) "Man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'Tis woman's whole existence." (Lord Byron, from Don Juan, 1824.) "Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure." (Lord Byron, from Don Juan, 1824.) "Of all pains, the greatest pain, Is to love, and to love in vain." (George Granville, 1666 1735.) "Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned." (William Congreve, from 'The Mourning Bride', 1697.) "The nakedness of woman is the work of God." (William Blake) "Wherefore there are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together let not man put asunder." (Matthew 19:6) "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (Rudyard Kipling, 1919) "C'mon, baby, light my fire." (Jim Morrison and Robby Krieger, from the Doors' 'Light My Fire', 1967.)

funny quotes predictions (alleged) "Computers in the future will weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, forecasting advance of science, 1949.) "I think there's a world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.) "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." (Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.) "But what is it good for?" (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the micro chip, 1968) "There is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their home." (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977.) "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." (Western Union memo, 1876.) "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" (David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" (HM Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.) "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say that America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." (Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting the Mrs Fields Cookies business.) "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." (Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, 1962.) "Heavier than air flying machines are impossible." (Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.) "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." (Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M PostIt Notepads.) "So we went to Atari and said, 'We've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' They said 'No'. Then we went to Hewlett-Packard; they said, 'We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet'." (Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.) "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." (Drillers whom Edwin L Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil, 1859.) "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." (Irving Fisher, Economics professor, Yale University, 1929.) "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value". (Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.) "Everything that can be invented has been invented." (Charles H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.) "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." (Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.) "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." (Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.) "640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates of Microsoft, 1981.) "Fred Astaire Can't act, can't sing, balding... Can dance a little." (MGM telent scout, 1928.) "What can you do with a guy with ears like that?" (Jack Warner, movie mogul, rejecting Clark Gable, 1930.) "You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." (Jim Denny of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, firing Elvis Presley after his first performance.) "I'm sorry Mr Kipling, but you don't know how to use the English language." (Editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a short story from author and poet Rudyard Kipling.) (With thanks to Tony Wills for his contributions.)

oneliner quick quotes A Boss: Someone who's early when you're late and late when you're early. (Unknown) It's the kind or organisation where the lunatic fringe extends right to the centre. (unknown - for disorganized organizations everywhere - ack TW) Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself. (Ack J C) Chinese proverb No1: Man who run in front of car get tired; man who run behind car get exhausted. Chinese proverb No2: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder. Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software. Bacon and Eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. HECK is where people go who don't believe in GOSH. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 1,000 times the memory. Remember that half the people you know are below average. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. (All anon., if you know origins please tell us. Some might be attributable to US comedian Steven Wright, in which case, my acknowledgements to him.

funny quotes school-children's science answers H2O is hot water and C02 is cold water. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. For drowning, climb on top of the person to make artificial perspiration. For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For a head cold, use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat. (Thanks to the lady who sent these - sorry I lost your name when my system went down. If you know the origins please contact us.)

funny sunday school children's answers (Apparently from Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, collected over three years by two teachers. If you know more about the source please let us know.) Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then, than they show on TV now. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen", as a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper, which was very dangerous to all his men. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits, but I don't know why. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long, people got upset about it, and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours, but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. (Precise source unknown. Thanks CB)

funny quotes - school-children's biblical answers Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired and took the Sabbath off. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were proud people and throughout history had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of jesus she sang the Magna Carta. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.