It was a blow that will be shocking me for days to come. I'm at work minding my own business and enjoying the fact that it was a slow Monday night and myself, Nicky and Courtney were just goofing off and yapping-then Shyna, my manager comes in and gives me news that I would have rather heard from a family member. It seems that my grandmother has cardiovascular disease and they found a spot on one of her lungs (a mass-is what the nurse actually said.) They are sending her for a biopsy of it this week because they are afraid it is cancer. Shayna drops that bomb on me as if I should not be affected, but she is expecting me to merely feel sorry for my Aunt Mary-because it's news about HER mother. I remind her sternly that she is also talking about MY grandmother and the very woman that raised me! I was silent for quite some time. I knew not what to say and feared bursting into tears if I said anything. I did my nightly chores and was friendly to my guests, but I know I seemed distant. Wouldn't you be? I was counting the minutes until I could call my Aunt and find out the whole story and not some second hand version that came across as workplace gossip. When I finally got to speak to my Aunt she was trying to be positive. I know that she is just as freaked out as myself by this, but because she actually lives in the house with my Grandmother she has to play it cool. No crying, no stressing out, etc. She is resolved to have good thoughts and think the best until we are given news otherwise. I am a mess. I have gone between crying for my Grandmother and crying for myself. I know that selfishness has no place in times like these, but honestly I will be lost without knowing this woman is just across town should I ever need to visit her or be reasssured about something. My best friend lost both her grandparents within a year of one another and I saw how hard it was for her to deal with. My Grandmother raised me-she was my world. My mother was more like a sister with authority while I was a kid, but Nana was the supreme one. She tended to me when I was sick and disciplined me when I was bad. She was my rock when the world was shifty and my biggest supporter when I was down. She spoiled me-I admit this. She cooked, cleaned and took care of me, my Mother, my Aunt and her husband at the time all without a complaint or a day off. She never asked for anything in return, but to be loved and respected. There were times in my rebellious years where I was less than respectful, but I know she has forgiven me for all that. That's just who she is. Now I look at her and she is so different in so many ways. I never expected to see her unable to do everything she had always done. I never wanted to see her needing other people's help to do simple things like go to the bathroom or change her clothes. This was the strongest, meanest, but most tendered hearted woman ever! Now she is transformed into a childlike being that requires patience and constant reassurance. I am angry with myself for dismissing her fears and for treating her less than stellar on several recent occasions. I have allowed my own growing impatience to let me push her into a corner in my life and not give her the care she asks of from me. How hard is it to go spend a few hours with the woman? But I refuse and now I feel as if I've betrayed the very person that gave me life-or at least the lifestyle I grew up in. I'm scared to death that tomorrow will be her last and then what??? What will happen to our family? Will I have to be the strong one? My mother will collapse, Mary will freak out and I don't know if she will return from the edge of insanity, Ella will use it as an excuse to blame someone for not "doing enough.", Rolfe will just see it as a scheduling conflict and probably try to postpone the funeral until he has more time. Why?? Why is my family so freaking disfunctional? I can only imagine what Jonathan will do when this horrible fate takes place. He's not stable by any means and facing mortality will surely not be a great event for him. As for me-I'll break down, maybe go a little crazy and probably have to be put on medication so I'll do more than just sit and cry. Hell I'm crying now and it's just from the maybes. Who knows, maybe this will just be a scare and the mass will be some sort of shadow that appeared on the X-ray. Then maybe Nana will be fine for another 10 or 20 years. She's only 73 afterall. But I don't know right now and not knowing is what is making me freak out. Mary said to think happy thoughts, but she knows that inside she's not thinking those thoughts any more than I am. How is life supposed to go on when someone this important faces death? My Grandfather died from lung cancer. He was 73 at the time. I never knew him very well-he wasn't around when I was little, except for one Christmas when I was 9 and he gave me these little animal figurines. I still have them in a box in Nana's garage. Those things meant more to me than any other gift that year. In fact I cannot remember any other gift I got that year. They were from him and that was so important. I have lots of things from Nana, but nothing will ever be as precious as the gift of love that she has given me over my 33 years. I wish I had the right thing to say or do in this instance and make sure she realizes how much I love her and need her in my life! She's been a pain in the ass, as well as, the most wonderful gift God can give in your life. That is the nature of family and the people you love. I think what made it all set in and bother me more is when I told my boyfriend about the mass and the cardiovascular illness and his remark was, "I don't think she's going to be around much longer." I began crying and he immediately had to get off the phone. Guess he's not who I need to turn to for emotional support. Yet I was there for his tears when his brother passed away. I took care of him and held him as he cried himself to sleep. Who will hold me as I cry? Nana would, and that's what is making me boohoo like a damn baby right now. I'll have no one like her ever again in my life!!! I love my mother so don't get me wrong. She is there for me, but she will never be Nana and those people that know me will understand that. I just pray that everything will be okay. I'll pray every night until I know something concrete. I gknow this is all in God's hands now and I will let Him handle it as he sees fit. If it is my Nana's time to come and help Him in Heaven then I will accept that, but I may not recover from it very quickly. It's weird, but when I was a kid I always prayed that my entire family would perish all at once in a great big accident or whatever, I never wanted to see someone I loved die before me. I never wanted to be the survivor. I was willing to sacrifice myself so that they could live on. Nana is that way as well. When she was in labor with my Aunt Mary they gave her the choice of her or the baby. My Grandfather said to save his wife, Nana said to save the baby. The doctors saved both, but it just proved her lack of selfishness and her desire to give everything to her kids at any cost. I know that if her time comes she will want to go home to Austria and be buried next to her parents. I know this will be extremely expensive, but I will do whatever it takes to grant her wish. I want her to be with her family again. I want her to be "home" that's all she's ever wanted. I should stop now and try to quit thinking about this. All I'm doind is sobbing and being negative in my own way. But if you see me or talk to me in the next week or so and I seem awkward, you will now know why. I'm sorry to anyone that has lost someone. I'm sorry to anyone facing losing someone. Both roads are hard and lead to the same ending. Goodnight all.
Shelley
