SweetItsChris's blog: "My Message"

*Might be graphic for some might trigger others* I was adopted into a Christian family when I was 5. I had been born addicted to cocaine and alcohol, my biological father sexually abused me at 3 years old. My biological mother thought it would be a good idea to live in a car when i was 4 and 5. Hence why we were taken away and placed in a foster home. They were physically and sexually abusive to both me and my brother. Our foster family adopted us and moved to a campground near the poconos. We grew up having full reign of the whole camp. However we were taught work ethic at a very young age and really did do a lot of work there. We did play alot too though. Around the time I was 9 years old my dad first started “feeling me” up. He would put his hand under my skirt or dress and rub. I had no clue what he was doing, he called it a “game” and not to tell my mom because it was between me and him. In the beginning he did things similar to that every now and then. Like a couple times a month or so, touching me inappropriately and kissing me with tongue. As the years went by and I started “developing” I guess you could say, it got worse. When I was about 11 it turned into an every day thing. He would grab my boobs, rub them, rub my lower parts, tell me he’s the only guy for me, etc. He molested me almost every day from about 11 until I was 17. I honestly didn’t know who to tell or where to go, I had tried to tellmy mom multiple times that he was doing thse things to me. She shrugged it off, “Stay away from him then.” “Don’t lie about your father, Christina.(that’s why I don’t like being called Christina)” So it continued until she died in 1997. During my whole childhood there were two things that were always, continually there for me. God, who most likely kept me sane and kept the other thing in my life to keep me alive. He comforted me, hugged me and showed me how much He loved me as a true father should. I gave my life to Christ when I was 15 years old. In my room with the door locked. I didn’t fully understand what I was doing but I knew I was sure God would show me what a true loving father was supposed t be like. I read my Bible, I was also going to a Christian School at the time, so that taught me a lot. Jesus will always be my Hero, Savior, He will always be my comfort, the first true love in my life. He truly saved me. The other thing that truly kept me going has 9 people involved. Music. Dc Talk, The Brothers(family force 5), and Hanson. Dc Talk was a huge reason I understood Jesus and the love He had/has for me. I became bold. I became okay with being a Christian in a public school setting. They were my heros on earth, the people I truly looked up to and wanted to be like. The brothers song “Hide Me Away” (the tattoo I have on my right shoulder) saved my life literally. “Hide me away safe in your arms hold me a little longer, I want to be closer to you, With every breath I take, Hide me Away.” Were the words I listened to on my walkman on my way to jump off a cliff in 1995. I stopped in my tracks, turned around, and went back home. Even though I knew I was going to face the ‘father’ that was not holding me in his arms, that song gave me a new hope, a revived thinking that Jesus truly cared for me and was holding me in his arms even when earthly sinful people weren’t. Hanson, Hanson was and is, my first loves on earth. They kept me going, and have kept me going since 1997. They brought joy into my life, They brought smiles, happy songs, happiness, laughing, hope, love, They redirected me when I was in a place of true depression. God used their music and their personalities to some how bring me back to a place, every time I hear them, to believe God has a purpose for my life. They uplift my spirits I will always always have a special place in my heart for all of these bands. They weren’t the only bands that in certain times keptme going, Nsync, All Time Low, Audio A, and a couple others were also there in certain times of my life. But those are the three that truly changed my thinking, my outlook, or impacted me in such a way that I still hold on to them now. When I was 16-17, Hanson was my band. They were my forever. They were my protectors. I had my walls plastered with their pictures because my dad was creeped out by them looking at him constantly. It kept him out of my room and away from me (most days.) So they protected me when i was in my room and that is why I had them all over my room and my life. He didn’t like them. That is why I hold them so close to me. They stopped him. He told me they creeped him out and he didn’t like them watching him. So of course I kept them up on my walls! I have met Dc Talk, I have met The Brothers, I have met Isaac from Hanson. I have told only The Brothers about their impact in my life and how they saved me from killing myself. God used these positive influences in my life to show me how much He truly loves me. I have stayed away from older guys because of my dad and what he did to me. I also was a virgin until I was 30 because I had been so afraid of getting close to any guy. I was also rejected anyway and I was forbidden to date too. I wanted to save myself for marriage but it just hasn’t come yet so I rededicated myself to that after the stupidity of giving myself to someone that really didn’t want me to begin with. I’ve never had a boyfriend because honestly I was afraid of guys (except Hanson, the brothers, and dc talk) until I was 25. I had also fallen for them because of how nice and accepting they seemed. I hadn’t known guys to be like that. I want to be able to counsel teens/young adults that are going through things similar as I did growing up. I want them to know you will come out of that. It won’t happen forever. Although my father was not violent. He forced himself on me multiple times, He stole my childhood from me. He stole an innocence from me that I could never get back. He never actually raped me, but he screwed up how I saw things, I feared him and how he made me feel every day. He touched me, caressed me, felt me, looked at me, snuck in on me, stood next to me as i slept and pleasured himself, He was disgusting. He woke me up for school in the morning by rubbing my vagina. He tried to make me touch his penis, and he full on forced french kisses on me. He was a child molester in my eyes and I will never forget what he did. However, I do not hate him, do not wish him to Hell, do not think he fully did it on his own thinking. I just want to use what happened to me as a way to say, God can take you out of your horrible situation, He can make good things happen through out it to make you stronger, to show you He is really in control. To show you that He truly has a plan for you!(Jeremiah 29:11) You just have to stand up and say, Something bad is happening to me, Help! God loves you, He will use anything He can to show you you are loved. That you have a purpose. He will bring you out of what you are going through. Music is an outlet. It is a joy helper. My dad stole my joy, God and those bands brought it back and I am so thankful they followed what I feel is Gods’ given skills to speak to people and help them in their lives. Thank you.