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What are you waiting for?
You look my way and the butterflies start to flutter their wings. You call me baby and the sound of your voice causes my heart to skip a beat. You reach over and put your arms around me and everything falls right into place; the dark becomes light, wrong becomes right, and all my worries vanish. You hold the key that unlocks my heart and the match that sets me a flame. With one touch you can soothe away my fears and with that same touch make me forget all reason and send my senses into overdrive.
It's amazing how loseing a freind makes you stop and think about what is really improtant. And amazing how one day can change your whole life and out look on things. Or even amazing how a short week can bring back the spark and fun in a relationship. This month all of that happened to me in just a short span of two weeks. I graduated from college and it made me look at the world with a new I am ready to take on all attitude. The day before graduation a dear friend of mine lost her battle to cancer, her strenght and faith showed through to her final hours. She really touched my life and many many more and made me realize that if I just trust in the Lord I can take on any battle. The next week was a fun filled week with just my husband and I. It really brought back what life had taken out of our relationship. It brought back the fun and goofiness that brought us together in the first place.
So this is what is feels like to stop caring. It's kind of an empty feeling. Caring hurts to much and hurts even more when there is no one especially the people that you always thought would. I let that wall down and exposed my feelings like an idiot again but as of today it is going back up. I will never let another person into my heart. All that happens when I do that is pain and tears and I'm fully 100% done.
How can you tell me you love then run the other way?
How can you tell me you want me then constantly push me away?
How can you tell me to be the girl you know and love but then treat me like I don't matter?
How can you expect me to happy when you, my best friend, will barely speak to me?
How do you expect me to fix the issue when you won't tell me what it is?
How? Just how?
As I sit here in my kitchen in the dark and silence I can't stop my mind from wandering.
It goes to the far past where things were simple and happiness was always right around the corner. Where Daddy's kiss and hug could fix every boo boo and dry every tear. A smile creeps to my face and a tear to my eye just remembering his smile, his touch.
That smile slowly fades as I remember the the not so far past, eight years ago when I was woke with the worst fear of my life coming true. I woke to everyone crying and tellin me my Daddy wasn't coming home to hold me. Telling me he had gone to be with Jesus. I'm still not sure if I stopped breathing but I know I could literally feel my heart shatter. Time went on to find me only going through the motions of the day to be honest I can't remember much of the days and years after that.
As the tears fall harder I remember when that shy country boy pulled up and stole what part of my heart that had mended never to return it again. The day he asked me to be his wife and the day we said "I do." He has no idea what he awakened in me, I began to live again, to see the world in a new found light once lost. He has pushed me to acheive what I felt was impossible.
Now my mind is on the present. That same boy has my heart but he has changed. I'm not sure from day to day what to do and everything is becoming a blur as the needs and pressures of everyday life run together. Someone has entered and at first things were great, they were a friend I could lean on, a friend that could make me smile just by saying my name. I have come to count on the friend for more then I probably should.
But as I sit here in the dark and silence I start wondering what is the true purpose behind this such friend and where will this lead my life? I start wondering how much I should share and if I have shared to much already. I start wondering and waiting for the day that he runs from me just as many have done before him. I guess you can call it once bitten, twice shy. I have tried to pull back on to have him pull me closer. But right now it does feel he is pulling away and the thought scares me to death.
Maybe my answers to Why? and When? will be answered one day but for now I just sit here and wonder.
Seems like I'm always running. Running to complete things on time, running to you, running from you. You tell me everything is ok but my mind won't stop running. I find myself running to hid from my true feelings or running to figure out what they are. I know what I do scares you but don't worry baby I'm strong I can take on the world alone. I may not want to but if it comes to it I will. Right now I feel like I'm just running in place and can't figure out where I need to run to. Your love scares me, your not being here scares me even more. Maybe one day I can stop running but for now it looks like this is my life.
Honey know I love you and always will even when I run. This time however don't chase just let me go and maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't. I'll figure that out as time goes on.
Just like a rose i've watched our love bud and bloom. It was sweet, suductive, beautiful. But just like a rose nothing stays the same. I now sit here and watch it fade and wilt. Slowly I see the beauty of our love slipping away as the cold of the winter bites at it. Just as I still love the rose and wait for it to bloom again, I still love you and will wait for our love to spark and come back to life.
Every day I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this confusion. I find my self hoping and wanting. The confusion turns to pain when I can't hear your voice and see your face. The pain turns into tears and then more confusion. I find myself sitting and wondering the age old question of "Why?" Why him? Why now? Why can't I escape these thoughts? The confusion of it all keeps building and building. I'm afraid that one day it's going to become to much for the two of us. For now I just try to deal and I smile every time you say my name. There is a plan made for us and all I can hope is soon it is shown and this confusion is stripped away to reveal nothing but happiness and love.
