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ok...so I"m back after 2 years...anyone interested in the rollercoaster ride of a story, holla!! lol...its one hell of a train wreck! Cry...I missed u all...come show some luvin'!!! Sealed.....

 

Here we go!.....one night after my husband went to work I packed up my kids and left, driving all night from Fresno, California back home to Ogden, Utah...My husband is an abusive man, both mentally and physically and I couldnt take anymore. When I arrived in Utah I was turned away by my family because they thought I was being selfish for wanting more out of my life, I then got stuck staying with my oldest sons dad, not such a good idea but I had nowhere to go.  A few months down the road I found out my sons father (his name I'll keep to myself 'cuz hes not very well liked) was using and selling meth...I was at a pretty low time in my life, so curiosity got the best of me, I figured what the hell I can handle this!! what a dumbass I was!!! the stuff had its claws in me before I even knew and I was terrified, this is one evil addiction people and if you've been there you'll know what I'm talkin about, it puts a fear in u that u cant shake and dont know how to get over. Well....six months later got caught for possession, possession of paraphernalia and theft, yep I was put in jail but was released on my own recoginance because it was a first offense and started drug testing as I awaited my court date. Now, you'd think that would be enough to get me to stop right? nope! I was clean for about 9 days and started again....when I got caught I was back with my husband 'cuz he'd come to Utah to get me back and I had no choice, I was in trouble and could've lost my 3 kids, pure devastation Cry they're all I have....I went to court and of course my tests came back dirty so I was givin' a week in jail to clean out my system, once out I signed a plea in abeyance, the conditions were that I had to complete group counseling, individual counseling, NA classes and continue drug testing for 12 months and all charges will be dropped, pretty good deal actually 'cuz nobody wants to be a felon, messes up your whole world.

For most of the time my husband was right there doin' it with me, so staying clean around him and his abuse wasn't gonna happen...two weeks ago I left him and went to my dads, Ive been clean for a month (Ill explain more on this later)  but Ive been branded by my ex as a drug addict and a failure and it hurts me to think about how much I've hurt my children through all this...it was my babies that saved me and they're my motivation to keep on going. Since Ive been away from my husband I've had zero urge to use anything and have been happier than I've been in years despite the fact that I'm up against a nasty divorce....as far as my plea goes, I'm six months into it and so far no problems, I still random drug test and have counseling out the ass but its been a big help....it is true what they say, you cant quit unless YOU YOURSELF want it bad enough, only you can do it!! its probably the worst demon I've ever faced and will continue to fight for the rest of my life...the withdrawls are hell and it takes a long time to feel completely normal in your head, I still get head rushes from hell just sitting still and confused sometimes but it gets better everyday...I look at life a whole lot different now and for the first time I'm not afraid to wake up. This is a new beginning for my kids and I and I'm gonna get the most out of it this time, lookout world 'cuz I'm back with avengance!!!! lol Wink

I hope this helps someone out there, if anything just to comfort another going through the same thing would mean the world to me....I'll be updating my situation  as I progress but for those of you left confused (because I said I've been clean for a month but have been under my plea for 6 months) I'll explain later, let me get through the next 6 months before I spill it all k! Embarassed.....and for those of u who know me..I hope this doesn't affect how you feel about me, I'm still me but better!! Sealed

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