Akasha's blog: "Life's Little Lessons..."

Well here I am, sitting at work.. Nothing to do, bored, hurt and angry. I think the first thing on the list is pretty much self explainitory, but let me expalin the other two. I'm angry because I'm sick and tired of people getting preferrential treatment becasue of the way they look. Anyone that treats anyone differently because of the way they look needs their heads read, just because they're deemed as being 'beautiful' by society's standards doesn't make them any better of a person than anyone else. We're all the same on the inside, which is what really counts anyway. I couldn't care less about looks or material possesions, give me someone with a good personality and a good heart and I'll show you the makings of a great friend. Okay now on to point number 2. I am hurt because someone I love and care for a whole lot has been taking forgranted everything I have been doing for them lately. I haven't slept a full night in almost 2 weeks because I have been using that time to help this person with something that they're very passionate about. I know I didn't have to do any of the things I did but because of the feelings I have for this person, I wanted to. I don't ask for much. A simple thank you would suffice, after all it is common curtesy. I'm also hurt because when I talked to this person this morning before I left for work, they made some really harsh accusations that had no merit what-so-ever. Fine, I understand you got hurt for that I'm sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you, but when you basically accuse me of being self centered just to make your point you've overstepped a line that needed not to be crossed. If you honestly see me as being the self centered person you talked about this morning, then I think it's pretty obvious that you dont know me as well as I thought you did. Well this ends my little tangent for now. Sincerely, Angry&Hurt.

Feeling a little better today because I know he finally understands why. He posted a blog about it and it left me speechless, and in tears.. I felt that a huge weight had been lifted from my soul. I'm a little more at peace today. The smile on my face came a little easier, and is less forced than it has been in days past. I'm no longer doubting my decision. I'm glad I found the strength. It's taken a lot out of me, but if this is what it takes for him to be happy then so be it. He's been a great friend from day one, and i love him whole heartedly. We can't be together now, but who knows.. Maybe another time, another place.

Well it's the beginning of day 2 since I made my choice to say goodbye. I've gotta say this is harder than I thought. I'd forgotten how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you feel so much for. Guess I'm a little rusty, not that I want to make a habit of having to make decisions of this kind. I guess I didnt think it would effect me as profoundly as it has. Thought that I was strong enough to not let it get to me, but the truth is it ripped my heart out. I know me doing what did was for the best, but that doesnt make it any less painful.I hope one day he'll understand my decision, see that I had his best interest at heart. Uggh I wish I could turn my brain off.. It feels like it's about to melt from over usage. I feel like my heart has been placed in a vice, but I guess that's what heartbreak feels like.

The Space Between Alone in the dark On this chosen path Standing at a crossroad Not knowing which way to turn I cant go back from which I came Cant go back to the safety and light It grows darker still The winds of change blow bitter through my soul. Early this morning I said goodbye to someone I feel very deeply about. I know what you must be thinking; 'if I care so deeply about this person then why say goodbye?' Let me explain the events leading to the goodbye to make it perfectly clear. I met this really great guy and there was an instant mutual attraction. The more we got to know each other, the more profound the feelings became. I told this person from the beginning that I have things in my life I need to work through, and until I do I couldnt commit myself to anything more than friendship. He told me that he understood, and was content to wait until a time when I could commit. Everything was going alright until last night he said something that made me take a step back, and really think the situation through. He told me that a few of his other female friends had confessed they have feelings for him, and that they'd like to have a chance to be with him. He expressed that he too had feelings of wanting to date one of them, but said he didnt want to lose me either. After hearing that I was deeply hurt feeling that I was just someone to fall back on if things didnt work out. I was ashamed of how selfish I had been. Allowing him to wait for me to commit, knowing that I didnt see it happening anytime soon. I told him he needed to let go, and that he needed to move on with someone else. I wished him the best of everything to come and told him I would be distancing myself for awhile so I was no longer part of the equation, and he could move on more freely. He got upset and refused to let me go. He told me he loves me and that he is happy to wait for me, when not even 45 minutes before he expressed his interest in dating someone else. He still refused to let me go. It really made me feel that I was just a back up plan. He got angry and said that I was fucking him over and compared me to someone who had hurt him recently for a completely selfish reason. I didnt know what to say at that moment. So angry, hurt, and confused I cried myself to sleep. I dont know what to say or do. I'm at a loss for words. I'd rather he let me go and have him go be happy with someone else rather than sit waiting for me to work through my issue. I dont want to commit to someone who I know would always be wondering 'what if?' Am I wrong for doing what I did? I think that letting go was the mature thing to do.

Due to a completely thoughtless act on my part involving another user, I think it's best that I spend a little less time on tap. I will be back eventually but for now I think it's for the best that I give him space and I have mine as well. I love you all dearly, You're amazing people. See Ya Sometime Soon Cassie (♥Akasha♥)

This is to support my cause also to those assholes who said my videos were repeative and lame I MADE A WHOLE NEW ONE Kain Thats right watch this video if your gothic or even if your not support us all. We are NOT freaks just because we look or act a little different than the rest.We are NOT freaks because of the music we listen to. We are NOT freaks for how we believe. You know what makes us freaks.Its the close minded people that think they are better than us when they are NOT....So listen to this song watch this video and let your voice be heard.....I AM AGAINST GOTHIC DESCRIMINATION .....True Lord Lestat TO ALL THE HATERS PEACE,LOVE&FREAKINESS ¢¾Akasha¢¾
The above is the bulletin I'm referring to. After I reposted it a friend sent the following message to my inbox and I feel she has a very valid point. This is what she wrote: "Akasha, While I have nothing against goths in general, I do have something against someone telling me fuck God or Christ. That is being closed minded as much as someone being close minded about the goth lifestyle. I believe like the artist in the song states at the end that we should be true to ourselves and be who we are and not try to force others to live in some conformed life that they are are not ready to live in. You are perfectly happy living a goth lifestyle today but who knows what you will want 5, 10 or 20 years from now. I certainly am not doing what I expected when I was your age. But I have learned to always listen to my friends, one of which is you, and I agree discrimination of any sort is wrong. No matter what is being discriminated against, it means someone's rights are being trampled on. Our forefather's fought for us and men and women continue to fight for us to pursue our own individual happiness and no one should take that away. So thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will certainly keep an open mind and wish you well in your goals of attaining what you want. Lori (Bluebrd)" I got to thinking and instead of sending my reply privately I decided to post here instead so everyone might take a moment to read it. My reply: I agree. Saying "fuck God/Jesus is totally wrong. I don't believe in forcing religion/beliefs on anyone as it has never been forced on me. All my life, I have been given the opportunity and freedom to experience many different religions. Knowing all the while that no matter which I chose I would receive 100% love and support from my loved ones. As for knowing if the goth lifestyle is what I'll want in the years to come well, it's who I am. A lot of people just say they're goth to try and fit in somewhere. I however have been this way as long as I can remember. In elementary school I tried to conform to what the general population deems as being 'normal', but all I succeeded in doing is making myself miserable. I realized that my true friends would accept me no matter how I looked, talked, believed etc. Discrimination of any kind is wrong and needs to stop, but until we all learn to accept people for who and what they are it will continue to thrive. Wicca and goth lifestyle is my choice. I can promise you now though that I will never force my beliefs on anyone. I wish nothing but the brightest of blessings for all. Peace&Love Cassie (♥Akasha♥)

I had this on my profile but it was all messed up so I moved it to my blog instead =)Actually a pretty good guideline for how people should live life if you really think about it. It Just makes a whole lot of sense. Well it does to me anyway. Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust. Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give. For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out. To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme. Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much. Honor the Old Ones in deed and name, let love and light be our guides again. Deosil go by the waxing moon, chanting out the joyful tune. Widdershins go when the moon doth wane, and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane. When the Lady's moon is new, kiss the hand to Her times two. When the moon rides at Her peak then your heart's desire seek. Heed the North winds mighty gale, lock the door and trim the sail. When the Wind blows from the East, expect the new and set the feast. When the wind comes from the South, love will kiss you on the mouth. When the wind whispers from the West, all hearts will find peace and rest. Nine woods in the Cauldron go, burn them fast and burn them slow. Birch in the fire goes to represent what the Lady knows. Oak in the forest towers with might, in the fire it brings the God's insight. Rowan is a tree of power causing life and magick to flower. Willows at the waterside stand ready to help us to the Summerland. Hawthorn is burned to purify and to draw faerie to your eye. Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning adds its strength to the bright fire burning. White are the flowers of Apple tree that brings us fruits of fertility. Grapes grow upon the vine giving us both joy and wine. Fir does mark the evergreen to represent immortality seen. Elder is the Lady's tree burn it not or cursed you'll be. Four times the Major Sabbats mark in the light and in the dark. As the old year starts to wane the new begins, it's now Samhain. When the time for Imbolc shows watch for flowers through the snows. When the wheel begins to turn soon the Beltane fires will burn. As the wheel turns to Lamas night power is brought to magick rite. Four times the Minor Sabbats fall use the Sun to mark them all. When the wheel has turned to Yule light the log the Horned One rules. In the spring, when night equals day time for Ostara to come our way. When the Sun has reached it's height time for Oak and Holly to fight. Harvesting comes to one and all when the Autumn Equinox does fall. Heed the flower, bush, and tree by the Lady blessed you'll be. Where the rippling waters go cast a stone, the truth you'll know. When you have and hold a need, harken not to others greed. With a fool no season spend or be counted as his friend. Merry Meet and Merry Part bright the cheeks and warm the heart. Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good. When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow. Be true in love this you must do unless your love is false to you. These Eight words the Rede fulfill: "An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will" WOOT WOOT PROUD WICCAN UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!

The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off.. People who tell you "oh I do my own thing" "I don't give a fuck what other people think.." Well you know what? You don't do your own thing. You do what you think will make everyone like you.. You're a sheep. You're FAKE! There's nothing real or sincere about you. You're a fucking low life scum and I hope someday one of your little sheep buddies does to you what you've done to me.. You make me sick and I hope you choke on your insincerity and die.. Lame ass bitch!! You have to start shit to make yourself feel important.. When you finally get a wake up call and realize that you've fucked up every friendship you've ever had, I wanna be there to laugh in your face.. You're going to die alone and you deserve it.. It'll look good on you.. :)

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed "Nether Regions" invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OBS nurse says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.....calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch her(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute"wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "MENOPAUSE !!," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.