did you ever stop to think that your life was supposed to be different but you just didnt know what or how to change it. your life passes you by and you can only catch glimpses of what you are going through and thinking about what you could be different in your life? do you look at yourlife and think i couldnt have it any better than i do right now. i thought that, for a long time ithought i had the perfect life, a loving attentive husband who treated me good, 2 beautiful boys who make my world go round. then one day i stopped. i was out shopping in a store and something made me just stop in my tracks. i looked at all the women walking around, their kids either screaming in the carts or the kids were picking up everything and putting it in the cart and the mom was totally oblivious to them. there she was walking at a slow pace looking sideways as if to wonder if she got everything on her list. i looked at the empty look on her face and then there was another. and another. why were these women looking like zombies? wee they wondering what happened to their life? then i was paralyzed. like glue had me where i stood. do i look that way to people? do i think about my life 10 years ago 15 years ago. oh my god i did start thinking about it. i started to tell myself that what i was living was not the truth. my husband was never around, i would ask him to watch the boys so i could have some time to myself and he would tell me well cant you just take them with you. i always said yes even though half the time i wanted to slap him. sure its raining cats and dogs, ive had 2 back surgeries and still have a herniated disc, ill have to lift them in and out of the cart, drag them in the store and fight with them picking shit up. i would start to yell at them and then i would start thinking about what a bad mother i was. why did i have to yell at them so much. why wouldnt they listen to me but they would listen to their dad. it made me think even more. my boys listened to my husband because he would yell at the top of his lungs. he would pull them by their arm and spank them like he was beating a dog. he and my kids actually got kicked out of one of my doctors appointments. throgh a closed door he started yelling at them and the nurse walked in and said that the other patients were complaining and that he and the kids needed to leave or i would have to reschedule when they were not with me. they walked out. my doctor walked in and the first question he asked me was if i was ok, but it wasnt the typical how are u doing it was are u being hit or abused at home? i had never been more embarrassed in my entire life. i cried and cried. my doctor said he was worried. oh my god why couldnt i see all the shit he was doing to me? i would never ever had imagined myself cheating on my husband i wanted things for us to work out. nmaybe if he could just get some help. i begged him to go to the family doc, who very quickly put him on anti depressants. for weeks after that things changed and for the worse. he became withdrawn, he wouldnt kiss me like he used to, he was never home. i was mommy and daddy for my boys. for 2 weeks after he left us my boys had no idea he had moved out. he came over one day to see them, i told him i was not gonna be the one who told them he had left, so he asked me what i told them i said nothing. my oldest jumped into his arms as soon as he saw daddy. daddy i miss you, my husband asked where do you think daddy has been, my oldest said i thougth you were at a meeting or work. for 2 weeks my boys hardly mentioned the word dad. what did that tell me. it told me it was time to look differently at my life and see the good i have and whats to come. i still love my husband but not in the same way. i love him because he gave me two of the biggest blessings that anyone in their lives could have, kids. and also i loved him for the fact that if he could fall in love with me, i knew their were others out there, someone who would treat me like the person who hung the moon. treat me as the goddess i am and once was. to be loved unconditionally by a man that knew more than one way to treat a woman.
