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What are you waiting for?
A little over 13 years ago I lay in a hospital bed wondering if I was gonna die from whatever was going on in my body and the ensuing blood clot that came with it. I have been through a lot since then, some know, some don't know about the trials and tribulations that I have endured both physically and in life in general.
I have pushed through the past 10 or so years kind of like a snow plow in the blizzard of 2013, just pushing and pushing and pushing because there was only me to provide for my son, only me to pay bills, only me who carried the responsibilites that come with being alone with a child . You power through the pain and lay in bed at night wondering when sleep will come because every part of you is on fire but you do it again and again because there is no one else.
Around 2008-2009 it became much harder. I cannot even tell you when the tide shifted, but I do know it was during the time I worked as a property manager. Steps became way harder, the pain was just unbelievable and the swelling of joints and extremities was beyond belief. Yet still, I powered through it, quit that job and went back to school for almost 2 years. Dragging 50 lbs of books behind me and up stairs and just kept trying to make life easier for myself and finding that it was only harder.
All this time living on unemployment and student loans. Trying so hard to get healthcare and fix the problems of the past 10 years, finding no one would help me...on Medicaid. In 2010, I tried to work, the first job I got after graduating and found I could not do it. I was both physically incapable of walking and mentally unable to keep things in my head that I had once prided myself in being able to do. I had failed and was dismissed after the first 4 weeks. Being a perfectionist, this just broke me completely spirit wise. Where was the person, I used to be?
I applied for disability the next month. I struggled through the next 14 mos., living on a meager unemployment of $50 a week (I had screwed myself by working that 4 weeks and they reduced my benefits). Yes $50 a week. I live in HUD housing with the not so pleasant part of society, I had to get help with food and help from friends for the non-food items that you need. Life was extremely stressful and finally end of 2011 my disability went through.
Are things better? Financially yes, security wise yes. But the person that I used to be is lost. She can't do most of the things she used to do and can't remember even the simplest things sometimes. She is in pain all the time and some days wonders to herself...when will it all end? I am tired of hurting, tired of not being able to do things, tired of my head thinking “I want to go there” and realizing I can't do it or I am to tired to do it or whatever the issue is for that day.
The ferocity of my will to figure out a way to make things better is still there, but my body has abandoned my will. What replaces it is frustration and tears and cynicism.
Maybe when Spring gets here I will feel renewed. All I have left is hope, my son and my friends.
