Life is obviously not easy for anybody, I do not hold myself any higher than anybody else despite the wars I have fought within myself just to survive no matter how dark my world seems.
I am sorry Cherrytapian this is not the mindless banter that a lot of this site seems to promote. I am writing this for me and thats it. I feel pretty alone on CT anyways just a fucking popularity contest nobody seems to give a flying fuck really. although I met one very special girl on here, but where did that go?
Ah...well I guess thats a good place to start, When a lady tells you, I want something real. my question is what is to real?to honest? what emotions are appropriate when you see the deeper things in a person and you know you like them. the only person I know how to be is myself, yet I find that myself is brutally honest and true to my word. I always find first dates impossible because I put up a wall trying not to let myself get hurt and because of that I probably come across as fake. because I am the kind of guy that can like a person in just a few minutes. I am very confident in my self and am well aware of how likeable a person I am, but I question myself and get really confused when the first date is over.
Second on the agenda: Survival
Now, I know it doesnt come across this way when people talk to me, because I know I am normal but a fact I face everyday of my life is I am still disabled. I dont look at myself this way but the problem with not looking at myself this way is when I have a problem doing something thjat I could do before my Anerism I get frustration and very discouraged to a point where it becomes my focus of something I cant do that everyone around me can. and yes it makes me feel inadequate and unworthy sometimes yet I try to be strong usually ending in failure. it seeme impossible to focus on an objective when these things come into play.
Fortunately I have never known how to give up. I tried once and it was actually harder than trying to succeed so I litterally cant stop myself from trying in every aspect of life. and again this is where my Lady issues come in, always being told I am trying to hard yet I dont even realize it because its how I have survived that its just a part of me. but I thought that would just have a woman want me all the more because she would see that I live my life not giving up on anything.
In life, I push my self to be everything I can possibly achieve. I tire the shit out of myself just trying to be stable and secure in life and I never take a break from myself. All my friends have gotten married or have kids, and I have never had a female I could even consider a Girlfriend, even though I treated them extremely well. I learned the hard-way for them it was more of a comfort sex pal. most guiys would love this, but not me I still have that dream of being a family that truly loves each other. but I guess those days are a thing of the past in our society.
Employment: too many factors
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For most people Employment is on a low and I share the same status. However its even harder when you have to inform your interviewer you are physically handicapped. this is painful just to have to admit that and then face that they will most likely hire somebody who isnt as bad off. kinda makes a person wish they were never born.
So you probably wonder where happines comes in to this. happiness is quite simply feeling love from friends and family. The simpler things in life make me happy like taking a walk in the woods alone or with a friend. being playful by nature helps. getting a hug from a friend male or female. getting a friendly kiss on the cheek from a female friend.
The most important things that truly make me happy are not selfish but rather giving. I love helping someone that needs a shoulder to cry on or just simply buying somebody dinner when I can afford it with nothing expected in return.
