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I love you. R.I.P

Its been a while since Ive just let my feelings spill all over the place and I really need it right now. I havent talked much to anyone about whats been on my mind,its to the point just thinking about it makes me physically ill. I guess its because Ive only been through this once in my life and it wasn't anything like this so I really dont know the best way to get through it. What Ive been doing isnt healthy,just holding it in. Putting this fake smile on my face and hiding behind weed smoke,anything to cloud my messy mind. See my grandmother died a few weeks ago and up until that day she had been the single most important,loving,graceful,strong,wonderful person I have ever known. She has taught me so much in my life that I will forever be grateful to her. She taught me to be strong. She taught me to be respectful. She taught me how to use my mind to reach every goal I set for myself. She taught me that no matter how bad you have it,someone else has it worst,never complain about what you dont have but cherish what you do. But most of all she taught me how to love with an open heart and a logical mind. She always told me follow my heart even if it leads me to the desert because my mind will always lead me back to the forrest. She was so beautiful inside and out. I always thought she was the most intellegent woman alive always with her quick witty remarks that always got a smirck out of me. She was a true smartass. Even in her most sick of days,without her normal ensamble of well primped hair,makeup and the best of her jewls her sense of humour never escaped her. She was a strong woman,never afraid of what was ahead. I will never forget her or the things shes taught me. My grandmother. My friend. My hero. I love and miss you always. <3 Ashers. Talking about her always brings out tears. I told everyone how my life would be without her..lacking. I miss her so much. Even though I was prepared for it,I knew it was comming somehow I just wasnt prepared enough. I cant call her anymore. Thats the hardest thing. This christmas will be the first without her and its going to be rough. I havent really cried about it or talked about it I guess thats my way to deal. I know my mother needs me but I just cant sit and talk to her about it,I dont want to keep reliving it. I guess I want to pretend its not true. Thats unhealthy I suppose but what else can I do. Take it day by day...thats all I can do.
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