Well its been over three weeks and still feel like im living in a dream. I dont know which way to turn .. For those of you who dont know I lost my long term partner suddenly. She had been well apart from a few what the doctors called
minor heart attacks, they only just registered as attacks. Well after the first one Jo was given an angioplasty, a little shunt put inside her heart to unblock w partially closed vein in her heart. Hey she has a heart I had joked to
some work mates, i used jokes throught out this period as it was my only way to deal with what was going on. It was only two years ago 15 march we had a little boy together after a very hard pregnancy, we went thru hell but after 4 days
he died. We then went thru this second part of hell the questions about if we could have done anything to hace avoided it. For a long time it was just one long numb dream. We then found that Jo was pregnant again this time from the
moment of her first scan , which was very early on for the specialist to sort out a correct cause of action. Jo had to endure heparin injections every day ,and its something I wont forget as I gave her every one bar one. We watched with
hope to start with from what the Specialist called our weevle from the first heartbeat and a sac to seeing every part of the baby appear. The specialist a Mr Simpson was a godsend to both me and Jo and helped with making us feel that
little but more secure. We both counted the weeks gone and to go. Its funny this time should have been the happiest in our lives but after loosing Liam after four days and also another baby after 14 weeks before liam looking forward
wasnt an option. Thinking back our whole relationship was one of anticipation for the future. On the 7th of September 2006 Samuel John Davies-Kelso was born by cesarian section by Mr Simpson and this time I was there. For liam I Had
been at the hospital but had to let my sister go in with Jo, I just couldnt face theat moment I had been too weak.With Samuel tho, this was different, I couldnt let Jo go thru that herself so my fears had to be put away, and to be
honest just dont do that as it does come back and it does hurt. He was bigger than what the doctors had hoped for and it was one of them life stopping moments. hos eyes his size his huge penis, no wait they hadnt cut the cord yet. We
could tell now that this is where we could get sorted and live something like a normal life. We had the usual arguments and the usual quiet periods. We have been heavily in debt but we were a family of four and a pussy cat. This was a
cool time, Peter was going to be going to go upto the high school soon and he was very ecited. Peter was Jos son and i had known him for well over six years. People say you dont love another like you love your own, BULLSHIT. He is like
a son to me and I loved all the time we had together.I even hated it when I had to tell him off. Peter played with sam everytime he came home from school for hours, a better brother Samuel could never want. When I got home from work Sam
would be on Jo either asleep or playing. If he saw me the biggest and best smile you could ever come home to was there on his face. It was about four ish months and could be longer when Jos problems started. from the time of the first
shunt to having it replaced a month later as it was the wrong size for what she needed. It;s not the matter of the wrong size shunt but the pain Jo went through each time she had these so called minor attacks. Jo had the second shunt
put in and hey hopefully if it happens at least the careing people att he hospital would be there, but on the second hospital visit when going into the emergency ward when the doctors were going thru the initilal tests one doctor made a
comment that annioyeed Jo so much, "she probably isnt taking her medication". This hurt Jo so much as not only had she reliably taken her meds throught out not the pregnancy of Samuel but the heart problem too. "Check my meds theyre
in that bag" Jo had said back. But no another Ignorant professional chose to engage the mouth before checking the problem and what could be the cause. They Found the shunt had been incorrect and had caused a thrombosis (Clot) in the
vein just after the shunt. Yhis had caused a bigger heart attack than the last one but apparently still not major. So at this point Jo was at a very low point and out relationship was suffering. We had bills on bills and so we went thru
life just living together but apart. She wanted a hug, I didnt think she would want one from a loser like me. About a month ago jo had woken up and saidher pain was back... Felt slightlly different this time. I was on the phone in a
flash, This time however i got throught straight away as my phone worked. The first time Jo had an attack my Son Samuel had been playing with my phone and had sucked the screen and keys which now rendered it useless. I had to search the
house for a working phone putting my sim in as I went , sim not supported said one, no service another phone said. Where the hell did all these damn phones come from, do we really need mroe than one. Oh wait yeah we do if Sams around.
In the end I found one that worked. This time tho the ambulance had arrived quickly and went throught procedure. Jo will be in ward #. She would go into emergency and by the time I had got Sam ready in the morning (no point in waking
Sam and going in with Jo as hours would pass before geting to a ward), Then I would text Jo and she would let me know the actual ward and I would go in. Shewould be in a ward that wouldnt allow babys in, wish they had put that on the
website the firstome jo was In this ward as when I went in then they turned me away and i was seething. I had walked out from the hospital to calm down then ring Jo. She had Heard the conversation on the intercom and gone madand said
if they didnt allow us on she would leave, they asked us to return and the head nurse explained to me the policy even tho she would allow us on this time. "Pity you dont put it on the door or on the wards website" I had checked just in
case these rules existed and as they were not in the rules had taken Sam to see his mum. She did appologise. This time I knew the rules andtold jo in a meassage I would wait at the door for her and we would go downstairs for a short
while. When I got there she was in a steaming modd and had a go at me. "Whoa wait hun i hadnt changed what was going onm we know the ward rules and had said we were going to take a small walk". She want back to the ward and i went to
the lifts to cool down. Jo followed with her bag and said that she was leaving hospital and had got her meds. This time she had not given them up to the doctors as she had a blue book with all drugs and doesesthat she was on. She did
this as the last time in it took 8 hours for them o find her own meds that she had given to them on admittance. We were quiet on the way out when the truth of why she had snapped came out. The same doctor who had said to her about not
taking her meds was her doctor this time. She wasnt one to hold a grudge but wouldnt also allow a misjustice. "You owe me an apology", she had sais "you said i hadbt taken my meds but it was proved that the shunt size was wrong". He
just ignored her. He then cxame back and asked her to pull up her top. Without asking u=if she was pregnannt he just gave her an injection in her abdomen region. He then made out a some notes for the meds team for her dose while there,
he also got that wrong. Jo had asked him then to read her ble book as he had got the dose wrong. No wonder she hadnt wanted to stay. 10 august Jo was unwell and went upstairs to bed for a while. I kept going up checking on her. Chest
pains are back she had said. Not as bad as before but there. ALso an ache in her arms. SHe had been taking her spray aswell and i asked if she was going to be ok. Yes ill just see what happens and if it gets worse ill let you know. Jo
came down a few hours later and said she was a little better but still in a little pain. She then got the bwl and was sick, sorry you had to see that she had said always the same thinking of others. We then went to bed. In the morning
we got up and jo for once had a spring in her step. We had a talk the day before via email with me at work and Jo at home. We had a few things sorted and I felt slightly easier. We shared a laugh with my borhter who had just turned up
for us to go shoping. I went upstairs, looking for something adn to be quite honest I dont know what. From downstairs i heard a great crash amd the my brother shouted "BOBBY" ... How chilling can your own name sound ; I don't know how
many steps I took downstairs not many. I got by the side of Jo and looked at her eyes were moving around confused, "GET THE AMBULANCE".Even after trainingfor an emergency you could never say how you will reqact, but here was a women i
loved who had had two of my sons and who had been hell and back with me and she needed help fast. Jo beacme uneesponsive, breathing but unconscious. I moved her into the recovery position "Stay with me Jo" i remember saying "stay with
us" This is when jo stopped breathing. I just threw her over, head back I took a deep breath and pushed my breath deep into her mouth watching her cheast expand. Funny how the dummies you practise on are so much harder to inflate, or is
it that with someone you love you just try that little bit harder. In my mind I could only think is this how I was taught, id this the right amount of breaths. I looked down her chest agiain to see if there was movement, this time
there was so I stoped the breathing and lisetened, "She seems to be breathing" I remember saying to my brother who was on the phone still to the ambulance people. "Get sam" he had been left on the sofa oblivious to what was happening.
My brother picked him uip. I looked back to Jo . "She has stopped breathing again" shouted. Back to the breathing ," tilt her head back they said" Tom yelled . " tell them that i am trained as a first aider and to get here quick, i
need to use compressions." She hadnt started breathing in that magic minute. Now time was against us. I found The corect part of Jos chest and pushed down as hard as I could. "they said if you get tired for me to take over" tom had
said. I wasnt going to run out of energy now, I just couldnt. "Im fine" i said " if you have finished with the ambulance call Shaz" The back to the breathing, allsorts went through my mind,what do I do without you if you Die. I just
kept ont and kept on. "Move over ill take over" a new voice and some hope at last, how much like an angel the first paramedic looked. I stood back adn thngs started to become blurred. The ambulance appeared just a few seconds later.
followed by my sister.One big blur lots going on from the charging noise of the heart shock machine to the "CLEAR" from the paramedic. I Could not tell you what happens in full, I just dont know.The rapid response paramedic took me in
her car to the hospital, we went and bookd Jo in. We then went around to the emergency area where I was put into a room. the nurse in chargecame in and explained that Jos heart had not been started and that they were trying a bit
longer but if nothing happened soon then they would have to stop." Would you like to be there".... "No" I said.... I already new my Jo had gone...
I not only lost Jo that day,i also lost a son in Peter as he was with his father down south. He was supposed to start his new school soon. His Dad has him in a school down there. which he starts next week. Im numb. I lost too much and
even tho I have Sam there i have more than one hole in my heart. Be good, there has to be something brighter in the future.
