I have decided to swear off dating for at least 6 months.
I am sick of relationships and tired of dating. Maybe i am spoiled or my standards are highter then they used to be. I know that my priorities have changed since I have had my son. Before physical attraction was what would compel me to seek something in the arms of that person without thoughts about would he be a good life partner, husband, provider, etc. As long as we had that chemistry I worried about all those other aspects later when things started to die down and then I would look in wonder or in horror at who I had chosen to spend countless hours and intimacies with. I guess that goes with the luxuries of being young. You have time to spend carelessly. You don't have to be so choosy or particular about things. You chalk it up to a mistake, a learning experience or a oh well it wasnt menat to be and you move on and on and on.
But somewhere in all of this, you start to want more. More than the fun, the three month affairs, or a few years with someone. You want longevity. You want to stop moving, stop rushing and just stand still and be adn you want someone who will stand still with you and appreciate the quieter and simpiler times. The times that defines the realness and the rawness of life. Those times when you are hurting and you have the pleasure of being able to reach out your hand and know that person is going to be there to take it.
I have been against marriage for a long time now but I am starting to see the benefits of what it could mean to have someone that loves you no matter what, that fights for you, supports you and wants to grow old with you.
I am not saying I want that right now but I see why people look for it and keep hoping that they will find it and when it doesnt work they still go on searching for that perfect mate for them. I can understand that. I even wanted it once. I almost had it but something kept me from making that final step to wedded bliss or not so.
Who am I kidding? Something? Try hundreds of somethings. I wasn't ready, I wasnt sure, he wasn't worthy, he wasnt right for me, I wasnt good enough, I might fail, he didnt love me enough, I didnt trust him, etc.
It has been a few years since then and I have learned to love doing things on my own. I have become to pride that about myself. I have found I can be a good mother and business woman without a man. The feeling of accomplishment and independene I feel is a rewarding warm rush of love towards myself. When things go right, when I am the one tht solves a problem, or struggle through the hard times and come out better and stronger. I get to take full credit. And I don't have to share my son with someone else. Selfish? YES absolutely selfish but he is my son. He has a dad that i have to share him with already. And when I date or get in a relationship with someone I have to take time away from my son. To quote Aerosmith " I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want a miss one thing." that is how I feel. I have one child and they grow up so fast and I already missed so much when I was working all the time. Time I can never get back and becasue of that I have vowed to myself that I am not going to miss out ever again on being there for my son and cherishing all the big moments as well as the everyday simple ones.
Some people don't feel this way about thier kids. Some parents don't sacrafice or change anything about themselves when they become parents. Some single moms I know would rather be with a man even if they don't really love him because they can't stand to be alone or they feel that they can't take care of their children by themselves. Some women are happier having a man in thier life and feel more loved and complete when they do. That is the beauty of this world. We have choices. we all have different needs and desires and they are all fine.
In my situation, maybe I have been alone too long, and won't be able to blend my life easily with someone elses. Or I will have developed too much independence and not be able to compromise my freedom. Or maybe I will have developed some really strange habits that the other person won't be able to deal with...
Ideally it would be nice if I could find someone who loves my independent free spirited and quirky self, someone who has been looking for someone like me to add to his life- alittle chaos, alittle craziness, alot of strange habits and alot of love. Love that I have been storing up and saving to give to that one guy?
I guess I do still have some hope in here somewhere.
But for now I will just stay single.
