Thank a soldier's blog: "life"

as i sit here with tears falling out of my eyes.. i am approaching the 6 mth anv of my mom dead. Funny when she died the first thing i said was she wasnt suppose to leave me. I knew know that she did i would hae to deal with everything in my life. See she was sick for a long while and it helped cover everything around me cuz i was a care taker. It let me let go of friendship and laughter and deal with the guy i was dating. I let me shield myself from the world in a lot of ways. I lost my best friend! the one that i went to for everything. the one that didnt judge me no matter what i did. the one that would throw my 20 bucks cuz she wanted her grandkids to go to dinner that night and knew a single mother just cant make ends meet in this world. I didnt want to deal with life.. face what was happening.. basically think..

i was dating this guy from fl. well he lived here.. when we dated 20 yrs ago but funny after 20 yrs nothing had changed.. i didnt notice it till March.. too me three months to get my head on right lol.. Needless to say drinking everyday a 12 pack.. well i was thinking he has his own issues of not facing the real world.. maybe that is why it worked at the time.. neither of us really wanted to face anything.. lol.. kinda loser status to me.. very unlike me.

also i didnt have  the best relationship with my dad and i knew my mom dyin was going to force that.. i thought it would be a lot harder to work past things but we do seem to talk more then we did. we have an ok relationship now.

I just after the ex and his bull and the ex bf and his bull and losing my mom.. can figure how to open my heart again. Kind of strange i thought i would be real lonely and wanting that but i cant feel that.. maybe i dont want to feel that.. i dont know! just needed to vent a little.. guess i will think it out more and update lol gotta get to work.. im out!