Courtesy of MsTags.com
Life after domestic violence is not the happy experience that people think it is. You have to go through each day one step at a time. Your whole life for how ever long you endured the violence was your existence; you did not know anything else. Everything that you suffered during that time over shadowed what life really was supposed to be.
Coming to terms with the fact that you are a person, that you are not the useless human being that you were made to feel is the most difficult first step.
For months or years you have been a no-body, someone not worth looking at or even someone to know. How do you start to rebuild your life? To be honest this is a struggle that I am going through every day, I still feel worthless even though I know that I have a purpose in life and that’s not to be bullied or battered by someone who claims they love me. I am yet to find what my purpose in life is.
To start with my struggle began with just getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day even though filled with peace. I was looking over my shoulder all the time expecting harsh words, a flying fist or something even worse, my X-husband threatened to kill me and my son in a car bomb of his making. So the journey to work was terrifying. Thoughts enter your mind; perhaps he came to the house in the middle of the night and fixed the car like he said he would, maybe when I’m out walking the dog he will be held up in the hedgerow waiting to shoot me like he threatened. You can not stop the thoughts going through your head no matter how many times you tell yourself its ok.
Logic tells you he has been judged by the law and sentenced; he has been punished and wouldn’t dare to do anything now, its high profile, if anything bad happened to me or my son now surely he would be a suspect right away and justice will be served. But would it?
My god how safe am I? Am I to go through the rest of my life in fear that he may want to punish me for getting him arrested?
People say time heals, how much time? It’s like I’m spending my days thinking about him and what he could have done and what he could do. Is this a normal reaction to post traumatic stress caused by all that has happened leading to his arrest.
Yes I am under the doctor taking anti-depressants and also have on stand-by some very strong pills for my nerves. Do I need to be them? The answer is yes. You need help from your GP, an understanding one always helps. Family who support you is also something that you need. With these foundations you can start to live a normal life.
One thing I found to be very helpful is talking, talking to your family and GP openly about what happened to you brings relief, and if your family are strong and can tolerate you repeating yourself as you will do, you will recover faster that you can imagine. But on the down side there is the fact that you really find out who in your family really care about you, because the ones that do care stay around and help out, the ones who don’t give a dam stay away and show no signs of sympathy. Sometimes that’s a hard fact to face, and when you are at your lowest it hurts like hell.
I was offered counseling, but I chose not to take it, why you ask, well I really could not see myself talking to a complete stranger about private things. I’m not saying that it does not work, it’s was not for me, counseling sometimes is the only option a person has and it works for them, I’m not knocking it.
Talking believe it or not it the best healer, getting it off your chest, although talking about what happened is extremely hard. You have so many mixed emotions you feel like you are drowning. Telling small bits at a time to start with helps to get you going, its better to do it that way rather than it all pouring out in a garbled rush. Once you start to feel comfortable it will flow, it’s like a stress release value. It’s a wonderful feeling to vent even though you will feel totally exhausted.
It took a lot of weeks before I went through the day and had maybe just one thought of my X-husband. But I knew there was more to come; I hadn’t finished the emotional rollercoaster just yet.
Those days are filled with the thoughts of; what would it be like with him now? Do I love him or not? Would he be different? Or would he still be the same guy who messed up my life and made it a living hell? Could I go back to him? You miss him then you don’t, you hate him, you like him. What a total mess you feel, when will it stop?
I have been through thoughts of guilt, I was guilty because I got him arrested, and I made him go through the courts. But do you know what it was the best thing I have ever done for me and my son. He needed to be stopped, there was no saying how far his threats would have gone, and he could have killed both me and my son if I had chosen to do nothing.
Then you move onto the other thoughts and feelings you have, how do I start again with regards to finding a loving caring man to share your life with. Too be honest that’s a hard one. Where do you start? When do you start? It’s not easy; I have no clue how to get back onto the dating circuit. It’s too hard to think about. I can not begin to imagine sharing my life ever again with another man. How critical will you be? How unapproachable will you be? Will you ever trust men again? I really can not answer that. At this point in my recovery I can not say for certain that I will ever share my life with someone. I don’t want to be alone, I want to share my remaining years with someone who loves me unconditionally, but is there one out there? Can I ever find total happiness? Will I ever trust and love again?
Moving on and rebuilding your life to start with is tough and probably harder than actually living with an abuser, but it does get easier each and every day because you over come the problems at your pace, you do it in your time, no pressure. Never give up the hopes and dreams that you had before domestic violence, they can come to us if we are patient. Well that’s what I have to tell myself every day.
Thanks to those special members of my family who took the time to help me through my crisis, they took the time to listen and saved me from the totally dark despair into which I was rapidly falling. My parents and my son were my life line; also the support from a few close friends saved me from being a long time dead. The support from the police and women’s refuge were also a great instrument in my survival. Do not be a victim any longer gather yourself and turn to someone you can trust and ask for help, you will get it if you are strong enough to follow it through.
I did just that and I am better for it. I am proud of myself and my son in the way we both handled the awful steps we had to take for the sake of our safety and sanity. But now it is time for us to work at a better life, and to follow our dreams to a happy, peaceful and loving conclusion.
