As per your requirements, I feel I have been more than compliant in the 'being good' category. This year, per my resolution last year, I did not beat anyone senseless, held my temper when I would have been justified in speaking up, and I have actually performed more than one good deed.
Now, as the contract states, you are obligated to visit my home and at least attempt to deliver some of what I would like for Christmas.
Here is my requests:
1) 6 Full sized working replica civil war
artillery pieces. Should these be
unavailable, you can substitute 1940's
era 105mm howitzers.
2)10,000 Rounds of ammunition for the above items.
3) 1 Cadcam computer and combination lathe
and boring machine with a 72 inch boring
4) 500 Pieces of cold rolled steel bar stock in
various diameters from .75 inches to 1
5) 1 brass press and shaping machine.
6) 1case M1A rifles with composite stocks.
7) 1case Ar15 rifles, 7.62 nato caliber.
7a) 20000 rounds ammo for each weapon in the above
8) 90tons building material to construct a secure
home, with proper filters and shielding
for NBC events.
9) 1 Woman, ages between 18 and 35 who will
madly and hopelessly in love with me.
(Okay, I know this item will require the
use of a hypnotist and possibly
10) Serv. Someone to explain to the misguided and
clearly mentally deficient social
security judge that he is not smarter
than the medical specialists who have
declared me disabled.
Now, in my opinion, none of these requests are too great. In fact sir, clearly these requests are much more reasonable than some of a few years ago.
You will notice that I did not request a large
quantity of uncut diamonds valued at 300 million, although, that would have been much easier to deliver.
You will also note that I did not request automatic weapons, and the amount of building material requested would build a structure with living space for at least 60 people, clearly my plan is not to provide for just myself, but my friends and family as well.
If you cant get the rest of the stuff, just bring me the woman.