EmpressOfDarkness's blog: "For my mom"

For as long as I can remember you were there. My earliest memory was of when I had a nightmare and went in to wake you up, I was about 4. I ran from your room, into the bathroom crying hysterically. You came into to find me and asked me what was wrong. I turned to you, with tears streaming down my face and cried, "I saw your bum!"

You laughed as you replied, "Well yes, I have a bum, the same as you. It's not like you've not seen it before. You've come in when I have been in the bathroom."

"Yeah, but I saw the whole thing!" What did a 4 year old know about a parents body? It was traumatizing. Not to mention killer on your sex life apparently. 

Years later when I reminded you of that story, we had a big laugh over it. There were so many things that happened that I could call to my memory in an instant that would remind me of how we'd laugh (the water fights in the basement, or the wheelchair races you'd try to stop in the basement. Even the time for Andie's 16th party when we put the 3 cases of coke inside the freezer instead of beside it.) 

You would always call me up for silly things, like if it was raining (what was with that anyway?) did you just want to talk? Now when it rains I go to pick up the phone and call you, only to remember that you won't pick up on the other end. When I came home from the pool yesterday with the kids, after all the fun we had, I wanted to call you and tell you about it. Then I remembered... you're not there. I remember how when I got married, I had you and dad walk me down the aisle because I wanted you to be a part of it. How beautiful you looked that day. How proud I was that you stood up with me, in spite of the fact that you didn't want me to marry him. You kept your concerns and fears to yourself on that day because you wanted me to be happy. Yet, when my marriage ended a year later, you stood by me again and I didn't have to question it. You were just there. 

Through all the good times and especially the bad, you were there. You made me laugh and cry, frustrated me to no end. At times it would tick me off because I would realize something that you had told me would wind up being right. You usually were. I hated that growing up, then when I became a mother, I looked forward to being able to 'be right' with my kids. 

Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. It won't hurt as much. It hurts like a B****! Seeing you that way, it was so wrong. When I talked to the coroner today, she told me that there was nothing that could have been done. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't the doctors fault. It was no one's fault. I'm just supposed to accept that somehow and move on. How the hell am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go visit dad and be ok walking into that house again knowing you will never be there? I am supposed to just accept this and let go. I'm supposed to let go of the pain and let you rest. 

This is BULL! I don't know how to do that. How am I supposed to let go of the person who saved my sanity on more that one occasion. How am I supposed to say goodbye to the woman who was the first person to make me not feel like a failure. I can't. 

I was told that writing to you would help. It's not. It just makes me more mad that I don't get to hug you and call you to sing Lionel Richie off key whenever I want to. You were my best friend and I am not ok that you're gone.