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Do you hide when Jehovah witnesses knock on your door?
I have multiple options here, depending on how annoyed or busy I am.
My favorite is answer shirtless with my scars exposed in baggy pants (often with my hooha nearly exposed- or comical boxers)
and I leave the screen door shut because I love signaling my dog and having her jump up eye level and pawing and barking at the glass trying to get a piece of peddler.
I once answered mormons in the middle of having sex, and had my straw hat over my bits, covered in sweat and claw marks, my ex screaming for me to hurry up and come back.
Mostly for the sake of the story.

Tell me about your dancing style?
Samba.
I dunno- I actually have a good sense of rhythm but I'm VERY self conscious when I dance, unless I'm drunk, relaxed, or having a blast-  I don't dance. Used to just be the robot the batousee and the monkey- now I kinda got the flow.


Do you have any family traditions?
Yeah. Mostly running from the cops and listening to banjo music- but also blowing shit up and speaking my mind.


Honestly, do you laugh when people trip for no reason?
Fuck yes. That shit is hilarious.


What is your most used cuss word?
Fuck- I once used it in as many ways as possible in a single sentence
with my mother in the car.


Do you think it looks silly when people wear socks with sandals?
unless they've got wooden legs.


How many speeding tickets have you talked your way out of?
Under a dozen, and the 200lb dog in the back helped. I honestly was going through some serious shit everytime I was pulled over, but then again- I am about 90% of the time.


If you wake up late, is the rest of your day ruined?
Probably- but I tend to willfully stay laid back so I just take the rest of the day off with a big bag of fuck-it and a bottle of blues.


Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
whichever's closest to the door.


Name the seven dwarf's
Dopy Bashful Doc Sleepy Sneezy Grumpy Happy

When you bend over, can you touch your toes?
Yup, and I can put my knees behind my head.
I was in karate and fencing y'know.
Flexibility was an issue.


What kind of drunk are you?
Raging. Depressed. Depressed. Humpy-boisterous.


What is the most difficult thing you've ever had to overcome?
Toss up between reconstructing my arm, my daily struggle with dystopia since I was 7, and recent bullshit that has completely dislodged my professional and interpersonal life.


How do you feel about rainy days?
I love them. If I have models I put em together, if I have a lover I have thunderstorm sex. If I have a book I read it, if I have a porch and a straw hat, I sit on one. If the game's on I watch it.


Do you think that people mistake your kindness for a weakness?
I used to be an unconditional puppy. Now, I'm really fuckin fed up with bein taken advantage of. People tend to get several warnings from me
then I come down on them like cerberous on a limping dead pedophile.

Can you cook?
Yes
but I can't bake yet. Well... I make kickass biscuits.

What is your best dish?
*scratches his head* depends which cousine
French- Beef stew with rice (its not as simple as it sounds)
Italian- probably carbonara- though my pesto and alfredo are becoming comparably honed
Indian- chickpea pure' and lamb curry with mango rice and fennel naan, working on a green curry next.
Mexican- Chile Rojo
Spanish- chorizo with garbanzo salsa and sweet peppers
Chinese- inside-out fried rice with sweet and spicey sauce.
German- still working on it.

Have you ever eaten anything disgusting for money?
tons, me and my brother dared each other on that stuff monthly.
we'd make the sickest spicerack cocktails possible.


Has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you?
Frequently.
...
Frequently.


Do you know anyone who is a pathological liar?
Yeah.


What about bi-polar?
True bi-polar? Two.
Claiming bi-polar several thousand.


Is there anyone you know that deserves to get bitch slapped?
I know people that outright deserve to have their hands cut off.
This is kiddy shit.


Why do people drive slow in the fast lane?
Because they're old, inattentive, pokey, or afraid of cars vroom vroom.


What is something interesting your best friend would tell us about you?
I say a lot of seemingly crazy shit in a joking matter- that later turns out to be true.


Is it ever ok for people to marry their second cousin?
I hear banjos, and not in the good way.


How many real sit-ups can you do in a minute?
30?


Have you ever eaten a crayon?
not a whole one.


What is the best pick up line you've ever heard?
"Wanna fuck?" Worked -nearly- every time.


Have you ever found anything gross in your parents bedroom?
Oh DEAR God. Repressed memories galore.


Besides a toilet, where was the last place you peed?
the side of the road.


Would you rather be a porn star or a prostitute?
same thing.
Think about it... think about it...
same thing.


Would you rather have cookies and milk or crackers and juice?
Parsnips and milk.
... no really I'm having some right now.

If your body odor was a food scent, what would you want to smell like?
Garlic- I smell like it anyway from handling it shredded.
If I had my choice though tea or roasted coffee beans.
I'd always smell well aged and full-bodied. With just a splash of exoticism.


Have you ever missed someones hand in a high five?
Oh my yes.


Last brand of shoes you had on?
Converse Chuck Taylor low-tops
bitches.


Favorite candy bar?
Three musketeers.


Where was the last bruise you got on yourself?
Probably the edge of my eye and nose.

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HeartbrokenThey want my soul, good thing I never had one.
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