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My life is governed almost entirely by chaos. It seems to be where I accomplish the most. I discovered that I'm only able to stay put if I don't have a piece of earth to stand on. My relationships are hard and fast, my jobs are faster, and my residence in any city lasts only for a few months at a time. So why do I have this crazy urge to settle down?

Fact: I left Portland to escape the stagantion of my existence. Every day, up at 0300, to work by 0430, and if I hadn't finished a Rockstar AND a cup of "coffee" from my thermos, nobody would speak to me. Get off work at around 1530 and either go to Tae Kwon Do, or go to the strip joint. Weekends: Clubs, whether I was DJ-ing or not. BOOOORING!

Fact turned Fiction: Leaving makes it better. I discovered this little cycle a long time ago, when I left the safety of my parents at 13. I've traveled to all 50 states, Canada, Mexico (almost to the southern tip,) and Australia. Most of this by thumb or railcar. I never liked to stay in Portland very long, but would always end up back there. My favorite places to go were New Orleans and San Francisco, but I would often just stick out my thumb without knowing where I was heading. The point is, it's great fun, if you're an escapist.

Fact: Two main factors in running off are failed relationships and failed jobs. Seems petty? My most recent girlfriend has no idea how badly she cut me down. I was just walking down the street earlier when I thought of her. What came next was embarrassing as hell, and left my friend wondering just what he'd taken on in letting me move to Denver. As to jobs: go where there's money.

Now for the big point. I fucking hate it. All of it. I can't stand not being able to trust anyone enough to not hurt me emotionally. I can't live well if I'm too busy running around. I certainly can't afford to keep quitting jobs to get better ones, because eventually there won't be any. So how the hell do I fix this? I mean, I could try to settle down, but then I'd want to be where I can do EVERYTHING I lke. I've never been to a place like that. The US is a great big playground, where I can camp, skate, bike, drink, club, work, screw, etc., but any particular city doesn't have all of it.

...

Wait... I want it all... I SURE AS FUCK WANT IT ALL!!!! Gimme that cake! Bring me wine and wenches! Nothing can stop my happiness if I have everything that makes me happy! ... ... ........

*sigh*

You understand, I don't really feel that way. Actually, I kinda feel like the sad clown, the downtrodden hero and the prodigal savant all in one. I know I won't be happy just by those things, but that thought alone makes me depressed. What do I do now? Who wants to help me regain my "dignity" and my "sanity"? How EXACTLY do I stop fucking around, and get it done?


-Arthur Bartlett

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