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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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How to be a good Wife
Excerpted from a 1950’s High School Home Economics Textbook
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal in time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Prepare the children: take a few minutes to wash thier hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chairor suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
THE GOAL: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
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PLEASE RATE THIS FOR ME!
PLEASE RATE THIS FOR ME!
Two little old ladies were sitting on
a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said,
'Life is so boring. We never have any fun
any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady,
holding up a $10 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled
her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked (as fast
as an old lady can) through the front door
of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard
a huge commotion inside the hall, followed
by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady
came through the exit door surrounded
by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement'.
THE OUTHOUSE PLEASE RATE FOR ME
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is,now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
please rate this for me!
SEX AND THE ELDERLY......
The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the
doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do
you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband, “she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred
times....What we have is
Blue
Cross!"
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
TOP 10 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SLAVE SAY TO MASTER/MISTRESS
THANKS JOANNE! LOL
10: How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
09: Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
08: Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
07: God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
06: And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
05: Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps.
04: Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
03: Who died and left you in charge?
02: Do your own damn laundry!
and the #1 thing you will never hear a sub say to their Master...
01: What do I look like, your maid?
