Well, when a Brutha is short on time and doesn’t have an idea of what to write about, you know what he does right???
He rambles!!
Sooooo…..
I’m leaving my house last night cuz I have no effin social life cuz Riley Bugg won't play wit a nikka and Nich Boogie is out frolickin and shyt....and Sarah is janky, Angie is M.I.A., and Carrie has too many issues to be bothered with the likes of me.....not too mention Katie callin me pushy and banishing me to the friend zone....what.tha.fuck.evar.....but anyway....I decide to stroll down to the street to one of my neighborhood bars and pass the time.....Granted I have only been out three times since thanksgiving but damn..... I’m inclined to think that Midtown doesn’t really care about Black people since everytime I come to the bars here, there ain’t shit to do.
Upon arrival I upgraded from well bourbon to Jack Daniels. I hadn't treated myself in a while.....and as I step into the seating area.....there is a new white hippie chick serving drinks in my section..... standing at the entrance to the booth section to ensure only folks buying drinks get to sit down there.
So when I approached her:
Her: Can I help you?
Me: Nah, I just wanna slide by you to get to my seat.
Her: This is the dining section.
Me: Yeah, I know. I have the seat by the window.
Her: Oh. Umm. Well… uhh.
*and then she gives me the once-over and surely wonders how this Black dude with baggy ass Davoucci jeans and a long sleeve Outkast shirt could roll up in this frou frou (notsomuch) bar*
Me: Not to worry, I’m a rapper.
Her: Oh!! My son likes that stuff! He won’t believe me when I tell him I met … *looking at my shirt*…. Out…kast.
Dumb hoe....... Just shut up and bring me a drink........ Man, she’s like school on a Saturday….. no class.
LOL! Remember when that little muhfucka on Fat Albert used to say that shit all the time???
That shit is hilarious!
And those sorts of little quips have application in so many situations!! What?!! You disagree?? You don’t think the shit is funny?? Ah well…. ya’ll know I’m crazy anyway. I’m kinda like a roll of dollar bills…. no cents.
LOL SEE!!!!..... That’s funny!!..... See, because dollar bills don’t have cents, and I don’t have any sense… and them two shits sound alike so… ya know… it’s jokes!!
It’s funny! Want me to do another one?? NO?!?!? See!! Ya’ll some haters! Ya’ll are like George Bush and Black people…. no love.
That’s ok though, later on today you’ll be laughin about this shit and asking me to do some more of these and I’ll just reply like Little Miss Muffet’s scared ass…. “no whey.” LOL..... Get it? .......‘Cause whey and way sound alike and….. ok, that was corny...... What??........ Why ya’ll looking at me Gwen Stefani…. No Doubt.
Oh ok,…. I see how ya’ll doin me........ That’s cool....... When you start screamin, “Kav you better update your blog,” I’ll just be like a game of BlackJack….. “no dice.” LMAO!
Ok ok ok ok…. for real ya’ll I’m done!! I’m like Bruce Willis …. no Moore.
And man…..Speakin of Moore..... Ashton married Demi’s old ass huh??
I guess that’s called a May-December relationship.
I kinda like that because it isn’t calling a muhfucka old… just seasoned.
It makes me wonder if we can apply that shit to other types of relationships.
Like, ok, May-December describes a realtionship where one person is significantly younger than the other.
Like one person is May because they are in the “spring” of life, while the other person is December and in the “winter” of life. Clever.
So like….. what would an interracial relationship be?? I’m thinking it should be a January-July relationship…. because January is white as fuck with all the snow and shit and the sun is so hot in July that you get black as fuck from the sun!! White-Black equals January-July.
And gay relationships??? Clearly those should be June-June… you ever seen a depiction of the Gemini zodiac???? (I'm a Gemini but Nulles to any John Amechi shyt).......Two same sex folks hugged up…. exactly.
Booty calls…. oh… those are easily February-October relationships simply because February is the shortest month and October is for Scorpios who everyone knows like to fuck like the shit is going out of style....
Speakin of style, I recently read that teenagers nowadays are engaging in more casual oral sex because they believe it’s less intimate than stroking.
Wait a got-dayum minute… YES… kids think oral sex is not REAL sex (thanks Bill) and even more than that… they think it’s no big deal.
*sigh* poor kids. That’s because clearly no one talks to them about sex… at great length.
Man, that’s some shit that just doesn’t compute to me.
I remember at that age I thought that fucking was cool…. but to eat pussy??? FUCK THAT!
Yall know by now I lost my virginity at 14.....damn molester 17 year old bitch took my shyt......she was all like "This is what you have to do to please a woman".....so me being a green ninth grader....I listened and took instruction like a good little boy.....
so Im chompin away......because surely shes gonna teach me the way to have sex right, huh?.........anyways......so Im one of the few dudes that can say I learned to go down on a chick the same day Il lost my virginity.....so all through HS.....I was getting mad play from the older chicks cuz I was slurpin the duggout.....I didnt know coochie was an aquired taste....I was eating it....cuz I thought foreplay was part of the formula from which I learned to seduce a woman. It took my boys and other chicks teasing the hell outta me in HS for about a good year before I learned I had been hood winked, bamboozled, led astray......when I found out I was so hurt.....I went on a strike......I was like one of those "clean teen" members on One Tree Hill....
I was almost 18 before I even thought that eatin coochie was natural again!
I mean, how is it appetizing to eat some shit that bleeds once a month and still ain’t dead??
I remember asking my first girlfriend who I lost my virginity to at 14 to suck the dizzle because I was curious to see what it felt like.
She told me “hell no” because she’d tried it once before and thought that dick tasted like mushrooms. .....LOL What kind of shit is that??
Especially after I'd feasted on her poon for the entire summer....that bytch! LOL
LOL ......anyhoo........At 17, I got my shit engulfed for the first time and I was kinda like “Oh, that’s it??” LOL......I'm lyin.....i was hooked like a muhfucka..... So then, shortly thereafter, I tried to resume my earlier mode of eating coochie for the first time after about two years and ummm… I almost died.
Because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, I had my face buried in the shit and damn near suffocated in the muhfucka.
I was all in the labium and shit and didn’t know a damn thing about where or how to do it right. Clit?? WTF is that?? LOL
Luckily, I figured the shit out and set out to become an expert at it…. but with my steady girl at the time!
None of this casual licking shit!! I don’t know where casual ass had been!!
Oral is definitely reserved for the special ones.....but if you are special...I'll eat it until I belch!
I mean, when it comes to licking random coochies just for the fuck of it, I’m like the Little Engine that Couldn’t….. no can-do.
hahaha....and since im back on those.....
Glancing at my zodiac sign….must get in touch with my inner bisexual/lesbian.
But my motto is never gonna be like a kidnapped Bond girl from the movie Goldfinger….No Pussy (Galore).
I read this shyt before I posted it and thought…mayne, I'm like an abandoned set of turntables at a Roc-a-Fella album release party…NO CLUE! Get it, HA?! ....well Im sure you fall out boy fans didnt.....
Sometimes peeps in memphriKKKa be treating a brova like Kid’s guest spot on Martin, U gots NO PLAY.
And it’s just what I needed as I’m sitting in this boring assed aprtment…. I’m used to do so much traveling that I was like that purple dinosaur Barney…. no mad. get it?? nomad… LOL
I just know that the next time I show up at that bar its gonna be overbooked and ask for volunteers to take a later table. Shit… I’ma be like -giving…. no thanks.
As for the overbooking, I'll just tell ‘em you like Morris Day on stage with a set of instruments…NO TIME!
LOL.....Exactly!!
Because I know that if I were to try and be kind and give up my seat, I’ll be like spandex on a fat woman…. (going) No Wear.
And me?? just sitting there waiting.....while she figured it out for a nikka?.........That’s like a bathroom without a scale and Indian genocide…. no weigh, no how. ....LOL I kill myself....
Well, if they push me any further about denying my seating situation.....Im gonna try to refrain from going out like my last caramel sundae from McDonalds…no nuts.
Shit, that’s like if the River Styxx dried up….. no way in Hell.
Ok … I think that’s enough for right now!!
Kinda like a Spanish Baptist Church…. no mass.
(like spanish and shit … no mas LMAO!! I’m bilingual with mines!!!)
that is all....
