im completely exhausted tonight. i was supposed to go visit nikki cuz she flew in from seattle but i had to work. we don't have enough employees. it was so busy and i worked with out stopping intell 530. i didnt have too many issues with the register, but at the end when we did shift change i had a hell of a time. i was so tired and passing out from not eating and not sitting down. alot of numbers didnt match up and such, but the person who was there helping me said she'd try and figure out what was wrong. *sigh* don't know i can keep doing this, but atleast the week isn't so busy. i just got so disorganized and thrown off guard and overwelmed.
i went for a walk tonight to try and clear my mind. started crying a little bit, not sure if it was from stress or thinking of ravyn or both. doreen is going to try and find someone with a windows cd i can use to reinstall it on the computer in my room so it works properly, my computer always says it has no memory and wont let me defrag. so i cant really work on my cd. and whats the point in killing myself working if i don't do anything in life i want to? i don't want to waste my life away like this just paying the bills to live continuing to work a job that exhausts me that i don't really want to do.
if im going to exhaust myself and such like this i need to have a reason for it. i dont want to do this forever its just all i can really do right now. i want to be a writer and musician. somehow i want to live off of that. i won't be drained and depressed by having to do something i enjoy. i atleast need something not so directly dealing with people because it just mentally and emotionally drains me so much. i'll deal with it, i have to as always ill do what i need to do, but one day this won't be my life. im not spending the rest of my life like this. if i can get my articles to make enough that i can get a cheap 350 dollar trailor and pay my 180 car payment then ill just do that, i dont need alot.
im to introverted to live this way forever doing an extroverted job :/ i would be better at construction or something or stocking i rather stock but i have a feeling i wont be the one doing that very often. i need to stay with the job atleast for 4 or 5 months tho cuz i told her i'd be there a while cuz she needed someone somewhat permanent. no way am i doing this as my final job, eventually i need a better one, but for now itll have to do. i wonder if rochelle and i will still be friends or if she's already completely forgotten about me. i kinda miss her cuz she helped me forget about things for the time when we'd talk. hope i didn't lose her friendship i already lost the hopes she would be the one. haven't talked to her in a week, though i ought not let it get to me. i understand that she wants to work it out with her bf so talking to me a lot wouldn't help and she's probably been doing better so not thinking to talk to me. i know im that way when things go right and when i was with ravyn i had what i needed so didnt really talk to ne one else.
